Alone

I don't typically write on Saturdays but I was thinking a lot this morning about how the disciples and Mary must have felt on Black Saturday so many years ago. Can you imagine watching Christ die? Watching Joseph put him in a tomb? Imagine the loneliness they must have felt. Then think about Christ's body alone in the tomb whilst his spirit went to conquer death and hell once and for all. (The Apostle's Creed "descended into hell" argument about his perhaps at a later date.) We truly do not know how to be that alone. So even in the midst of loneliness, heartache and grief there is One who has experienced it to a degree we cannot comprehend ready to walk with us through it.

Seven Last Words

Nearly 2000 years ago God as Man hung on a cross to save us all. Christ utter seven last phrases. These phrases have come to represent seven things: forgiveness, salvation, relationship, abandonment, distress, reunion and triumph.

1. Luke 23:34: Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do. Those crucifying Christ, obviously had no idea what they were doing or the impact that it would have on history forever. He is offering forgiveness to those responsible then and to all.
2. Luke 23:43: Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in paradise. The thief on the cross understood who Christ was and asked to be remembered and this was Jesus response-- to offer him salvation.
3. John 19:26-27: Woman, behold your son. Behold your mother. I assume that Jesus' relationship with his mother was one of the most important relationships he had on earth.
4. Matthew 27:46: My God, My God, why have you forsaken me? Even Jesus felt left in the middle of the worst experience of his life.
5. John 19:28: I am thirsty. The humanity of Christ comes bursting forth in this statement. He is hanging there struggling to breathe... working for each bit of air and he becomes thirsty.
6. John 19:30: It is... finished. Not only was his life (temporarily) over but the work of forgiveness was finished and his reunion with the Father was immanent. 
7. Luke 23:46: Father, into your hands I commit my spirit. Jesus gave himself over to death to triumph over death forever.

Have a good, Good Friday.

Maundy Thursday

Today is Maundy Thursday... nearly 2000 years ago Jesus took his disciples to the Upper Room, washed their feet, and instituted communion. I have been thinking about Jesus approach to Judas. I don't think I could have washed his feet, offered him the same bread as I was having... but then I think on the other hand-- I am Judas. I have betrayed Christ. It was my sin as much as anyone's that held him on the cross. Tough pill to swallow today.

Jesus, Savior Pilot Me Just as I Am

I have written about the song Jesus, Savior Pilot Me in the past...  today the third verse is roaming around my brain on the loose.

As a mother stills her child,
Thou canst hush the ocean wild;
Boisterous waves obey Thy will,
When Thou sayest to them, “Be still!”
Wondrous Sovereign of the sea,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

I hope that the Savior will pilot me. I am feeling without a guide right now... There is another chorus that is my brain on this early morning (not even six yet... couldn't sleep)

I come broken to be mended
I come wounded to be healed
I come desperate to be rescued
I come empty to be filled
I come guilty to be pardoned
By the blood of Christ the Lamb
And I'm welcomed with open arms
Praise God, just as I am

Feeling pretty tender today. 

What We Need to Hear

Yesterday I read an interesting article about what people need to be telling their daughters (click here to read the full article). While it raises some good points, I think that it has been made too narrow by assuming that this is something that only girls and youth need to hear.

These are the seven things that the author believes we must tell the girls in our lives... The words in italics are my comments.

Seven Things We Must Tell Our Daughters:

