July 31, 2012

Today I am really struggling with what to write. Actually, if the whole truth were to be told, I am struggling in general. Life is hard and confusing. Sometimes it is lonely and dark. Occasionally people say insensitive things. I find myself kind of stuck today.

Philosophically I know what I should do to get myself unstuck.  However, I lack the motivation or desire to actually do what it takes. I know that I need to take my thoughts captive. I know that I should pray and trust God. I know that I need to kick Satan.

What am I going to do with this negativity and this day? I think the best option would probably be to grab my iPod, turn on some worship music and go for a walk. I do not like being in a funk. I have to make up my mind to get out of it. I guess my prayer for today is give me grace and strength to find You in all things.

Kick the Devil

So another post about Saturday night at church...

After the invitation I had an interesting (semi-comical) conversation with my friend, Dawn.
              Me: I am tired of being afraid.
              Dawn: Do you know who wants you to be scared?
              Me: Yes, and he is doing a really good job right now.
              Dawn: You need to kick him.
              Me: Like in the shin and run away?
              Dawn: Just kick him anywhere or all over.

So I have been thinking about this now for a couple days. What does it mean to kick the devil? I am in a battle (as is everyone). The enemy came only to steal, kill and destroy, John 10:10. I am fighting to keep, live and grow. I want to keep the peace of God, live in truth and grow in grace. But how do I accomplish this?

I think that kicking the devil starts with practicing Ephesians 6 " ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." I need to put on and utilize the full armor of God. I think that thwarting the enemy is the first step in kicking him. The armor thwarts but also gives us the opportunity to use the one and only peace of offensive gear we have... the Word. How did Jesus fight the tempter during his 40 days in the desert? With the Old Testament. How should I kick my enemy? With the words in the Word.

Casting Out Fear

1 John 4:18 says that perfect love casts out fear. It also says that those who fear have not been made perfect in love. I can confess that I have obviously not been made perfect in love. I can also say that I am sick and tired of being scared.

Last night at church the invitation was for those who had burdens that they wanted to be rid of. I instantly was swept away by emotion. I have been burdened by fear for too long. I hate being scared of the unknown or unsure. It is illogical really.

I do feel like I am in decent company however. We can read stories of disciples and missionaries who started their journey's with much fear. 

I read a few weeks ago this quote: "You aren't afraid of the dark; you are afraid of what's in it. You're not afraid of heights; you are afraid of falling. You aren't afraid of the people around you; you're afraid of rejection. You're not afraid of love; your afraid of loving and not being loved in return. You're not afraid to try again; you're afraid of getting hurt again the same way." I am tired of what I am afraid of no matter what it really is.

But how do I do this? I believe the answer lies in 1 John 4:18... my fears can only be conquered by perfect love. Perfect love is not anything of my human understanding. Ten verses earlier in 1 John 4:8 says that God is love. God is the only cure for chronic fear. I must trust...

Overlooking Christ

I was thinking this morning about Jesus' discourse in Matthew 25.

 ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ ³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
⁴¹ “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴² For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, ⁴³ I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
⁴⁴ “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
⁴⁵ “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ 

How often have I overlooked the hungry, thirsty, stranger, naked, sick or imprisoned? How often have I been so wrapped up in my own stuff that I couldn't notice the hurt in those around me? Am I blind to the world around me because my world is too dark, complicated or unsure? The "least of these" could be anywhere and everywhere.

We live in an increasingly individualistic society. As a millennial, my experiences are rooted in post-modernity. The millennial generation is often called the "me generation and not the we generation." I have to flip my cultural and generational idea of what is important. Kingdom thinking will always put we above me. Jesus' words urge us to serve who the world deems unworthy. In this world of instant gratification, it is counter-intuitive to help someone who cannot offer us anything immediately. True love of God and of man doesn't want anything in return. How do I overcome my own selfishness and serve the world around me? How do I open my eyes and my heart to what is really happening?

July 27

Three years ago today I resigned from my first (and only) Senior Pastorate. One year ago I left my first (and only) Associate Pastorate role. Both of these were life changing events. Not just leaving but also being there... Being a pastor was tough. I have more respect for the office of pastor than I ever thought I would.

