Anger + Anxiety + Arrogance = An Unholy Advent Equation

It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I struggle with anger. I overreact our of anger, frequently. I curse more than I should. I hold grudges and refuse to forgive. I assume the worst of people far more often than I assume the best and that boils out because of deep-seated anger. Sometimes I think I was just born mad. As far back as I can remember, anger and hatred have flown out of my mouth and poured over my actions.

I also am anxious. I worry about things that I have zero control about. I make my own stomach hurt on a regular basis getting worked up about things that have yet to (and probably will never) happen. I am convinced that it is genetic. My dad worries even more than I do and his mom more than him and her mom even more than that.... We are anxious people with sweaty palms and slight tachycardia.

Unfortunately my anger and anxiety are often coupled with crippling arrogance. I am well read, have a decent education and I have a difficult time not holding some level of superiority because of it. I try desperately to fight it-- sometimes with success and other times with no luck at all.

When these three awful parts of who I am combine at full force I turn into a real asshole. And let me tell you it does not make for a very successful morning of worship if it happens on a Sunday. Well this equation came to a terrible climax yesterday at about 9:34 right as I was walking into church. The first Sunday of Advent and all I wanted to do was be pissed off, fearful, and argue with people to prove my theological and philosophical prowess. Not exactly how I should be preparing for the incarnate Christ.

Preparation. Anticipation. Hope. Peace. Love. Joy. This is what Advent is supposed to mean. But I sat there not feeling those things at all. Hostility. Anger. Frustration. Annoyance. Fear. Pride. SIN. I felt heavy sin in my heart. My feelings were taking away everything Advent is supposed to be.

As the service went on, I sang when it was time to, paid attention as I should, and (begrudgingly) put my check in the plate. The we sang O Come, O Come Emmanuel and my wrongness became more and more evident. The Holy Spirit was convicting me and I was trying like mad to ignore it. Except I couldn't really ignore the words "disperse the gloomy clouds of night and death's dark shadow put to flight." I was gloomy and dark shadows were cast all over my heart.

Oh the joys of conviction (read that with as much sarcasm as you can muster, then sigh and roll your eyes and that will capture my feelings appropriately). Regrettably (for me) the Holy Spirit is hard to ignore. By the middle of the sermon I was asking myself some tough questions:

How am I personally preparing for Christ's coming?
Am I showing Jesus?
Am I looking for Jesus?
How can I bring Advent to my cantankerous heart?

After resisting the overwhelming urge to skip Sunday School, I found my self in a room full of women watching a video about the Holy Spirit face-to-face with needing to make a decision right then about how to proceed. Answering the question on the video "Are you living with the blessing of the power of the Holy Spirit?" with a resounding no, I realized I had let my bad attitudes quench the rule, reign and peace of the Holy Spirit in my life. Crap. I knew right then and there that I needed a personal revival. I needed to stop obstructing the grace God wanted to pour upon me. I needed to be anointed and prayed for. So that's what we did after Sunday School- I went back to the sanctuary, with Pastor Cindy and many members of the Sunday school class, knelt and humbled myself. Pastor Cindy anointed me and prayed for me to be released from my anger and whatever else was holding me back (of course I was too prideful to admit my fear or arrogance but God knew).

Did I feel better immediately? No, and honestly I still don't. But I believe that in this season of Advent the Holy Spirit is trying to birth something real and life-changing in me. I'm making a conscious effort to prepare the ground of my heart and anticipate (instead of being resistant to) the changes.

Holiness: Part 4- Accountability is Dumb

Ok. Accountability is necessary; however, right now I feel like it is really dumb. And to be quite frank it is pissing me off.

To continue to grow and develop in holiness we all (unfortunately, myself included) must be accountable to someone, whether that is a friend, small group leader or pastor is totally up to you. We all have areas of weakness (DANG IT!). We all struggle (UGHHH!!). We all need to tell someone what these areas are.