1. You are Valuable:: She needs to know she is important and so valued that you will protect her with rules and boundaries because you love her. There is safety and comfort within those restrictions, even when she pushes against them. The need to be validated or shown that we are important does not end when we go off to college. Women need to know that they are of value and are safe just because they are them... without reason.
2. Your Worth Isn’t Based on Your Appearance:: She needs to be told she is beautiful–not because she’s wearing a sassy outfit or new lipgloss–her worth is not found in her appearance, the opinions of others or herself. She is beautiful because she was created in the image of God. Her appearance has little to do with true beauty and her worth isn’t wrapped up in looking good or being perfect. In a world that is over sexualized worth is often associated with appearance. YUCK!
3. You Don’t Need a Guy:: She needs to hear starting at a young age (but it’s never too late to start telling her). She needs to be told a boy doesn’t complete her, God does. Chasing or enticing or wanting a guy doesn’t make her attractive and it doesn’t make her a woman. The only guy she needs in her life for a long time is her Dad or a father figure until God brings her a husband if that’s His plan. We need to know that we can be complete without someone else. We also need to know that we do not have to settle...
4. You Are Amazing:: Our daughters need to hear we are proud of them. She is enough. Tell her out of all the girls in the world, you’d always choose her. Sadly, she will be tempted to spend a lot of time in life trying to prove her value to others. Create an atmosphere where she is loved, just like she is. This is a tough one... I for one do not feel amazing, but it doesn't hurt to hear- I guess.
5. You Don’t Have to Believe What You Hear:: She needs to hear your affirming voice in her head. Because there will be mean girls in her life, peers with pressure and adults in her world who will let her down and have low expectations of her. She needs to hear the opposite at home, your voice will lead her to Him and she’ll know who to listen to. In a world that is constantly lying speaking truth to girls, young women, women, old women is essential. Lies are so much louder than the truth... don't hesitate to hold someone and whisper truth to them.
6. You Have Me:: No matter what happens in life, the ups and downs that will come her way, the losses and gains, our daughters must know we are there for them. She needs to know she can talk to you about anything. Anytime. More importantly, we can show her Jesus. We need to know that someone will be on our side to the end.
7. You Can Change the World:: She needs to know she can dream big and can accomplish whatever she wishes. She can do so with God by her side and she doesn’t need a boy or society to make it happen. She can be anything she want to be with your help. Stand by her, with her and watch her fly. 

The actual article is much longer... but it is thought provoking and worth the read. I, of course, have a list of things that I think are important to hear as well but I suppose that is best left for another day. 

Holy Week

Yesterday we usher in the beginning of Holy Week with Palm Sunday. This week is probably the most significant in the whole Christian calendar... yet, I am not feeling quite so holy.

Christ entered Jerusalem triumphantly only to be beat down and crucified less than a week later. He knew what was coming and went any way. He knew to the world he would look defeated for a little bit. He also knew he would be rise from the grave conquering all in the process.

Hopefully, at some point this week I will take the message of the cross and the triumph of Christ more to heart and I will feel less defeated.

Good Friends + Good Food = GREAT Fun

Last night a few of us went out for Sushi and Frozen Yogurt. It was just what the doctor ordered!

Frozen Yogurt at Yo-Yos is okay. Frozen Yogurt with toppings is good. Frozen Yogurt with lots of toppings is the best. This is a simple equation. I like my yogurt to toppings ratio to be about 1:3. This got me thinking about the company that I was with... Life is okay on my own. Life with acquaintances is good, but life with close friends that you can laugh, cry, be serious or goofy with is the best. YoYos does not make the yogurt to be a stand alone; they want it to go with the toppings. And God did not make us to do life on our own; He designed us to do life in community.

Dealing with Disappointment

I am guilty of many things. One of them is not handling disappointment well. I often come across is mad when really I am just sad. I do not know how to change this. I do not know how to traverse disappointment well. I have a hard time not internalizing disappointment or thinking that some how it was my fault. My default reaction at that point is to put up a wall. It is "easier" to be alone in my hurt than try to make things work. That is extremely selfish; I know that. I just am a broken person doing broken stuff.

Recognition

Everyone likes recognition. Everyone likes to be told that they are doing a good job. Well, working in public education moments of recognition are few and far between. Students aren't especially into saying thank you; however, at the National Honor Society Induction last night a student wanted to say thank you to me. Here is a copy of what she said, I have never been more proud to be a teacher or to have April Mullen as a student.