Leaving the ministry has made me question many things, even the basic tenants of faith. One question I come back to quite frequently is "How could I have been so wrong about my calling?" I was sure I was called into full-time ministry in the United Methodist Church. I also often work myself around to the question "How do I remain faithful to the call of all Christians outside of my perceived calling?" Theologically I believe that all Christians are called to the work and ministry of Christ, but I do not know how to do that outside of what I believed would be my lifetime vocation. Don't get me wrong, I believe that leaving the ministry was the right choice and I would not change that at all. However, I am now faced with a unique set of questions and challenges in regards to what I do for a living and what I do with my education (and possibly even my passion- at one point it was). I love working for the high school. I enjoy being with the kids. I have never had a job that I looked forward to going to as much as this one, but every so often I feel an odd desire start to grow with in me... I want to preach. No, I don't want to be a pastor or even a preacher (yes, there is a big difference). There is nothing as exhilarating as preaching though. How do I work this all out? There is no answer yet. Only time will tell.

So today I will be thinking about the congregations that I was privileged to serve. I will try to see the good instead of the bad. I will try not to question too much. I will try to avoid the "what ifs."  

Is Being Sad a Sin?

I am sad. A lot. I have had well meaning Christians tell me that being sad all the time is a sin. They also say being sad is being ungrateful. I can't always help that I am sad. I think it is sometimes the only response I know how to have. So is being sad a sin? 

I don't think that it is. I hope that it is not. Trusting that Michele is correct and I won't be sad forever. Trusting scripture is right that God will turn my mourning into dancing... I am ready God let the music start.

Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things for me to do. I do not like change. It is scary and uncomfortable.

We have all heard the phrase "People are in your life for a reason, season or lifetime." However true this may or may not be, I will not address. Often times it seems like that season ends much faster than I would like. Tonight I will say goodbye to someone who has changed my life monumentally in the past nine months. She is moving to St. Louis. I am sad and kind of mad. I don't understand why God would put our paths together for such a short time. I don't feel like the reason we met has been resolved, but obviously her season is changing. It brings me back to Ecclesiastes again... there is a time and a season for everything. I wish my emotions could get in line with that.

I am having a hard time ending things well. I do not know how to say thank you to Michele for all she has done. How do I not waste our last few minutes together by being upset? How do I trust that God has a plan for this?

Wretched (Wo)man

I have been thinking about Romans a lot lately. Romans is one of my least favorite books of the Bible. I know, I know... People love Romans. People use the "Romans Road" to lead people to salvation. Romans is the basis for a lot of our beliefs about grace. However, I am still not a fan. In all reality it is probably grace that is the reason for my discomfort with this particular book.

I have been particularly thinking about Romans 7:24-25 for the past two or three days.^"Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin." In my mind I know the answers and what I am supposed to do, but the draw of the flesh is never far away. The draw of selfishness out weighs the law of Christ that is selflessness. Oh wretched (wo)man that I am! This statement is the conclusion to Paul's discourse on why he does the things that he does not want to but fails to do the things he wants to do. I often find myself right in the middle of Paul's struggle. I know what I want to be and do- Exhibit the fruits of the spirit. But all too often I am unloving instead of loving, grumpy instead of joyful, anxious instead of peaceful, short tempered instead of forbearing, mean instead of kind, bad instead of good, faithless instead of faithful, rough instead of gentle and apathetic/undisciplined instead of self-controlled. "Who will deliver me from this body of death?" Only He can.

How Do I Respond?

This was not my originally planned post for today. However, I do not believe in coincidences. So I feel like this is the writing meant for today. My friend, Dawn, emailed me this early this morning:

"Jesus Our Example

Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously - 1 Peter 2:23

When someone cuts you off in traffic, how do you respond? Do you yell harshly, gesture angrily, or perhaps even drive vengefully? This is not the way Jesus responded when he was crossed.

When he was wronged by others - even purposefully and spitefully - he did not scream or threaten or fume. When he was mocked and scourged and falsely accused before Pilot, he never retaliated with hateful words.

Can you honestly say that anyone has harmed you more than Jesus was abused before his death? Perhaps you feel betrayed by a close friend. So was he. Or maybe others have spread rumors about you. They did the same, and worse, to him. Perhaps you have even suffered physically, mentally, or emotionally at the hands of cruel people. So did he.

