Two separate people asked me today how I was doing; to both of them I responded, "I'm fine." Both of them basically were like "yeah, right... not believable." Well, I don't have much of a response to that.
Why do we (me, you, EVERYONE) say that we are fine when we really aren't? I think there are a lot of potential reasons for why we respond to the question: How are you? with a flat, "I'm fine." One, it is easier than admitting that you aren't okay. Two, we doubt the person actually wants to know how we are. Three, it saves a ton of time to just say that we are fine. Four, we don't have to deal with whatever is bothering us if we answer that we are fine. Five, we may not even know how to describe what all is going on in our minds; therefore, the answer "fine" is easier than trying to figure out how we really feel. Six, we may not even want to admit to ourselves that we are not fine. And I am sure there are other reasons that I haven't listed, but those are just a few that have popped into my brain today.
We all have crap and stuff that we don't want to talk about, deal with, whatever. But, I'm fine.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Friday, May 13, 2016
Sleeplessness and The UMC
I haven't had a good night's rest in months. At first, I believed it was due to my illness, being uncomfortable and anxiety over KGB and the surgery. But now that I am feeling betting, my surgery is over and so is the KGB #111... so what is the deal with my sleep?! My brain is too busy and my back hurts. And maybe (just maybe) God is trying to do something. I hate not sleeping; it makes me cranky, irritable, and a little slow about some things. It makes me not want to do anything. For real! Now I have been forcing myself to still do things like work, social outings, softball and what not; however, the desire for this is low. But I digress...
In my sleeplessness last night, I was reflecting about the United Methodist Church General Conference. I can say that I am honestly quite disappointed that our delegates discussed Rule 44 for three days and still did not get it passed. I'm embarrassed that we have chosen to not to hear each others stories, hearts, and experiences. I am concerned about the message it sends to outsiders watching what we are doing. I worry that we have chosen not to show love or interest to each other inside of the denomination and that will have an effect on how we are perceived to to love or care about our communities. I have a sinking feeling that their response to Rule 44 is the hand writing on the wall for how the rest of General Conference will go.
I followed the twitter feed fairly closely yesterday and watched a few hours of the live feed as I could. It was difficult to watch at points. We had delegates who were acknowledged by the Bishop to have the floor who flat out admitted they were utterly confused. We watched a delegate misgender the presiding Bishop and then argue with her. People were passionate, and not always in a positive way. However, it was also positive to watch in some ways. I loved the installation of Bishop Ough as the president of the Council of Bishops. I even loved watching the nominations (although it was rough to watch only one nomination from the North Central Jurisdiction and to have only one Youth Delegate at GC).
I feel weighed down this morning with the seriousness of what will be happening at General Conference. They begin session in 20ish minutes from when I am typing this. I have deep worry and concern that we will miss the boat on this conference in ways that are irreversible. The United Methodist church in the United States has been in decline for many years and I fear this could spiral us out of control. I know living in Indiana my opinion about our most divisive issues, I do not have the popular opinion. I am for full inclusion. I am for love. I am for living out our motto: Open Hearts, Open Doors, Open Minds. If we do not vote for full inclusion that motto means nothing. Actually, it means that we are liars and don't even believe what we say about ourselves. I digress again. My apologies...
165 years ago popular opinion was to leave slavery the way it was
150 years ago was the official outlaw of slavery
100 years ago women weren't supposed to be in the pulpit
75 years ago interracial marriages were still illegal in many states
55 years ago Protestants were still considered heretics by the Catholic Church
50 years ago if you got divorced you were no longer allowed to serve your church
40 years ago civil rights pushed us into new places as a church
My point is we as a church change with time as the culture changes. There is more biblical proof to keep women out of the pulpit than there is to keep people who were not born heterosexual out of the pulpit; especially when you read and interpret it in first century language and experience. It is time to keep our called individuals who are doing effective ministry in their positions with the ability to come out of the closet without fear of punishment or retaliation. It is time to let our LGBTIQ brothers and sisters enter the arduous process of ordination. It is time to accept the fact that people of all backgrounds are called by a loving God to be in the ministry of loving the world and making disciples for Christ.
In my sleeplessness last night, I was reflecting about the United Methodist Church General Conference. I can say that I am honestly quite disappointed that our delegates discussed Rule 44 for three days and still did not get it passed. I'm embarrassed that we have chosen to not to hear each others stories, hearts, and experiences. I am concerned about the message it sends to outsiders watching what we are doing. I worry that we have chosen not to show love or interest to each other inside of the denomination and that will have an effect on how we are perceived to to love or care about our communities. I have a sinking feeling that their response to Rule 44 is the hand writing on the wall for how the rest of General Conference will go.
I followed the twitter feed fairly closely yesterday and watched a few hours of the live feed as I could. It was difficult to watch at points. We had delegates who were acknowledged by the Bishop to have the floor who flat out admitted they were utterly confused. We watched a delegate misgender the presiding Bishop and then argue with her. People were passionate, and not always in a positive way. However, it was also positive to watch in some ways. I loved the installation of Bishop Ough as the president of the Council of Bishops. I even loved watching the nominations (although it was rough to watch only one nomination from the North Central Jurisdiction and to have only one Youth Delegate at GC).
I feel weighed down this morning with the seriousness of what will be happening at General Conference. They begin session in 20ish minutes from when I am typing this. I have deep worry and concern that we will miss the boat on this conference in ways that are irreversible. The United Methodist church in the United States has been in decline for many years and I fear this could spiral us out of control. I know living in Indiana my opinion about our most divisive issues, I do not have the popular opinion. I am for full inclusion. I am for love. I am for living out our motto: Open Hearts, Open Doors, Open Minds. If we do not vote for full inclusion that motto means nothing. Actually, it means that we are liars and don't even believe what we say about ourselves. I digress again. My apologies...
165 years ago popular opinion was to leave slavery the way it was
150 years ago was the official outlaw of slavery
100 years ago women weren't supposed to be in the pulpit
75 years ago interracial marriages were still illegal in many states
55 years ago Protestants were still considered heretics by the Catholic Church
50 years ago if you got divorced you were no longer allowed to serve your church
40 years ago civil rights pushed us into new places as a church
My point is we as a church change with time as the culture changes. There is more biblical proof to keep women out of the pulpit than there is to keep people who were not born heterosexual out of the pulpit; especially when you read and interpret it in first century language and experience. It is time to keep our called individuals who are doing effective ministry in their positions with the ability to come out of the closet without fear of punishment or retaliation. It is time to let our LGBTIQ brothers and sisters enter the arduous process of ordination. It is time to accept the fact that people of all backgrounds are called by a loving God to be in the ministry of loving the world and making disciples for Christ.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
I'm Back
Ok, I have NOT fallen off the face of the planet... I know it has been a long while since I had a post. Quite honestly, I have have been avoiding it. I have not wanted to be obedient to what God is calling me to do or to share. However, yesterday we had an exercise in training that has pushed me to at least post something today...
The question was raised as we discussed life stresses and what cause us to be able to not be able to deal with things that we normally would be able handle with no real problems. But if we have external stresses that are abnormal, don't feel well or have other things going on, typical stresses become overwhelming. We then did an exercise about what our lives looked like two months ago, six months ago, one year ago and then compared to right then.
Where was I two months ago? The date would have been 3/11/16. I was at Kokomo Great Banquet #111. It was our first full day; we heard five talks; I heard things from God that were new to me; I was preparing to give my talk the next morning. I was working for Forte and living in Kosciusko county. I was going to Celebration every Sunday and Wednesday. I was still waiting on surgery and felt pretty crappy all the time.
Where was six months ago? 11/11/15, I was still pretty new at Forte. I was in a socially difficult place. I was starting to have anxiety about the holidays. I was living in Kosciusko County. And I just don't have much to say about that time... oh well, moving on.
Where was I one year ago? 5/11/15, I was working at Kingsfield. I had received notice already that we were closing our doors on 5/30/15. I was living in Clark County. Elliot was brand new... like 12 days old. Bennett was almost 3. I hated living away from them. I had no idea what I would be doing for work after Kingsfield closed. I didn't know where I would be living but knew I had my lease until August 11. I was living some place with no friends and not involved in a church. I was driving to northern Indiana every other weekend to have some social connection with my people. I kind of hated my life, my job, my location, It was rough and ugly.
Where am I now? 5/11/16... I am still recuperating from Kokomo Great Banquet #111... I learned a ton and am still in the process of implementation. I have made many acquaintances and several friends from being on team for #111. I have given my talk several more times and will probably continue to do so. My calling has become slightly clear (even if I am not really ready to accept or talk about what that may look like). I am working for Four County Counseling Center as a Home Based Case Manager (and LOVE it). I am living in Howard County. I am trying to find a new church while still having a foot at Celebration (and I took a couple Sundays off from church). My surgery was very successful and I feel pretty good. Even if I still have to see doctors more regularly than I'd like to. I am looking into graduate school again, but not for religion/philosophy/divinity, which is kind of scary since that is where my education has always been in that realm. Elliott is one! Bennett is almost 4!! They are both amazing and I love being closer to them. General Conference has a ton of my attention. God is calling me deeper and pushing me harder than ever before.
So then we scored our life changes on a Life Stress Test according to the changes in our life over the past 12 months. I, understandably, scored VERY high. Scoring high, is an indication of the likelihood to have a stress related illness, or a mental health illness related to stress (anxiety, depression nos). For a minute, that number really bothered me. But when I really look at the past year, I see very clearly God's hand. I see providence. I see prevenient and sanctifying grace. I see a glimmer of hope for the future. Has there been stress? ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!! Is there still a lot of stress? RESOUNDING, YES!!! Am I more emotional that I would like to be? CATEGORICALLY, YES!!!
Are we heading someplace better, moving on and up? DEFINITELY!!!!!
How have I seen God in all of this? Well, that is a long answer, but I will Reader's Digest it up since I have already written a small novel. A year ago, I was living someplace I hated, but doing a job I that was okay. And even though I spent a long time (4 full months) unemployed, I got to move back to where my babies and my people are. The Great Banquet training + the actual weekend was one of the hardest, most emotionally draining things I have ever done; however, through the process and actual weekend I got to hear truth, met the people I am now living with, got connect with the person that got me my new job, had people affirm a calling on my life, and that list could go on. Being sick is never easy, but it makes me rely on God more. Having to deal with things in me, my own sin, healing from hurts and disappointments is, quite frankly, a pain in my butt. Nonetheless, in the process of being set free from my stuff, I get to become the person God ultimately created me to be. Am I there? NOT AT ALL! (lol). But I can see that God is working and moving. Now it is time for me to trust His plan and figure out a way to feel brave enough to dive all in.
The question was raised as we discussed life stresses and what cause us to be able to not be able to deal with things that we normally would be able handle with no real problems. But if we have external stresses that are abnormal, don't feel well or have other things going on, typical stresses become overwhelming. We then did an exercise about what our lives looked like two months ago, six months ago, one year ago and then compared to right then.
Where was I two months ago? The date would have been 3/11/16. I was at Kokomo Great Banquet #111. It was our first full day; we heard five talks; I heard things from God that were new to me; I was preparing to give my talk the next morning. I was working for Forte and living in Kosciusko county. I was going to Celebration every Sunday and Wednesday. I was still waiting on surgery and felt pretty crappy all the time.
Where was six months ago? 11/11/15, I was still pretty new at Forte. I was in a socially difficult place. I was starting to have anxiety about the holidays. I was living in Kosciusko County. And I just don't have much to say about that time... oh well, moving on.
Where was I one year ago? 5/11/15, I was working at Kingsfield. I had received notice already that we were closing our doors on 5/30/15. I was living in Clark County. Elliot was brand new... like 12 days old. Bennett was almost 3. I hated living away from them. I had no idea what I would be doing for work after Kingsfield closed. I didn't know where I would be living but knew I had my lease until August 11. I was living some place with no friends and not involved in a church. I was driving to northern Indiana every other weekend to have some social connection with my people. I kind of hated my life, my job, my location, It was rough and ugly.
Where am I now? 5/11/16... I am still recuperating from Kokomo Great Banquet #111... I learned a ton and am still in the process of implementation. I have made many acquaintances and several friends from being on team for #111. I have given my talk several more times and will probably continue to do so. My calling has become slightly clear (even if I am not really ready to accept or talk about what that may look like). I am working for Four County Counseling Center as a Home Based Case Manager (and LOVE it). I am living in Howard County. I am trying to find a new church while still having a foot at Celebration (and I took a couple Sundays off from church). My surgery was very successful and I feel pretty good. Even if I still have to see doctors more regularly than I'd like to. I am looking into graduate school again, but not for religion/philosophy/divinity, which is kind of scary since that is where my education has always been in that realm. Elliott is one! Bennett is almost 4!! They are both amazing and I love being closer to them. General Conference has a ton of my attention. God is calling me deeper and pushing me harder than ever before.
So then we scored our life changes on a Life Stress Test according to the changes in our life over the past 12 months. I, understandably, scored VERY high. Scoring high, is an indication of the likelihood to have a stress related illness, or a mental health illness related to stress (anxiety, depression nos). For a minute, that number really bothered me. But when I really look at the past year, I see very clearly God's hand. I see providence. I see prevenient and sanctifying grace. I see a glimmer of hope for the future. Has there been stress? ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!! Is there still a lot of stress? RESOUNDING, YES!!! Am I more emotional that I would like to be? CATEGORICALLY, YES!!!
Are we heading someplace better, moving on and up? DEFINITELY!!!!!
How have I seen God in all of this? Well, that is a long answer, but I will Reader's Digest it up since I have already written a small novel. A year ago, I was living someplace I hated, but doing a job I that was okay. And even though I spent a long time (4 full months) unemployed, I got to move back to where my babies and my people are. The Great Banquet training + the actual weekend was one of the hardest, most emotionally draining things I have ever done; however, through the process and actual weekend I got to hear truth, met the people I am now living with, got connect with the person that got me my new job, had people affirm a calling on my life, and that list could go on. Being sick is never easy, but it makes me rely on God more. Having to deal with things in me, my own sin, healing from hurts and disappointments is, quite frankly, a pain in my butt. Nonetheless, in the process of being set free from my stuff, I get to become the person God ultimately created me to be. Am I there? NOT AT ALL! (lol). But I can see that God is working and moving. Now it is time for me to trust His plan and figure out a way to feel brave enough to dive all in.
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