I Don't Always Want To

I don't always want to do the right thing and sometimes I don't follow through with doing the right thing. Sometimes I am lazy, sometimes I am selfish. Sometimes I just plain and simple don't feel like doing it.

Following Christ is sometimes in the category of stuff I don't feel like doing. It is hard to be the bigger person. It isn't fun to pray for your enemies. It takes time to worship. It takes effort and energy to love others as you love yourself.

Although, it isn't always something I want to do, it is always worth doing.

Can I Share Your Pew?

Growing up we went to the same church from the time I could remember clear through when I left for college. My dad grew up going there; my grandmother's grandmother gave the land for the church to be built on. You could say we were rooted there. As a kid you sat with your parent or grandparent (always in the same place), in Junior High you got to move to the front right pew and High School students got the front two pews on the left side.

PSA: Church does not have assigned seats.

Now when I walk into a church to visit, I feel very hesitant to sit down until its time for service to start. I don't want to take someone's pew. Isn't that such a weird thing to worry about? However, I have pastored churches that people have gotten upset about a visitor sitting in "their" spot.

As a gay Christian, coming into church with my wife and sometimes our brood of scruffy young men, knowing where to sit is even harder. I don't know if I am even welcome as a gay person let alone a gay person with a family. I often find myself asking "Can I share this pew?" or "Does someone usually sit here?"

I don't want to take your seat. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I don't want to take away the place you volunteer. I just want to sit down and worship God without the fear of rejection.

So, can I share your pew?

A Letter from a Gay Christian

This post was supposed to happen yesterday; sorry, I got a day off right out of the gate. But upon a more comprehensive look at my schedule, my weekly posts will be on Wednesdays.

An Open Letter from a Gay Christian:

I know Gay and Christian aren’t two monikers that usually go together. However, I assure you there are many of us that profess Christ as Savior and would still identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual, pansexual or queer. There are many people of all denominations who strongly believe that people like me are bound for eternal damnation. I hope to convince them otherwise or at least put a shadow of doubt in their mind. Nonetheless, it is God alone who gets to decide about anyone in the end.

I live in a conservative Midwestern state. Being seminary educated, I believe that my theology is on solid rock. The treatment of non-heterosexual people in our country is an embarrassment. They are often treated like second class citizens being denied rights: marriage, jobs, and housing to name a few. People from the extremely conservative right have even made non-heterosexuals into deviant predators or perverts. Although, statistically most sexual predators are Caucasian, heterosexual, mid-thirties and male.

Many people who are against marriage equality quote Leviticus 20:13, “if a man lies with a man the way he lies with a woman, the punishment is to stone him.” I often wonder if people truly have read Leviticus because it has a lot more to say. We are not to eat pork (Lev. 11:7), no more bacon and eggs for everyone. Unfortunately, crab, shrimp, clams and oysters are out too (Lev. 11:12). Women who have just had a baby are not to be touched for sixty-six days (Lev. 12:1-5). If the same illness strikes your house twice, it shall be permanently unclean (Lev. 14:41-47); boy I hope my family doesn’t get the flu again! You can’t cut the hair on your temples (Lev. 19:27) and men are supposed to have beards. I hope you don’t have any tattoos because they are taboo, too (Lev. 19:28). The list could go on and on. It seems like we are picking and choosing which parts of scripture to follow.

There are of course New Testament arguments as well, so let’s look at them. First I would like to say that the word homosexual is not even found in scripture until the year 1946. Homosexual does not have a translation into Greek or Aramaic (the languages of the New Testament). The word that Paul uses in 1 Corinthians translates better as “those who abuse themselves.” In Romans 1 most people find their golden quiver against non-heterosexual lives. Paul was writing to the Romans and homosexual sex was a part of Pagan temple worship. It would seem unnatural for a Christian to worship in a Mosque or a Jewish person to pray in a cathedral. Paul would have thought any Pagan worship was unnatural for a people that had been converted to Christianity. There are less than ten verses that people can even use against homosexuality and nearly 600 uses of the word “love” in the Bible; perhaps Christians have lost the focus on what is actually important.

People who claim that homosexuality is unnatural have not seen the biological evidence that proves the contrary. Homosexuality can be found throughout the animal kingdom. How much more natural do you want. Anti-homosexual people have also claimed that we are not born this way. Well, I was indeed born this way. When someone asks me when I decided to be gay, I always ask, “When did you decide to be straight?” I tried for most of my life to be straight. I have dated the opposite sex, even had sex with the opposite sex. I have held to the cultural presupposition that gender is binary. Why would I intentionally choose a life that would make me a second class citizen? Why would give up the privileges I had as a “straight” person to live a harder life?

I hope this was thought provoking,
In the pew next to you 

A Return of Sorts

After nearly two and a half years of blogger silence, I am returning. I am returning for weekly posts. I am returning to interact with my faith in a way that I did not anticipate I ever would come back to. I am returning to be vulnerable about where I am at and who God is to me in the midst of everything. My opinions are just that, opinions. You may not agree with me and that is okay. I will not attack your character for having a differing opinion that I do and I would ask the same from you. 

What can you expect in the future from this blog? The simple answer is a woman's honest opinion of being a gay Christian in a world where those two words don't go together who still wants to love God and love others well. You will also get my feelings on the collapse of the United Methodist Church, my call to ministry, the love of my wife, my life as a social worker, and basically just my life as someone who wants desperately to follow the call of Christ and is trying to figure out what that means. 

Some upcoming post titles include: 

-An Open Letter from a Gay Christian 

-Can I Share Your Pew?

-Is It Time? 

-I Love My Life, But... 

I am aiming for weekly posts to begin on January 8, 2019 and will continue on Tuesdays for the foreseeable future. Thank you to those who followed me in the past and are coming back and thank you to new followers that want to see what this is all about. 

Grace is Amazing

I am sitting here applying for jobs and listening to Pandora (I'm living the high life... I know). An old Phillips, Craig and Dean song just made me stop in my tracks. And to be perfectly honest it made me more than tear up a little. "Your Grace Still Amazes Me" is fairly simple and I have heard it thousands of times, but today seemed different. 

My faithful Father, enduring Friend Your tender mercy's like a river with no end It overwhelms me, covers my sin Each time I come into Your presence I stand in wonder once again

Your grace still amazes me Your love is still a mystery Each day I fall on my knees Your grace still amazes me'Cause Your grace still amazes me

Oh, patient Savior, You make me whole You are the Author and the Healer of my soul What can I give You, Lord, what can I say I know there's no way to repay You Only to offer You my praise

It's deeper, it's wider It's stronger, it's higher It's deeper it's wider It's stronger, it's higher than anything my eyes can see

 Do I truly take time to think about how amazing grace is? Not frequently enough! How patient our Savior is with each of us. How many times have I not trusted His grace? How many times have I relied wholly on myself with no dependency on the grace that sees me through each day? I guess all of this rambling is to say that I need to breathe in His grace more deeply and breathe out His love more graciously because His grace truly is amazing.

I'm Fine

Two separate people asked me today how I was doing; to both of them I responded, "I'm fine." Both of them basically were like "yeah, right... not believable." Well, I don't have much of a response to that.

Why do we (me, you, EVERYONE) say that we are fine when we really aren't? I think there are a lot of potential reasons for why we respond to the question: How are you? with a flat, "I'm fine." One, it is easier than admitting that you aren't okay. Two, we doubt the person actually wants to know how we are. Three, it saves a ton of time to just say that we are fine. Four, we don't have to deal with whatever is bothering us if we answer that we are fine. Five, we may not even know how to describe what all is going on in our minds; therefore, the answer "fine" is easier than trying to figure out how we really feel. Six, we may not even want to admit to ourselves that we are not fine. And I am sure there are other reasons that I haven't listed, but those are just a few that have popped into my brain today.

We all have crap and stuff that we don't want to talk about, deal with, whatever. But, I'm fine.

Sleeplessness and The UMC

I haven't had a good night's rest in months. At first, I believed it was due to my illness, being uncomfortable and anxiety over KGB and the surgery. But now that I am feeling betting, my surgery is over and so is the KGB #111... so what is the deal with my sleep?! My brain is too busy and my back hurts. And maybe (just maybe) God is trying to do something. I hate not sleeping; it makes me cranky, irritable, and a little slow about some things. It makes me not want to do anything. For real! Now I have been forcing myself to still do things like work, social outings, softball and what not; however, the desire for this is low. But I digress...

In my sleeplessness last night, I was reflecting about the United Methodist Church General Conference. I can say that I am honestly quite disappointed that our delegates discussed Rule 44 for three days and still did not get it passed. I'm embarrassed that we have chosen to not to hear each others stories, hearts, and experiences. I am concerned about the message it sends to outsiders watching what we are doing. I worry that we have chosen not to show love or interest to each other inside of the denomination and that will have an effect on how we are perceived to to love or care about our communities. I have a sinking feeling that their response to Rule 44 is the hand writing on the wall for how the rest of General Conference will go.

I followed the twitter feed fairly closely yesterday and watched a few hours of the live feed as I could. It was difficult to watch at points. We had delegates who were acknowledged by the Bishop to have the floor who flat out admitted they were utterly confused. We watched a delegate misgender the presiding Bishop and then argue with her. People were passionate, and not always in a positive way. However, it was also positive to watch in some ways. I loved the installation of Bishop Ough as the president of the Council of Bishops. I even loved watching the nominations (although it was rough to watch only one nomination from the North Central Jurisdiction and to have only one Youth Delegate at GC).

I feel weighed down this morning with the seriousness of what will be happening at General Conference. They begin session in 20ish minutes from when I am typing this. I have deep worry and concern that we will miss the boat on this conference in ways that are irreversible. The United Methodist church in the United States has been in decline for many years and I fear this could spiral us out of control. I know living in Indiana my opinion about our most divisive issues, I do not have the popular opinion. I am for full inclusion. I am for love. I am for living out our motto: Open Hearts, Open Doors, Open Minds. If we do not vote for full inclusion that motto means nothing. Actually, it means that we are liars and don't even believe what we say about ourselves. I digress again. My apologies...

165 years ago popular opinion was to leave slavery the way it was
150 years ago was the official outlaw of slavery
100 years ago women weren't supposed to be in the pulpit
75 years ago interracial marriages were still illegal in many states
55 years ago Protestants were still considered heretics by the Catholic Church
50 years ago if you got divorced you were no longer allowed to serve your church
40 years ago civil rights pushed us into new places as a church

My point is we as a church change with time as the culture changes. There is more biblical proof to keep women out of the pulpit than there is to keep people who were not born heterosexual out of the pulpit; especially when you read and interpret it in first century language and experience. It is time to keep our called individuals who are doing effective ministry in their positions with the ability to come out of the closet without fear of punishment or retaliation. It is time to let our LGBTIQ brothers and sisters enter the arduous process of ordination. It is time to accept the fact that people of all backgrounds are called by a loving God to be in the ministry of loving the world and making disciples for Christ.

I'm Back

Ok, I have NOT fallen off the face of the planet... I know it has been a long while since I had a post. Quite honestly, I have have been avoiding it. I have not wanted to be obedient to what God is calling me to do or to share. However, yesterday we had an exercise in training that has pushed me to at least post something today...

The question was raised as we discussed life stresses and what cause us to be able to not be able to deal with things that we normally would be able handle with no real problems. But if we have external stresses that are abnormal, don't feel well or have other things going on, typical stresses become overwhelming. We then did an exercise about what our lives looked like two months ago, six months ago, one year ago and then compared to right then.

Where was I two months ago? The date would have been 3/11/16. I was at Kokomo Great Banquet #111. It was our first full day; we heard five talks; I heard things from God that were new to me; I was preparing to give my talk the next morning. I was working for Forte and living in Kosciusko county. I was going to Celebration every Sunday and Wednesday. I was still waiting on surgery and felt pretty crappy all the time.

Where was six months ago? 11/11/15, I was still pretty new at Forte. I was in a socially difficult place. I was starting to have anxiety about the holidays. I was living in Kosciusko County. And I just don't have much to say about that time... oh well, moving on.

Where was I one year ago? 5/11/15, I was working at Kingsfield. I had received notice already that we were closing our doors on 5/30/15. I was living in Clark County. Elliot was brand new... like 12 days old. Bennett was almost 3. I hated living away from them. I had no idea what I would be doing for work after Kingsfield closed. I didn't know where I would be living but knew I had my lease until August 11. I was living some place with no friends and not involved in a church. I was driving to northern Indiana every other weekend to have some social connection with my people. I kind of hated my life, my job, my location, It was rough and ugly.

Where am I now? 5/11/16... I am still recuperating from Kokomo Great Banquet #111... I learned a ton and am still in the process of implementation. I have made many acquaintances and several friends from being on team for #111. I have given my talk several more times and will probably continue to do so. My calling has become slightly clear (even if I am not really ready to accept or talk about what that may look like). I am working for Four County Counseling Center as a Home Based Case Manager (and LOVE it). I am living in Howard County. I am trying to find a new church while still having a foot at Celebration (and I took a couple Sundays off from church). My surgery was very successful and I feel pretty good. Even if I still have to see doctors more regularly than I'd like to. I am looking into graduate school again, but not for religion/philosophy/divinity, which is kind of scary since that is where my education has always been in that realm. Elliott is one! Bennett is almost 4!! They are both amazing and I love being closer to them. General Conference has a ton of my attention. God is calling me deeper and pushing me harder than ever before.

So then we scored our life changes on a Life Stress Test according to the changes in our life over the past 12 months. I, understandably, scored VERY high. Scoring high, is an indication of the likelihood to have a stress related illness, or a mental health illness related to stress (anxiety, depression nos). For a minute, that number really bothered me. But when I really look at the past year, I see very clearly God's hand. I see providence. I see prevenient and sanctifying grace. I see a glimmer of hope for the future. Has there been stress? ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!! Is there still a lot of stress? RESOUNDING, YES!!! Am I more emotional that I would like to be? CATEGORICALLY, YES!!!
Are we heading someplace better, moving on and up? DEFINITELY!!!!!

How have I seen God in all of this? Well, that is a long answer, but I will Reader's Digest it up since I have already written a small novel. A year ago, I was living someplace I hated, but doing a job I that was okay. And even though I spent a long time (4 full months) unemployed, I got to move back to where my babies and my people are. The Great Banquet training + the actual weekend was one of the hardest, most emotionally draining things I have ever done; however, through the process and actual weekend I got to hear truth, met the people I am now living with, got connect with the person that got me my new job, had people affirm a calling on my life, and that list could go on. Being sick is never easy, but it makes me rely on God more. Having to deal with things in me, my own sin, healing from hurts and disappointments is, quite frankly, a pain in my butt. Nonetheless, in the process of being set free from my stuff, I get to become the person God ultimately created me to be. Am I there? NOT AT ALL! (lol). But I can see that God is working and moving. Now it is time for me to trust His plan and figure out a way to feel brave enough to dive all in.

When Healing Hurts

I had surgery eleven days ago... so we are in the weird stage of healing that includes strange twinges of pain, itching and overall not exactly comfortable.

I am also in a season of emotional healing and changes, which also hurts. Since KGB #111, I have experienced a lot of new social interactions, feelings and stuff. (I hate that word 'stuff' it is so vague and pointless but I don't have a better word.) Growing pains, just like in childhood, are uncomfortable but necessary to get to where we need to be. My growing pains have been startling, uncomfortable and somehow reassuring that God is in this process. People have had to use stern voices (aka yell at me) to get me to hear and see the Truth. I have had to cry. I have needed to be held and reassured. It has been weird and hard and it HURTS.

This hurt though has the promise of freedom on the other side...

My urge to runaway is high. I want to stay in what I know, it is comfortable even if it is not what is best for me. I do not want to live in who God has created me to be, because it is scary and unknown. I want to live in a tent in the woods avoiding human interaction and the changes that come along with these growing pains.

When healing hurts, it is confusing... We spend so much time avoiding pain, but the pain that comes with healing and change is necessary and shouldn't be avoided. I guess all of this proves that with my physical healing from surgery that I cannot avoid should be the same approach that I should take with my emotional healing. I cannot make my physical healing stop. It is doing what my body was made to do. Cells are regenerating, incisions are closing, pain is receding. I suppose I should apply the same to my heart... Let healing take place on the plan God has clearly set before me.

When Pain Changes

So my last post was about being in pain both physical and emotional. I was a few days away from surgery at that point.

Well, my surgery took place four days ago and was a huge success on many levels. The constant pain I had in my left side was gone before I even woke up in recovery! My pain had already changed from constant and chronic pain to surgery and recovery pain. And the recovery pain is way easier to deal with and it gets better every day.

I would like to apply this same principle to emotional pain. I would like to have it removed from my heart and wake up and feel different. Unfortunately for me, and everyone else, that is not how wounds of the heart are healed. Wounds of the heart are healed over time and Truth being applied. This is a process that often takes a lot of time, tears, blood, sweat, running and returning. During my physical recovery my heart has had its own moments of being touched and growing. I chalk it up to being tender from the actual surgery and the drugs that I got sent home with. Whatever it is, the past four days have been full of moments that I needed. Moments of clarity about who I am, what I am called to and the community where my heart already is have filled the last 100 hours or so.

I have wanted to live in Kokomo since leaving Logansport in August of 2009. These four days here have been kind of amazing. I have never been more sure of wanting to live here and be here than I am right now. Being here changes some of the hurt and baggage of my past. This is a place of community, true community, of love, grace, growth, freedom and becoming who each of us were made to be through Christ. This is where I belong. Maybe this move is the surgery I have longed for to remove my emotional wounds, depression, anxiety, and junk. The pain is changing, which inevitably means that it is leaving me a new person.

Hurting is Dumb

Yesterday I made a Facebook post that said: hurting is dumb. I stand behind that statement. Then this was posted today by a dear friend: "Good morning! I saw Meg Manning's post - "Hurting is dumb". I was wondering if anyone else is hurting? I am guessing Meg's post is physical - but is anyone hurting emotionally? My heart is aching, tears are falling and it has been that way off and on for 4 days..."

My post was generally about being in physical pain, which is currently constant and severe. But I have other pain as well. The pain that comes with redefining the words in my dictionary that I let define me. The pain that comes with unconditional acceptance, love, and new friendship. The pain that comes from hard comes from hard conversations that push you to grow and trust Jesus more. The pain of being reliant on medication to get through the day. The pain of the enemy working against you at every step. The pain of losing consumers that I love and watching their families hurt. And the list could go on.

We all face pain daily. And that is DUMB! Jesus told us in John that we would have trouble in this world but he has overcome the world! He also said that the devil is only here to steal, kill, and destroy. Unfortunately for us, he has had thousands of years of practice and is really good at it. But Jesus promised to give us life abundantly. That looks different for each one of us. But abundant life for me today is just making it to the end day in one piece. 

Ugly

The past twenty-four hours of my life have been ugly. I have been emotional, angry, anxious, frustrated, stressed, and about 1000 other things.

This partly due to not feeling well, but mostly to due to speaking this coming weekend, the retreat and not feeling adequate.

Please pray for all of us involved in this weekend's retreat... I am know that I am not the only one that the devil is fighting on this. He will continue to do whatever it takes to kill, steal, destroy, distract, frustrate or provoke... We need your prayers.

Cup of Deliverance

These are some rough notes that I preached from on Sunday evening... take what you will from them.

Deliverance

Exodus 6:6-7 “Therefore I say to the people of Israel: “I am the Lord. I will free you from your oppression and I will reduce from your slavery in Egypt. I will redeem you with a powerful arm and great acts of judgement. I will claim you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God who has freed you from your oppression.” 

Luke 4 when Jesus was quoting Isaiah and said “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, and to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.

We are in the season of Lent and Lent coincides with Passover. During the Seder meal at Passover there are four cups… Today I want to talk about the second cup: The Cup of Deliverance 

Deliverance is not the same as Salvation… Salvation saved us from eternity separated from God in the same way God saved the Israelites from the land and rule of Egypt. The problem was for the Israelites that Egypt was still in their heart… they still thought, behaved and acted like slaves. We do the same thing after we drink from the cup of salvation. We are saved, loving Jesus and on our way to heaven but our life here on earth isn’t that great. We need to drink from the cup of deliverance for 3 reasons

1. Victory over sin

1. God never intended us to live defeated, frustrated lives of barely surviving.
2. Paul understood the struggle against flesh and spirit very well Romans 7:21-24 says “So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war agains the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man that I am! Who will resume me form this body that is subject to death. 
3. We can be free spiritually, committed to following Jesus and yet still act like slaves to old habits and sinful behaviors. 
4. Can you go to heaven without ever gaining control over your sinful habits? Yes! Emphatically, YES! but scripture is clear that if we really love God we will not continue to keep sinning. 
5. Philippians 2:12-13 says Dear friends, you always followed my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away, it is even more important. Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” We cannot work to earn salvation, it is the free gift of grace offered to us through Christ Jesus. But we can and should be working to show the results of our salvation by living a life that is pleasing to God.
6. We must put our sinful natures aside and have victory in Christ. God didn’t save us only to have us settle for less than His best. 

2. Healed from past wounds

1. Let me be perfectly honest with you, this point has been very difficult to wrestle with over the past week our 10 days. My wounds are still apparent and to be real… they still hurt deeply. 
2. My biggest wound is my physical health. I have struggled for the past six years with illness and surgeries and hospital stays and trial drugs… and the list could go on. My illness has rendered me incapable of having a child, affected my relationships with friends, and with God, it has hurt me financially and it isn’t over yet. This wound is ever present and therefore hard to know how to heal because it is truly not in the past… for me I have to trust that the words Paul wrote in Corinthians are true for me too… “I was given this thorn in the flesh, a messenger of satan to torment me… I pleaded with the Lord three times to take it from me and he spoke to me “My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in your weakness.” I have pleaded with the Lord to take this from me but in His no and not now answers His grace is still sufficient for me and I can trust that ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purposes. 
3. Sometimes our past and our present has left some wounds deep in our heart and soul. A divorce, abuse, disappointment, illness all take serious toll on our heart but God through drinking of the cup of deliverance will heal every wound. 

3. Authority over the enemy

1. The devil is real. Let me say it again… the DEVIL OUR ENEMY is REAL. 
2. But rest assured he is already defeated. Because Jesus conquered him on the cross. Unfortunately, that has not stopped his scheming and deceiving. 
3. John 10:10 says “The thief comes only to steal kill and destroy. But I came that you may have life and have it abundantly!” 1 Peter 5:8 puts it another way, “Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.”
4. Sometimes there is no sin and there is no wound just a plan from the devil to defeat you and ruin your life. 
5. But you have authority over him in every area of your life. 
6. Ephesians 6:10-12 Encourages us in this way “be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of they dark world and agains the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Put on the full armor of God daily… the devil and his minions are not taking a break to not let them see a crack in your armor.

How do we do drink from this Cup? How can deliverance be ours? 

1. Deliverance is a process so don’t get too down on about where you are at in the journey.
2. Relationships are key! We cannot do this alone. We cannot triumph over our stuff without first the help of the Holy Spirit and second the help of fellow believers. I am not saying any/all relationships but good relationships with those who love Jesus.
3. First we must confess our sins to God. 1 John 1:9 says that if we confess your sins, He GOD is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. Ok we are clean now and can be in God’s presence… We are saved and things are great but then sin sneaks back in.
4. We must confess our sins to a faithful believer or small group. Now you may be thinking that I am pulling your leg and you only need to confess to God, but check what scripture says about it Proverbs 28: 13 says Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. And then James 5:16 says Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
5. God saves us but we are healed through and with God’s people.
6. Don’t confess to everyone or anyone… that will bite you. But find a few trusted people and show them your hurt, your heart, your struggles and PRAY together for the healing of the Holy Spirit to flood your lives. Confession brings accountability… 
7. I get it. It is hard to confess our sins, hurts, weaknesses to one another. It can be embarrassing. But in the body of Christ there is no condemnation if we are truly living out Romans 8. 
8. Finally, be in God’s word. We know from Timothy’s book that the word of God is alive and that every scripture is God breathed and useful for teaching, admonishing and training in righteousness. You cannot be dominated by thoughts that are not of God and if you fill yourself with scripture those thoughts no longer have the brainspace but God’s word does! Let the Holy Spirit control your mind. You have to get into God’s word so God’s word can get into you. Do not use the words of this book as a weapon but as a healing balm. 

Please pray with me: we remember that you, God, freed the Israelites from Egypt.  We remember that you still free us from the enslavement of sin through Jesus Christ!  Therefore, let us rejoice at the wonder of our deliverance from bondage to freedom, from agony to joy, from darkness to light.  Before you let us sing a new song of praise.  We look with hope to our final redemption, and our eternal life with  Jesus Christ.  We praise you, O God, and give you all glory, honor and praise for you only are worthy of all that we are. Let us continue to grow in the love, grace and knowledge of who you are and who we are in you. Through Christ our Lord, Amen. 

Uncomfortable for Christ

Don't you just hate when God calls you to do something that just makes your flat out uncomfortable? But if we cannot get uncomfortable for Christ, then what is worth it?

Not to mention that we are also in good company... Christ himself prayed to our Father that the cup of suffering would pass from him that he would not have to drink from it. But he finished that prayer moments before his arrest with these words, "Not my will but Your will be done."

Doing the will of God continues to push me into places that I would rather not go. Doing the will of God makes me share things that I would rather not share. For His glory, I must say yes even in the discomfort.

Lord, I believe, Thou help my unbelief.

What Should We Be Doing?

As I sit here, in Martin's Supermarket, procrastinating, I am struck with the question: What should we (believers in Christ) be doing right now?

Me as an individual, should be writing my sermon for tomorrow evening, but alas I have sat and prayed, looked at books, read scripture and asked other people for ideas and still don't have much to go on. If I was at home, I should have laundry going and other chores completed. (But we all know I would be laying in bed or on the couch playing Candy Crush or reading a book.)

What should the body of Christ be doing as a whole right now and are we doing it? Well first we should probably start with Jesus' words found in Luke 10, "Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, and with all of your mind, and with all of your soul and with all of your strength. And also love your neighbor as yourself." I think another part of the answer comes to us from Matthew 25 "I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me... Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me." And I think the more of the answer comes to us again from Matthew but in chapter 28, "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you."

Is this all? No, but it is a good start. I could quote dozens more passages of commandments that we should be doing. Am I doing these things as an individual? Not really very well... I don't love people easily. I am easily frustrated and angered at others and don't give a lot of grace for moments that I perceive as other people's stupidity interrupting my life. I don't give as much as I should. I don't always love God will all of my heart, soul, mind and strength... So I am struggling as an individual for sure with these things but I am working on them and growing in the grace, love, and knowledge of God each day.

But how are we doing as the body of Christ? Well... I have a hard time answering this honestly, because I do not like the answer. We fight amongst ourselves. We do not give to the poor as we should. We do not feed the hungry. We do not care for the sick unless they are our own. We stay in the safety of our own walls and never do a ton for the kingdom. Now, don't get too bent out of shape about my negativity about that. I am very lucky to be a part of a church that is doing really great and awesome stuff! And I know that there are many congregations around the world that are being the hands and feet of Christ for a lost and hurting world. I was making a point about how the world views us collectively sometimes.

Where can we go from here? I know that there is a stirring among many Christians currently. We are praying for the future, politically and spiritually right now. I know that I need to get beyond my own stuff to do the work of the gospel. I know that I need to write tomorrow's sermon and continue to grow in my love of God.

When Waiting is the Only Option

I am not good at waiting. No surprise there, right? But who is? Okay. Okay. Okay. I am worse at it than most people. I do not like waiting for traffic, water to get hot (and will settle for lukewarm tea), commercials to end, lunch break to come, and the list could continue for decades. I think that I mostly don't like waiting because it increases my anxiety and then that increases my discomfort. 

Unfortunately there are times in life where waiting is the only option. I am in a waiting time that I have no choice about... I saw the doctor yesterday and this is what I said to a friend afterwards, "No real news. Had blood drawn for genetic testing. Urine to rule out infection. I have an ultrasound and follow up appointment on March 14, because doc thinks the next two weeks is a good time to go on vacation. Surgery is still looming in the future but is delayed for the time being." 

If it were up to me, I wouldn't have to wait for my surgery, for my surgeon to get back from vacation and more importantly I would not have to wait for ANSWERS. However, I am at the mercy of other people and just how long blood tests take and everything else that is 110% out of my control. I have to live with information that I would rather not have like knowing what the BRCA1 and BRCA2 markers test for. I have to live with the fact that surgery is coming and yet I have no idea when or how extensive it will be. I have to live with the fact that I cannot leave the house without Zofran and other medications. I have to live with the fact that there is something about me that all of this makes SUPER anxious. 

In the anxiety, I find myself face to face with some unpleasant questions. Do I trust God even in the waiting? Do I trust God even in the fear while waiting? Do I believe that ALL things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose? Do I believe that even in the tough moments of having no answers that God is still in control? Do I trust that Christ has already overcome every trial I will ever face? Can I sit with God in the wait and not feel frustrated because I feel like he isn't doing anything? These questions get down to the nitty-gritty of who I really am and what I truly believe. Because when it really boils down to it there is only one question in all of these: Do I trust God that God is who He said He would always be? Answering that will change my perspective. Because either I do or I don't and there is no in between. I, of course, would say yes I do trust that God is who He said He would always be. But my anxiety and doubt make that answer questionable. I guess it is a moment by moment process and I will just keep singing John Waller's song While I'm Waiting:

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait

Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I'll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting

Where Faith and Fear Collide

As a person who has anxiety (to the point of needing daily medication), I understand fear. I understand worrying about something to the point of causing fear. I can know that something is seriously irrational and still be afraid.

As a person who loves God and His Word, I know that the Bible has exhorted us 365 times to not be afraid. I can see clearly how fear is an absences of faith and trust. Yet, I cannot always talk myself out of fear and back into faith.

However, there are occasions in life where faith and fear collide. (It is as dramatic as it sounds most of the time.) These are moments of worship in the midst of fear and the Holy Spirit whispers to my heart that it will be okay, no matter what the outcome is. This has been happening more and more lately. As the fear of what is happening to me medically comes to the forefront of my mind all the time, I have had to make worship, through song and prayer, a part of my daily routine. Sometimes I have to listen to the same song for four hours at work and let the truth of it sink way down to keep the fear at bay. Other times, I am full into the fear without even fully realizing in and then I hear a song that snaps me back into reality and out of anxiety.

When I allow myself to meet God in these moments, something holy happens. Something that I cannot really put into words, but the sweetness of those moments can only be from God. The tears from those moments can only be of healing. Trust is not easy, faith is not easy, but in these moments they are easier.

Stand Firm

If I had a dollar for every time I have known what I needed to write and then spent a day or two dragging my feet or trying to find a way around it, I would have a few thousand dollars....

This post is not easy for me to write (they rarely are but this one has all the feels). I need to give credit where credit is due. A lot of this stems out of Max's sermon from Tuesday night and the rest is combination from Jenny's preview and Cindy's service last night at Fellowship Mission and my own musings.

