This post is not easy for me to write (they rarely are but this one has all the feels). I need to give credit where credit is due. A lot of this stems out of Max's sermon from Tuesday night and the rest is combination from Jenny's preview and Cindy's service last night at Fellowship Mission and my own musings.
I must stand firm. Even when it hurts. Even when it is hard. Even when I am ill. Even when it is inconvenient. Even when it costs time, money, energy, sleep, et cetera. God honors every disciple that stands firm. But standing firm is hard.
I am intimately and painfully aware of the toll lasting illness has on a person. It is physically difficult on many levels. But it also reaches to other areas of my life: socially, financially, emotionally and yes, spiritually. My struggle for lasting health started in the fall of 2010 and has had some hard times and some easier times. I have felt farther from God in some of these moments than I ever have, even before my confession of faith. And it has pushed me deeper into the heart of God at other moments. God has felt quiet and he has been audible. I know that this all sounds like opposites and that both can't be true, but rest assured all of these feelings are real. I have felt isolated and I have felt supported and surrounded. I have been angry and I have been sad. I have struggled to pray, to find a place to hear God's still small voice. I have, in anger and disappointment, put my Bible on a shelf and not read it. I have, in desperation, pulled it back out to find its words to be sustaining and life-giving.
I have had to learn (relearn, relearn and relearn) my utter dependency on Christ's sufficiency. Every problem is an invitation for me to meet Jesus and His grace right in the point of my need, because as he reassured Paul, his words are still true, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Not easy words to swallow, especially in the midst of things. God is not limited by my circumstances. Although I often time limit Him, and myself, based on my circumstances. I must stop putting God inside the box of me not feeling well, because He doesn't belong there. My spiritual well-being is not dependent upon my physical state. I can still be spiritually growing and gaining ground while my body fails and betrays me.
Everyone faces some type of adversity everyday. I need Jesus and so does everyone else. Luckily, He is big enough for each and every one of us. I need to take Jesus into my doctor's appointments with me. I need Him in my fear. I need him in my emotions and not feeling like things are fair. I need Him to get me out of bed every morning. I need him in my not sleeping enough. I NEED Him. Apart from Him, I can't really do much.
Let's have some ugly honesty... I knew that there was a good chance of coming completely unglued crying when arriving at church last night. I did not feel good physically, I was tired, the Holy Spirit was still working on me from Max's sermon and the last KGB meeting and I really wanted to run away. And then on the drive from the church to Fellowship Mission I listened to Crown Him with Many Crowns which totally added to my inability to hold it all together.
We set up and I was maintaining. Cindy gave the greeting and call to worship and I was still HAPPILY maintaining my facade. Then it was time to sing. We started off by singing We Lift Our Hands in the Sanctuary. No feelings, I was doing good. I was composed and glued together. Then it got to Draw Me Close... okay a few tears (a few more than a few really but who is counting) but nothing too bad. Then David started the music for Breathe... I knew that things were going to turn from a few quiet little tears to more than that. We got to the lines "And I, I'm desperate for You! And I, I'm lost without You!" and ugly cries began to settle in. Hard crying with the cry breathing, coughing, snotting and what not. The "I am never going to be able to pull myself back to composure ever again" crying. I was crying over my desperate need for God's presence in my life. I was crying because I am tired of not feeling well. I was crying because it just isn't fair. I was crying because it was the only thing that made sense to do. I did eventually stop the ugly crying and even crying altogether to tune into Cindy's message where I was reminded again of God being all that I need. Every need I have ever had or will ever have has been permanently and forever met in the person of Jesus Christ and I NEED to trust that.
So, I wasn't crying at the end of the message, but then David started playing I Need Thee Every Hour. Cue the waterworks. When it was over, I excused myself to the restroom to pull it back together AGAIN... If only that were the last time. We prayed I cried, and got over it. Cindy asked me if I was ok and then the ugly cries came back.
My tears said more to God than my words ever could. I have been tender today. My tears have been easy even still. I am holding to the words of:
Psalm 126 "Those who sow in tears will reap in songs of joy."
Psalm 34 "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crused in spirit.
1 Peter 5 "Cast all your cares on him, because he cares for you."
Isaiah 53 "Surely he has born our griefs and sorrows..."
Philippians 4 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
and many others.
I am also choosing to trust that in this dark night of the soul God is bringing me to a new area, new depth and new understanding of my faith. But for now I am standing firm knowing that I am dedicated to Christ for His work and His glory. I am desperate for my Savior each and every moment of every day and that, by ANY definition, does not mean that I have this figured out. Because I really, really don't. If you are in a difficult spot, please know that I am praying for people who are in tough places with me.
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