Whether I was working on one of my many APEX courses, playing a game of Bezzerwizzer, or discussing a deep, philosophical question about life, I have always enjoyed and looked forward to going to Ms. Manning’s class each day. Each moment in her class was a surprise and I had to expect the unexpected. Even though every student was enrolled in a different course, there was a sense of community in the room that broke the boundary of differences—it’s because of the teacher that this connection was formed. Classroom discussions ranged from international news to why Ms. Manning wore a pink shirt that day. Each morning, I was greeted with an uplifting quote accompanied by a colorful picture on the whiteboard. I spoke to people I had never met in her class; we were all like a big APEX family because Ms. Manning allowed us to create a perfect combination of education and socialization. I’m sure many of her students share my love of “Classic Rock Thursday.” And I’ll never forget the time when my second period class finally beat her in a game of Bezzerwizzer, marking us as one of the only teams or people to win against her. I felt like I could really talk to her and she became not only a motivational and inspirational teacher, but also a very dear friend. Ms. Manning was down-to-earth and energetic; no one ever knew what she would do next. She would tell it like it is and wasn’t afraid to show everyone who she really was. Failure was never an option in her eyes. She had high hopes for me and pushed me to succeed not only in APEX, but in all I did. Even after I graduate, Ms. Manning’s influence will remain with me for a lifetime. She helped me to discover who I want to be, who I can be, and who I am.

Hallelujah! What A Savior!

I love music. I especially love hymns. Traditional church music with four or 

five(sometimes more) verses that tell the story of our faith.

Hallelujah! What a Savior is on my mind today. As we are getting closer and

closer to holy week the magnitude of what Christ did seems more and more real.

I cannot really improve on the words of the song so I will just leave you with

the lyrics. 

1. Man of Sorrows!  what a name 
 for the Son of God, who came 
 ruined sinners to reclaim.  
 Hallelujah!  What a Savior!

2. Bearing shame and scoffing rude, 
 in my place condemned he stood; 
 sealed my pardon with his blood.
 Hallelujah!  What a Savior!

3. Guilty, vile, and helpless we; 
 spotless Lamb of God was he; 
 full atonement can it be?  
 Hallelujah!  What a Savior!

4. Lifted up was he to die; 
 "It is finished!" was his cry; 
 now in heaven exalted high.  
 Hallelujah!  What a Savior!

5. When he comes, our glorious King, 
 all his ransomed home to bring, 
 then anew this song we'll sing:
 Hallelujah!  What a Savior!

O to Grace...

Sunday we sang Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing. The first and second verses are good, but it is the third and final (well in our hymnal) verse that gets me. "O to grace how great a debtor, daily I'm constrained to be! Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it; prone to leave the God I love. Here's my hear, O take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above." Oh how I feel my own proneness to wander. How I feel the need to walk away. How I need God to bind my heart to Him.

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;


O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Friday

There are some days (like yesterday) that blogging comes very easily and takes almost no time at all to get done. Then there are days (like today) where I stare at a blank page waiting to be filled with something (hopefully of significance).

Today all I can think about is "beware of the Ides of March." Julius Caesar was murdered on this day in 44 BC by his best friend, Brutus, and other conspirators. For more than 2000 years people have said on this day, "beware of the Ides of March." I don't know why I find this fascinating and I surely hope that nothing horrific happens today, but it is always something I think about on March 15.

Moving on... While I was walking to work this morning the thought crossed my mind about Christians and the meanings of dreams. I wonder what we are to think of dreams. Should we be attaching spiritual importance to our dreams? Should we just let them go as our subconscious trying to reset itself during rest? Does God communicate to us through dreams today? We know as early as Joseph (Genesis 40) believers were interpreting their own dreams and the dreams of others. He is not the only one though... Jeremiah and Isaiah both speak of dreaming and there are passages in Psalms and Ecclesiastes about the nature of dreams. Dreams are an outgrowth of the day's activities at some points... and other times the seem to come out of nowhere. Philippians 4 encourages us to keep are mind on good things. What are we to do with negative dreams and nightmares then? Psalms 127:2 says, "He gives his beloved sleep." So what about those of us who don't sleep well or have terrible dreams? Are we not loved then?

Reflections on a Great Wednesday

Wednesdays can be a bit long. It is the middle of the week, we have staff meeting at 7:30, school is delayed by 30 minutes, Cat's Pride further interrupts an already screwy schedule, students are restless, I often go straight from work to church and end up at home around nine...

However, yesterday was not a typical Wednesday though. Yes, we had our staff meeting. Yes, we had Cat's Pride. Yes, the kids were restless. BUT I got to watch history with my seventh period. We watched the new pope announcement. And celebrated first new world Pope and the first Franciscan pope! I love history. I especially love watching history unfold before my hands. This alone would have made for a pretty good day.

Yet, that barely scratches the surface of things to be thankful and excited about. I went to Praise Band practice, which is always kind of fun. Then it was time for Bible Study (and to be honest the actual study hurt me deeply but that is for another day). At then end though, Amy put all the attention on me and my new house and to my UTTER surprise they were throwing me a house warming shower. I have never felt so loved and supported. I am more than overwhelmed by the people God brought together to bless me in so many ways. Their generosity is FAR beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I can't believe so many people (some of whom barely know me) would go to such great links to ensure I have the things I need to make my apartment into my home.

I think Amy put it best, "Being witness to God's people coming together in support of the good/bad of a persons life, being HIS hands & feet, showing unconditional love and support....life-changing!" 

Thank you, Jen, Aimee, Marsha, Karen, Leona, Linda, Teri, Amy, Cindi, Jaimie, Alyssa, Jenny, Katie, and Lori. (Sorry if I left anyone out!!) What a great Wednesday! 

Pressure

We are all under a considerable amount of pressure. Pressure to be good at our jobs, good at relationships, good at church... good good good... This pressure (at least for me) can lead to unnecessary stress. Jesus reminds me in Matthew that his yoke is easy and his burden in light. But how often do I do I take the yoke of perfection upon myself without asking for Christ's help?

Emotions

I have been quite emotional lately. I hate being emotional. I think they are gross and untidy. I am trying to figure out what God thinks about emotions...

Emotions are closer to us than our own breath at some points. We can feel them to a depth and level that can't even always be put into words. Life, it seems, demands and understanding or acceptance of emotions. They are as constant and present as the air around us and they must be managed.

I think a part of what makes me extremely uncomfortable with emotions is that they often come with great intensity. A thought may be put out of my mind, but the emotions or aftermath of the emotion lingers. When I am filled with dread, the source may be a fearful thought or situation, yet it is the intensity of the emotion that preoccupies me not necessarily the emotion itself. I cannot flee from my feelings; therefore, I must deal with them. 

How to deal with them, I guess, is the current questions.  I can know intellectually that emotions are not always based in truth. However, there is something about an emotion that is rooted in the truth of an experience. I can know that I am created in God's image and therefore some of the emotion is a reflection of his image. I cannot figure out how to deal with the depth and type of emotions I have been having over the past few days. I am going to start reading Breaking Bondage and I may reread Healing for Damaged Emotions. Perhaps I will find answers...

Moved In

I moved in to my first apartment this weekend. God has truly blessed me with great friends who helped me get everything done. I am extremely appreciative to Amy, Jaimie, Jen, Drake and Emily for helping me basically all day Saturday.

Moving

I have nothing profound to say... my brain is full with the details of moving. Have a great weekend everyone!

Ezekiel 36:26

I wrote about this verse maybe six weeks ago; however, Ezekiel 36:26 is still really bothering me. It shouldn't because it is fairly straight forward, "I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." This sentence has led to more questions than answers in the past few weeks.

How will I be given a new heart?
When?
What will it look like?
What will it feel like?
Is it a process?
What if I like have a stoney heart?
Why does everything have to change?

Guess I have some more thinking to do...

One More Post Wednesday

It is unusual (not unheard of) for me to post more than once a day. However, today warrants a second post.

I went and looked at an apartment today... not an apartment I am going to live in. I was more than a little disappointed. I feel like I am working really hard to improve my life and be a better person and like all of it is for not. Then in the midst of my frustration, anger, disappointment and other negative feelings I read Amy's status,

"I have faith that God works ALL things together for the good of those that love and serve Him...just wish He could give a 'billboard' sign or detailed map on how it's going to work out?!?! I'm cursed to be a 'fixer' and sometimes (ok, most times)...it's way beyond me. Praying for God's wisdom and discernment in several situations and for several people!!"

Yes, I agree life would be easier with a billboard or a map. I enjoy that Amy is a 'fixer.' There should be more people who try to fix things... I could take a lesson myself on trying to fix stuff.  More than that I should take a lesson on her faith. She really believes and lives out all the things that she says... she believes the Bible even when life may bring in a wave of doubt. 

How often do my feelings outweigh the truth of the Bible? How often does my frustration, anger, and other crap cloud the truth that God does indeed have a plan? How often to I act like a whiny turd when things aren't going my way instead of trusting that God will work all things together for good? I need more faith and less feeling.

Routine

I love a good routine. Today that has been grossly disrupted... no school, no church and looking at a house. Well, then... better pray for a better attitude.

Insignificant

In life it is easy to feel insignificant, unimportant and even unwanted. I had one of the those days yesterday. And if the complete truth were to be told, I have those days a lot. I repeat the same instructions to the same students day in and day out. I stare at my ceiling and wonder if I am making a difference. I don't get nearly as much done as I plan and I don't always get As on my assignments... I don't feel good after that.

Yesterday, however, I told Amy that I was struggling. We text a few times and then she sent me a Facebook message that included a blog that she had read. The article she passed on to me was about Wounded Warriors... I have been working on getting the beginning parts of a book together about fighting for freedom. I do not think it is coincidence that Amy's article was about a Wounded Warrior... lots to contemplate.

Reading

I love to read. I am a reader at heart. I love when people ask me what I have been reading lately. It really opens up a great conversation, because I want to know what others have been reading as well. I always have a list of books I want/need to read. Well, on Friday I downloaded a book to my tablet The Ways of God: Finding Purpose Through Your Pain. It was a freebie that was recommended by Amazon. It has been challenging to say the least...

This morning I read these words about 30 seconds after arriving (later than usual) to school, "Trusting God is not a decision you make once. It's a choice that must be made hundreds upon hundreds of times a day." Deuteronomy 30 reminded me that God has set before me life and death, blessings and curses and now it is up to me to choose life. Well, I needed to hear those words today. I am making MANY life altering decisions and trying to move forward to greater things. Things of God, wholeness, and a future... however, I cannot do those things in my own ability and to trust my ability would be foolish. I must trust God in all things especially these big things that will change the course of my life. 

Random Friday Thoughts

I did not sleep well, which often leads to many random thoughts... So here's what is on my mind this morning. It is disjointed at best, so I am sorry.

What is it about preaching that makes a person want to do it over and over? I have been out of ministry for nearly 2 years and out of weekly preaching for 3.5 years and yet I want to preach so bad! What is the draw of a pulpit? What makes me want to return to it so badly?

Five years ago Stacey, Jessi and Mom went to New York City for Spring Break and I elected to stay in Marion and work. I also went to see grandpa every day while mom was gone. He was already at Miller's and we already knew it was the end... It was my last year of college, my last Spring Break (or so I thought), and yet all I wanted to was work and see grandpa. What a weird week of my life! I learned a lot about who I was during that week. Those moments impacted my ministry heavily as well. You learn a lot about God watching someone die. I can't believe that was five years ago! March 2008 is really a blur for the most part... School full-time, work 30-35 hours a week and 3-7 trips to Peru per week until March 29, but I remember moments of that week like they happened today. Grandpa accusing the physical therapist of lying and cheating him. Grandpa repeatedly saying "I'm not eating that!"

I love Harry Potter and for my 30th birthday I am taking myself to Universal Studios in Florida to go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter!