Wow... it has been longer since I have written on here than ever before. To my faithful readers, I am sorry. I was on a retreat Friday, Saturday and Sunday and just didn't want to fuss with this.
I am broken. My brokenness is profound and it is ugly. Saturday night Kathryn Parker, our speaker for the weekend, challenged me (and all of us) to start letting go of the hurts of our past by forgiving those who have hurt us. This message has been coming to me from many angles for about five weeks or so. It was extremely difficult to listen to her talk about forgiveness and feel like she was talking directly to me. Amy was sitting next to me and was very aware of my inner struggle; she kept reassuring me that it would be okay. I did not think Amy or Kathryn was really right. Okay, I knew intellectually that they were both correct; however, my heart was ripping apart. As Kathryn listed things that need to be forgiven, my inner pain was so palpable it was hard to breathe.
Time seemed to stand still as Kathryn kept talking about this word that is so hard. Then for a brief second it was just her and I in the room as she stated assuredly, "You don't have to know how to forgive-- you just have to be willing." I honestly don't know how to forgive and it has been one of the major barriers to true forgiveness. She then followed those words with, "When we don't forgive we are imprisoned in our own pain." I do not like who I am with unforgiveness in me. I do not like my pain or my brokenness.
Time slowly crept on and it was time to sing and respond. I did NOT want to respond to this particular message. Nonetheless, I found myself standing in front of Kathryn to be anointed that the healing work of forgiveness would begin in my own life. At this point, my brokenness was extremely evident as I wept. My brokenness was ugly in sobs of years of bottled up pain and I fell to my knees at the altar and cried bitter tears. But here is the beauty of that horrifically broken moment... soon I felt Amy on my left and could hear her praying, Katie on my right holding on and reassuring, Lori behind me praying and Michelle behind me praising God for a breakthrough. There may have been others, and I am sorry if I am missing someone, but in that moment my shear, utter brokenness brought the five of us (that I know of) to the foot of the cross together. In that moment, I did not have to bear my brokenness, my hurt, my grief, my sorrow alone... we were sharing it and something broke loose. I will not be the same. Do I have forgiveness figured out? Absolutely not!!! But I am one step closer to freedom.
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