September 15, 2002 I felt my first call to ministry. I was 18. I was at Epworth Forest in North Webster Indiana. I began preaching within six weeks and am now at the first time I have ever gone a year without giving a homily. It is an odd feeling.
I have been thinking a lot about that day at Epworth Forest over the past four or five days. I was so sure that I had figured things out. Then this past Saturday a friend of mine introduced me by saying, "This is my best, good friend Meg. She is one of the best preachers I have ever heard and the most gifted writer I have ever known aside from my father. She doesn't know it now but she will be back in vocational ministry at some point." I bulked at the idea. Here I had been thinking about the calling I thought I had for several days and then to hear that, just about sent me over the edge.
To be honest in the past year since not occupying a pulpit, I have missed preaching. But to be honest again, I have not missed vocational ministry. I have not missed the long hours and heartbreak. I have missed the excitement and thrill. But as my friend said those words about me I felt a familiar tug. It was the call of Christ to come up higher and leave some of the stuff of life behind. It was God nudging my heart towards His. No, I do not want to return to vocational ministry now (or maybe ever). However, I have a huge ministry every day that I have been failing to live up to. I have a place and a job to do.
I have come to see today (after reflecting on the sermon I heard last night and the one I heard this morning... sorry I am writing this on Sunday not Monday) that I am fed up with my own apathy. I am sick of my own indifference. I am disappointed by my inaction. My call has not changed, I am called to be an instrument of God no matter where I am at, whether it is a classroom or a pulpit, a hospital bed or sitting outside having a chat with a friend. It is time to step it up. I have been wishy-washy, and lukewarm for far too long. It is time to get serious about changing my life where I am. And it is time to really take seriously that I am called to be a light in a dark world. Basically it is time to line my actions up with my theology. I may never occupy a pulpit ever again, but I have a platform every day to live a life worthy of the call of Christ. I feel like this is where the rubber will meet the road. I will be kinder to my students and colleagues. I will try to have more patience. I will have to lose some of the rough exterior. My face has been pretty leaky the past few days, and I need to accept that is part of the new reality. I need to exhibit the fruits of the spirit: peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, joy, love, self-control, humility and FAITHFULNESS. It is my lack of faith that has led me down this dark path of apathy and indifference.
Today's sermon was about Joseph and the lessons you can learn in the darkness. It was in those moments that I realized that I had truly lost myself in despair and only the hope of Christ can combat that. It was then I knew that all my thoughts, reflections and struggles with the ten year anniversary of my initial calling hurt so bad because I had given up on it. I had given up on Christ. Luckily for me, God never gave up on me. His timing is always perfect. Through Him it is now time for me to find strength and contentment in the hard places. We closed today's service with the song "It is Well" but I couldn't sing. I wept. This familiar tug leads me to think of times that ministry has not been well... things in my life do not feel well... however "though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blessed assurance control: that Christ has regarded my helpless estate and has shed his own blood for my soul. It is WELL."
No comments:
Post a Comment