I hate that I occasionally need to send an email or text because I can't help myself. I hate that I need someone to not only ask me how something is going but to lift me up in prayer. I often think, "this holiness crap SUCKS!" Accountability is especially difficult for those of us, like myself, that has a tiny pride issue. It takes a ton of humility to admit our weaknesses.

I need to stick with this and you should too...

Holiness Part 3: Avoiding Sins of the Flesh

Let's be real: sins of the flesh are fun and they typically feel good. They are all about physical and mental indulgences. Some (a limited list) found in scripture are gluttony, sexual immorality, adultery, sensuality, pride, impurity, idolatry, drunkenness, lust and greed... etc.

Okay, food is good and even great at some points. It is necessary to sustain human life but can turn to sin when we overindulge habitually. Believe me this one hits home. I LOVE food. All types of food and usually in quantities that are unnecessary. Sex is an absolute must for the sustainability of life on earth. However, lots can turn to sin in this area. I do not want to dwell on this because it makes everyone uncomfortable. Pride, oh pride, how I know you so well. Scripture says that pride comes before the fall. Pride has bit me several times and it is hard to overcome. Alas, I am not speaking about what I actually want to...

How can we avoid the sins of the flesh? The simple answer is to give control of your heart and life to the Holy Spirit's rule and reign. The long, complicated answer is saying no, telling people your struggles for accountability, accepting God's grace when you mess up (because you will), don't continue to put yourself in the same situations that get you into trouble over and over. This takes a long time, a lot of hard work, and unwavering commitment. Have I figured this out totally? By no means!!! But I do continue to press towards the goals that I have set for myself and you should too.

Holiness Part 2: Stumbling Towards Holiness

Pastor Cindy said something quite interesting last night: "This is the most at peace I have ever known your soul to be and I have known you a long time." We discussed this for a few minutes and I think that peace was found somewhat by accident.

Before I dive in any farther, let me say this-- I sin. I am selfish. I get angry WAY too easily. I don't love others like I love myself. I swear in the car. A LOT. And the list could go on. Please do not think that I have holiness figured out by any means by what I am getting ready to talk about.

Peace (the peace that I have and it is still a work in progress) came to me, as I said, as a bit of an accident. Peace was the by-product of moving past just salvation and into trusting the Holy Spirit to begin, continue and finish His sanctifying work in my heart and life. This really has been stumbling towards the holiness that God calls all believers to. AND it still is! It is constantly two steps forward and a step or step and a half back. For the majority of my Christian life I relied on Christ alone and just kept asking for forgiveness when I sinned, with no real intention to try to stop sinning. I lived in a constant need for my sins to be covered by the blood of Christ. We do not grow when this is our mentality. We stay in the same cycles of sin and need of forgiveness. We feel defeated and our fruit is limited, if present at all. There is no peace, joy or love in this kind of cyclical relationship with God. This is also not biblical. Scripture teaches that we are to be growing, that we are to move from glory to glory, that we should move off of spiritual milk and eventually on to meat and things of greater nutrition. Alas, I digress...

A few years ago I made the conscious commitment to surrender my life to the control of the Holy Spirit. Was this easy? NO! I liked some of my sin. I liked the idea of sinning and asking for forgiveness but not really avoiding sin. But then the words of Paul struck my heart (because Scripture is alive and is meant to change us), "Do I sin all the more to keep receiving more grace? No." Oh Paul, how right you are! How wrong I was to spend the first decade or more of following Christ in such a powerless relationship with the Holy Spirit. After making the commitment to give the Holy Spirit my all, I told people for accountability's sake. Then I went headfirst into how to get free and how to be holy. My first book in this endeavor was Spiritual Warfare by Karl Payne. I highly recommend this book for anyone who can't get victory over specific sins or to anyone who wants to help others find freedom in Christ. I took the words of Acts 2:42 seriously and I devoted myself to hearing the Word of God preached, reading the Word daily, fellowship, taking the sacrament of communion as often as it was offered and to prayer. I invited the Holy Spirit to be a part of my life and trusted that what the Bible says about transformation was (and still is) true.

After that the next few months were difficult. (But totally worth doing and I would do again.) I responded to the Holy Spirit's conviction and eliminated some of the things in my life that were causing me great separation from God. By the power of the Holy Spirit, I began to rearrange my life to reflect the priorities I set first in my heart and mind. I continued (and still do) to accept the grace God was (and is) giving me. I let the Holy Spirit heal some of the wounds in my heart by applying the truth of scripture to them and trusting wholeheartedly that scripture is True. In this process, I made mistakes. I still do. In this process, I have cried... TONS. But I have found Truth in the Word of God and been able to start trusting he is who he says he is. I have also been able to begin relying on the Holy Spirit that resides in me to guide, direct, comfort, assure, warn, convict, and many other things through daily life.

The bottom line is God wants all believers to live and walk by the Holy Spirit to find freedom through holiness. This is hard and it takes lots of work. However, I am committed to keep stumbling towards the heart of Jesus and to keep striving for the richness of holiness through the power of the Holy Spirit. And today I will rest in the peace that I have gained and look forward to the day where there is even more peace and freedom in Christ.

4Mat Reflection: Unholiness

Abstract: Forgiveness is not enough. Justification only covers one part of our brokenness as a result of sin. Sin entered humanity in the Garden of Eden and has been the mortal enemy of humanity ever since. Jesus promised to save us from that enemy. Save. Not just forgive! That saving grace is absolutely necessary but once forgiveness is accomplished a believer needs to move into sanctifying grace. This grace is what transforms our lives into the likeness of Christ. It is to make us holy. Christ followers are called to experience the full work of Christ which includes holiness.

Evil plagues the world; there is no doubt that it is difficult to reconcile a loving God with the reality of evil humanity experiences on a daily basis. God is not the author of evil. He is the author of all things good, which includes free will. Humanity was given free will as a gift and our sin corrupted in making evil a part of life. Any created substance, including earth, can change; the only immutable existence in all that is, is God-- in his triune state. Humans were created in the image of God, and through the temptation of Satan, humans used free will to sin against God forever creating potential for evil. Human beings were no longer perfect but were now subject to corruption.

Corruption comes in several forms. Humans are tempted to sin and fall away from holiness in three basic ways: the flesh, the world, and the devil. The flesh is all about physical corruption. Our nature the very core is corrupt. We are under the reign of sin from birth until we submit to the rule and reign of the Holy Spirit in our lives. The corruption of the flesh causes sexual sins, sins of gluttony, and all forms of selfishness. All sins are not created equally but grace applied to all sins forgives them equally. The world tempts us in a different way. The world comes to us through alluring us. Covetous thoughts begin with a sight of something bright and shiny. Humans were created for community but sin has made community corrupt because we cannot truly love one another without the help of the Holy Spirit. In western society, humanity has reached an age of extreme self-centered individualism. The world is trying to isolate people from one another and keep sin secret. We strive for things that human beings were never meant to go after: money, possessions, power and position. The church is the answer for our broken community but only when the church is rightly ordered. Finally we reach the impact of the devil and his minions. The Devil is our enemy! His role in history now is to be the ruler over the system of an evil world. Unfortunately, it is the world we reside in. He will assault us in our weakest spots and come at us in ways that are attractive to us. The only way to defeat Satan and his demons is through standing on scripture, growing in grace and developing in the Holy Spirit.

We are meant to win the war. Satan is an already defeated foe trying desperately to take some of us with him into eternal punishment and separation from God. God has given us the tools to resist the Devil and to live in holiness.  It requires Christians to be intentional. Return to your first love. Recognize that the Enemy is real and he is always on the prowl. To win in everyday life the Christian must depend on the Spirit moment by moment and take a stand. Put on the full armor of God found in Ephesians 6 and don’t take it off. Sanctification is the answer for Christianity. It is the remedy to our sin sick souls. It is the only way.

