When Waiting is the Only Option

I am not good at waiting. No surprise there, right? But who is? Okay. Okay. Okay. I am worse at it than most people. I do not like waiting for traffic, water to get hot (and will settle for lukewarm tea), commercials to end, lunch break to come, and the list could continue for decades. I think that I mostly don't like waiting because it increases my anxiety and then that increases my discomfort. 

Unfortunately there are times in life where waiting is the only option. I am in a waiting time that I have no choice about... I saw the doctor yesterday and this is what I said to a friend afterwards, "No real news. Had blood drawn for genetic testing. Urine to rule out infection. I have an ultrasound and follow up appointment on March 14, because doc thinks the next two weeks is a good time to go on vacation. Surgery is still looming in the future but is delayed for the time being." 

If it were up to me, I wouldn't have to wait for my surgery, for my surgeon to get back from vacation and more importantly I would not have to wait for ANSWERS. However, I am at the mercy of other people and just how long blood tests take and everything else that is 110% out of my control. I have to live with information that I would rather not have like knowing what the BRCA1 and BRCA2 markers test for. I have to live with the fact that surgery is coming and yet I have no idea when or how extensive it will be. I have to live with the fact that I cannot leave the house without Zofran and other medications. I have to live with the fact that there is something about me that all of this makes SUPER anxious. 

In the anxiety, I find myself face to face with some unpleasant questions. Do I trust God even in the waiting? Do I trust God even in the fear while waiting? Do I believe that ALL things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose? Do I believe that even in the tough moments of having no answers that God is still in control? Do I trust that Christ has already overcome every trial I will ever face? Can I sit with God in the wait and not feel frustrated because I feel like he isn't doing anything? These questions get down to the nitty-gritty of who I really am and what I truly believe. Because when it really boils down to it there is only one question in all of these: Do I trust God that God is who He said He would always be? Answering that will change my perspective. Because either I do or I don't and there is no in between. I, of course, would say yes I do trust that God is who He said He would always be. But my anxiety and doubt make that answer questionable. I guess it is a moment by moment process and I will just keep singing John Waller's song While I'm Waiting:

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait

Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I'll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting