I'm Back

Ok, I have NOT fallen off the face of the planet... I know it has been a long while since I had a post. Quite honestly, I have have been avoiding it. I have not wanted to be obedient to what God is calling me to do or to share. However, yesterday we had an exercise in training that has pushed me to at least post something today...

The question was raised as we discussed life stresses and what cause us to be able to not be able to deal with things that we normally would be able handle with no real problems. But if we have external stresses that are abnormal, don't feel well or have other things going on, typical stresses become overwhelming. We then did an exercise about what our lives looked like two months ago, six months ago, one year ago and then compared to right then.

Where was I two months ago? The date would have been 3/11/16. I was at Kokomo Great Banquet #111. It was our first full day; we heard five talks; I heard things from God that were new to me; I was preparing to give my talk the next morning. I was working for Forte and living in Kosciusko county. I was going to Celebration every Sunday and Wednesday. I was still waiting on surgery and felt pretty crappy all the time.

Where was six months ago? 11/11/15, I was still pretty new at Forte. I was in a socially difficult place. I was starting to have anxiety about the holidays. I was living in Kosciusko County. And I just don't have much to say about that time... oh well, moving on.

Where was I one year ago? 5/11/15, I was working at Kingsfield. I had received notice already that we were closing our doors on 5/30/15. I was living in Clark County. Elliot was brand new... like 12 days old. Bennett was almost 3. I hated living away from them. I had no idea what I would be doing for work after Kingsfield closed. I didn't know where I would be living but knew I had my lease until August 11. I was living some place with no friends and not involved in a church. I was driving to northern Indiana every other weekend to have some social connection with my people. I kind of hated my life, my job, my location, It was rough and ugly.

Where am I now? 5/11/16... I am still recuperating from Kokomo Great Banquet #111... I learned a ton and am still in the process of implementation. I have made many acquaintances and several friends from being on team for #111. I have given my talk several more times and will probably continue to do so. My calling has become slightly clear (even if I am not really ready to accept or talk about what that may look like). I am working for Four County Counseling Center as a Home Based Case Manager (and LOVE it). I am living in Howard County. I am trying to find a new church while still having a foot at Celebration (and I took a couple Sundays off from church). My surgery was very successful and I feel pretty good. Even if I still have to see doctors more regularly than I'd like to. I am looking into graduate school again, but not for religion/philosophy/divinity, which is kind of scary since that is where my education has always been in that realm. Elliott is one! Bennett is almost 4!! They are both amazing and I love being closer to them. General Conference has a ton of my attention. God is calling me deeper and pushing me harder than ever before.

So then we scored our life changes on a Life Stress Test according to the changes in our life over the past 12 months. I, understandably, scored VERY high. Scoring high, is an indication of the likelihood to have a stress related illness, or a mental health illness related to stress (anxiety, depression nos). For a minute, that number really bothered me. But when I really look at the past year, I see very clearly God's hand. I see providence. I see prevenient and sanctifying grace. I see a glimmer of hope for the future. Has there been stress? ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!! Is there still a lot of stress? RESOUNDING, YES!!! Am I more emotional that I would like to be? CATEGORICALLY, YES!!!
Are we heading someplace better, moving on and up? DEFINITELY!!!!!

How have I seen God in all of this? Well, that is a long answer, but I will Reader's Digest it up since I have already written a small novel. A year ago, I was living someplace I hated, but doing a job I that was okay. And even though I spent a long time (4 full months) unemployed, I got to move back to where my babies and my people are. The Great Banquet training + the actual weekend was one of the hardest, most emotionally draining things I have ever done; however, through the process and actual weekend I got to hear truth, met the people I am now living with, got connect with the person that got me my new job, had people affirm a calling on my life, and that list could go on. Being sick is never easy, but it makes me rely on God more. Having to deal with things in me, my own sin, healing from hurts and disappointments is, quite frankly, a pain in my butt. Nonetheless, in the process of being set free from my stuff, I get to become the person God ultimately created me to be. Am I there? NOT AT ALL! (lol). But I can see that God is working and moving. Now it is time for me to trust His plan and figure out a way to feel brave enough to dive all in.