Concrete: This book is life-changing! It is full of truth and suggestions to make living a life of holiness easier. This book breathes life into the reader by clearly and concisely laying out who and what our enemies are and showing the door to freedom from sin. I have marked this book up on nearly every page, but will leave you with only a handful of powerful quotes for you to read before purchasing/reading this book for yourself. “The ultimate purpose of sanctification is to make us like Christ so we may be holy as he is holy.” YES! Simply and easily stated this is the goal of walking in step with the Spirit of God. “We fear holiness will take away what we like best about sin.” We need to stop justifying sin and set it aside because it is against God’s will for our lives. “Each part of Wesley’s trifold image enables humanity to mirror what takes place in the divine life.” We were created in the image of the triune God and we must live accordingly. “Because their free will is created, it too can change for better or worse… Therefore behind all evil and sin is something that was originally good.” Our corrupted nature is where sin comes from even though we are created good. Sin is bad, obviously, but as humans and a part of creation we are still good. “Without the supreme love of God directing our lives, chaos reigns in our relationships.” We cannot be in well balanced, good relationships outside the love of God flowing through us. Broken relationships with others flow as a natural consequence of a broken relationship with God. “Because of sin, we find ourselves far from God. If we’re to return to our Father’s home, the created order in which we live must not become the ultimate object of our desire and love. It must not distract us from our ultimate end, rather it must only be used to bring us to our ultimate goal – the life everlasting.” We cannot be distracted by things or people to get us off course. “In our fallen condition, the world leads us headlong into the unbridled pursuit of money and material possessions. It seeks to feed out insatiable physical appetites with its many pleasures. It deceives us into believing we are the masters of the natural order, free to plunder and consume the environment of its resources with little regard of the consequences. And it fosters skepticism and cynicism toward any belief in a reality beyond itself. Materialism, consumerism, hedonism, and atheism are what the world uses to ensnare us.” There is absolutely nothing that I can add to this quote, but to say we must stand guard. “We can’t become the people of God in isolation from the means of grace in the Christian community” We are not created to do this alone. We are relational people and need the means of grace present in the church. “Suffice to say Jesus triumphed over each temptation in the same way we can triumph over temptation. He confronted each temptation by quoting Scripture.” You have to know Scripture to quote it and I would encourage all believers to memorize and use Scripture to combat our enemy. I will move on from amazing quotes even though there are DOZENS more I would like to put in here.

Reflection: I can honestly say that there is nothing in this book that I dislike. I had some questions about being ushered into God’s presence when we die; however, I believe that all my questions are a matter of semantics. My main question is why aren’t we discussing spiritual warfare on a regular basis from the pulpit, in small groups, in bible study and even in one on one conversations with other believers? Why do we shy away from the topic of holiness when it has the power to change our lives? What are we afraid of?

Action: This new information is already changing my approach to spiritual warfare and holiness. I plan to continue studying it. I have ordered several more books on spiritual warfare and on the Holy Spirit which I plan to read, study and apply to my life. I also commit to having conversation that may seem uncomfortable. We NEED to be talking about this regularly. Therefore, I intend to do so. 

The God of Beauty

This morning as I was driving to work (grumbling slightly because Hoosiers aren't built for daylight savings) I was taken aback by the beauty of the created world around me. It was slightly foggy in low lying areas and the sun was rising steadily. I drove through an area that had a sparse woods on the south side of the road. Rays of sunshine busted through the almost bear trees and then were amplified by the fog. It was stunning! I began to thank God for the beauty of His creation and then it hit me that there are people who look at it (recognize that it is beautiful), and still believe that it is all by chance. Thank God for the grace that brought me to the realization that all that all that is lovely in this world was created intentionally by Him.