I must stand firm. Even when it hurts. Even when it is hard. Even when I am ill. Even when it is inconvenient. Even when it costs time, money, energy, sleep, et cetera. God honors every disciple that stands firm. But standing firm is hard.

I am intimately and painfully aware of the toll lasting illness has on a person. It is physically difficult on many levels. But it also reaches to other areas of my life: socially, financially, emotionally and yes, spiritually. My struggle for lasting health started in the fall of 2010 and has had some hard times and some easier times. I have felt farther from God in some of these moments than I ever have, even before my confession of faith. And it has pushed me deeper into the heart of God at other moments. God has felt quiet and he has been audible. I know that this all sounds like opposites and that both can't be true, but rest assured all of these feelings are real. I have felt isolated and I have felt supported and surrounded. I have been angry and I have been sad. I have struggled to pray, to find a place to hear God's still small voice. I have, in anger and disappointment, put my Bible on a shelf and not read it. I have, in desperation, pulled it back out to find its words to be sustaining and life-giving.

I have had to learn (relearn, relearn and relearn) my utter dependency on Christ's sufficiency. Every problem is an invitation for me to meet Jesus and His grace right in the point of my need, because as he reassured Paul, his words are still true, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Not easy words to swallow, especially in the midst of things. God is not limited by my circumstances. Although I often time limit Him, and myself, based on my circumstances. I must stop putting God inside the box of me not feeling well, because He doesn't belong there. My spiritual well-being is not dependent upon my physical state. I can still be spiritually growing and gaining ground while my body fails and betrays me.

Everyone faces some type of adversity everyday. I need Jesus and so does everyone else. Luckily, He is big enough for each and every one of us. I need to take Jesus into my doctor's appointments with me. I need Him in my fear. I need him in my emotions and not feeling like things are fair. I need Him to get me out of bed every morning. I need him in my not sleeping enough. I NEED Him.  Apart from Him, I can't really do much.

Let's have some ugly honesty... I knew that there was a good chance of coming completely unglued crying when arriving at church last night. I did not feel good physically, I was tired, the Holy Spirit was still working on me from Max's sermon and the last KGB meeting and I really wanted to run away. And then on the drive from the church to Fellowship Mission I listened to Crown Him with Many Crowns which totally added to my inability to hold it all together.

We set up and I was maintaining. Cindy gave the greeting and call to worship and I was still HAPPILY maintaining my facade. Then it was time to sing. We started off by singing We Lift Our Hands in the Sanctuary. No feelings, I was doing good. I was composed and glued together. Then it got to Draw Me Close... okay a few tears (a few more than a few really but who is counting) but nothing too bad. Then David started the music for Breathe... I knew that things were going to turn from a few quiet little tears to more than that. We got to the lines "And I, I'm desperate for You! And I, I'm lost without You!" and ugly cries began to settle in. Hard crying with the cry breathing, coughing, snotting and what not. The "I am never going to be able to pull myself back to composure ever again" crying. I was crying over my desperate need for God's presence in my life. I was crying because I am tired of not feeling well. I was crying because it just isn't fair. I was crying because it was the only thing that made sense to do. I did eventually stop the ugly crying and even crying altogether to tune into Cindy's message where I was reminded again of God being all that I need. Every need I have ever had or will ever have has been permanently and forever met in the person of Jesus Christ and I NEED to trust that. 

So, I wasn't crying at the end of the message, but then David started playing I Need Thee Every Hour. Cue the waterworks. When it was over, I excused myself to the restroom to pull it back together AGAIN... If only that were the last time. We prayed I cried, and got over it. Cindy asked me if I was ok and then the ugly cries came back.

My tears said more to God than my words ever could. I have been tender today. My tears have been easy even still. I am holding to the words of:

Psalm 126 "Those who sow in tears will reap in songs of joy."
Psalm 34 "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crused in spirit.
1 Peter 5 "Cast all your cares on him, because he cares for you."
Isaiah 53 "Surely he has born our griefs and sorrows..."

Philippians 4 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." 

and many others.

I am also choosing to trust that in this dark night of the soul God is bringing me to a new area, new depth and new understanding of my faith. But for now I am standing firm knowing that I am dedicated to Christ for His work and His glory. I am desperate for my Savior each and every moment of every day and that, by ANY definition, does not mean that I have this figured out. Because I really, really don't. If you are in a difficult spot, please know that I am praying for people who are in tough places with me. 

If You Really Must Know...

So, occasionally people say dumb things about other people who happen to have some sort of chronic illness. I am no exception to that. People often subject me to statements that I have to resist the urge to physically respond to. The one that I get most often that I absolutely hate is "You don't seem that sick." (***EYEROLL***) OK. OK. OK. I am not sure how people who are sick are supposed to seem but I have decided to photograph little things in my every day life that are effected by my illness.

It is not uncommon to see this hour or any other when I should be asleep because I am either in pain, nauseated, or have to use the bathroom.

Also, that can sometimes mean that my "night" consisted of a two hour nap and then giving up for the night. Which means I am often tired out of not being well rested and that leads to crankiness.

I can't remember the last time I slept without a barf bucket near by. Sometimes it is just a grocery bag. Other times I have the official pink bucket from the hospital 

 One is for my stomach. The other two are to control my anxiety over being sick (and other things) so my stomach doesn't hurt. 

 This is a must have because I never know when nausea will hit and this will subdue it slightly. Plus if I have to vomit someplace without my toothbrush this gives instant fresh breath. I do slightly panic if I do not have some and need some. I have been known to frantically ask entire rooms of people for mint gum.

I literally pray that there will never be a day that they stop making this drug. It is an anti-nausea medication that melts in your mouth and goes to work in just seconds.

I cannot get enough water, ever. But heaven forbid I take more than a 1/2 swallow sip at a time, lest begins a fresh round of nausea. Back to the gum it can quench thirst in a pinch.

 I have my favorite bathrooms in at least 10 counties already figured out. In emergency situations, I have had to stop less than five minutes from my destination to use the restroom. I have (on more than one occasion) uttered this prayer "Lord, please let this be a single person, relatively clean, with toilet paper bathroom because we both know I can't make it any farther than this."

I have or am trying every homeopathic/alternative treatment on the planet. I apply oils daily on top of prescription medication. 

So, I am sorry that I don't "seem" sick. But my daily life always has an undercurrent of illness. This effects me physically (obviously), but also emotionally, spiritual, relationally, and socially all the time. I have begged God for things to be different. I have cried many tears over it, even today as the prospect of scheduling another surgery becomes more and more of a reality. I don't know how people want me to act. I am doing the best I can with what I have. This is just who I am. 

Internal Dialogue

This is a bit more light-hearted than usual; however, it shows a side of me and my walk with God that is very real.

Sunday night I went to bed about 10pm and fell asleep no problem (which is monumental, because that is not always the case). Then, oh then, 1:38 am I got a wake up call from my brain. Here is the conversation that ensued.

Brain: Hey, everyone, I have some important things to discuss.
Body: No! We need sleep for work.
Heart: Actually, I could go for a good discussion.
Body: GUYS!!! No, tomorrow is Monday and we have a BIG week.
Bladder: Since we're up...
Body: Bladder, I will listen to you and take care of your needs then we are ALL going back to sleep.
a few minutes later....
Body: Ok, everyone is comfortable, warm, cozy time for sleep. That includes you brain.
Brain: Why am I singled out?
Heart: I thought we were going to have some time for a conversation.
Body: Guys we do no have time for this.
Emotions: Oh, hey everyone, sorry I am late to the party but I brought anxiety with me.
Body: Well, I just lost my vote. Please hurry so we can get back to sleep at a decent time.
Stomach: Emotions, did you have to bring anxiety, it upsets me.
Brain: Stomach, I will give you some meds, but you need to shut-up.
Stomach: Thanks for meds but your attitude needs work.
Heart: Seriously, when are we going to get to work? I have a lot to offer right now. Ok, I will just lay it out here, our talk doesn't feature me enough.
Brain: ARE YOU KIDDING?!?! It is all about you.
Emotions: Hey, I thought you might want fear to join anxiety for the night.
Stomach: Great....
Heart: Brain, you seriously disagree with me?
Brain: Yes, Your whole thing is mushy, full of your feelings and shows you off. I barely get two sentences.
Heart: You do realize we wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for you?
Brain: Your point?
Stomach: More meds please, and some peppermint oil while you are at it.
Body: We are no longer comfortable, lets roll around 47 times. And is it hot in here?
Brain: Body you are not a contributor currently.
Heart: My point is that we can't always be cerebral or we will lose people in the minutia.
Brain: I do not like your reasoning. Anything can be rationally explained to rational people.
Heart: We are not talk reason, we are talking relationship.
Brain: Relationship... barf. This is one of those God things isn't that no matter how much I fight you, how much reason I throw at you, or how many feelings emotion brings, you are going to win.
Heart: That is basically were we are at.
Emotions: Hey, everyone I would like to add a little something to this process before heart gets the final decision. This is going to be HARD on all of us. This doesn't actually seem like a good idea.
Body: I, too, would like to chime in. I need rest and if we go with heart that will be severely compromised.
Brain: See heart, it isn't just me. Lots of us are concerned about where you will drag us all.
Heart: I am choosing to trust God on this one. And you all will be fine. Stop being such babies.
Emotions: Hey pride called and wants to be a part of this.
Pride: Do you really want everyone to know what you have already written? and now you are considering adding more?!?! Do you care about me at all?
Heart: Actually, I don't care about you.
Pride: Alrightythen.
Brain: That escalated quickly.
Heart: Ok, so we are doing this. I am tired of arguing with all of you and I think body wants to go back to bed.
Body: Definitely want to go back to bed, but I could use some more discussion about where you are headed.
Stomach: I think I need to puke.
Brain: We aren't puking today have some water and chill out.
Stomach: Ok, ok, but I want it to be noted that I am still not doing well. And I too think this is a really bad idea.
Heart: This discussion is now over. We have a decision. I apologize in advance for any discomfort you feel as a result.
Body: But now I am wide awake, what should I do?
Emotions: I have plenty of things I can give to the brain to work on. Brain, here is anxiety, fear, feelings of unworthiness, and you can probably fill a lot of gaps with memories of every stupid thing we've ever done.
Brain: Thanks for the starting point, I know where to go from here, Emotions. Heart, you are an idiot that I unfortunately have to follow.
Stomach. Emotions, what did you just do? I am worse.
Body: Well, I guess I'll sleep tomorrow....