How was Jesus able to respond so graciously in the face of such horrible and unfair treatment? Peter gives us the secret: he committed himself to God, who judges righteously.

Jesus had complete faith in the justice of God. Do you? Can you trust God to right the wrongs that have been done to you, to punish those who have wronged you? To the extent that you nurse a personal vendetta, you can rest assured that you have not yet grasped, or embraced, the justice and wisdom of God."

As I read these questions, I had to face some pretty ugly facts. I get angry when I am cut off. I yell excessively (because obviously they can hear me). I cannot say that I have been more harmed than Christ. Betrayal hurts, yes, but not more than what He went through. Do I have complete faith in the justice of God? Simply, no, I don't. I have a hard time not blaming God for not stopping some the injustice in my life. I am angry with God for the things that have happened. I don't trust Him to punish those who have wronged me. I don't trust God to be everything that He says that he is. My prayer today is simply I believe Thou help my unbelief.

Silence

Sometimes the best thing I can do is to be quiet. Today is one of those days. It has taken me this long to say that... Today is one of those days that my mouth has and will only get me into trouble. And therefore I should just take the advice of James and be slow to speak.

Tomorrow however there will be a post not about why I shouldn't talk :)

Rejection

Luke 10:25-37

Do you know what I believe is the number one thing that plagues America today? It is not poverty, crime, drugs, abortion or any number of other things that may pop into our heads, but it is the sting of rejection. There are millions of Americans feeling unloved and unlovable because of repeated rejection.  Think back to the first time someone called you stupid or fat or ugly… that sting is still there in the pit of your stomach. Now imagine, feeling that way all the time. That is how millions of people are walking around ever single day.  Being rejected is hard. It proves that we cared about a person that hurt us.

When I was in middle school there was a large group of people with the WWJD bracelets. To someone who wasn’t going to church at the time these bracelets were no more than a fashion fad. WWJD? What would Jesus do? As bearers of the good news, isn’t that the question we should ask ourselves all the time? But in this instance and in most I believe the answer to what would Jesus do is love out loud. How we love one another whether members of the same religious affiliation, gender, sexual orientation or anything else says
volumes about how much we love God. Being rejected or betrayed by people of faith as a person of faith hurts the worst, I think. There is nothing like the betrayal of someone you trusted in Christ.

They we will know we are Christians by our love but in a recent discussion with a friend of mine something was said that is so true about how the world sees us and it is not our love. I asked Annalisa why she didn’t even want to come to church. Her response was, “Because Christians claim to be this army fighting for the
good side, but they are the only army I have ever seen that shoot their own wounded.” I sat there a little stunned and realized how true that statement is. We are lacking grace and love towards one another’s struggles. We answer with snide remarks to their pain. We throw scripture in their face instead of just walking with them in their time of need. And then we turn around and talk about them behind their back to other Christians using the phrase prayer request to curb our guilt for gossiping. We lie to promote our own agenda. We mislead to get our way. We accuse people of things to make ourselves look better.

God’s heart does indeed break with the things that break our hearts and the dejected hearts. He sees the tears of despair and the pain of rejection. And I would ask us are we willing to see those tears? God’s arms are reaching out with burning compassion, for us, and for them. Are our arms reaching out to hold someone who needs it?

1 Corinthians 13:13 says now these three things remain faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. When was the last time we thought love was the greatest thing. 1 Peter says above all love each other deeply
because love covers a multitude of sin. Love deeply. LOVE DEEPLY. I think that love is what will eventually stop rejection. When we truly love God and neighbor we will stop doing hurtful things. I recently had a really interesting interaction with some people that I honestly believed were on my side. However, I was misled. I felt very rejected and hurt. If they had truly loved me, they would not have treated me that way.

Fear

365 times in the Bible we can read the words do not fear, don't be afraid, or peace it is I...

365... do I think that it is any coincidence that we can be told every day of the year from a different passage not to be afraid? No, I think this is a well thought out plan. I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I need to be told every day not to be afraid. I need to be told not to be scared of life, of trusting God, of people, of lots of things.

I have a lot of fear in my life right now. The unknown is very scary. Fear lurks around every corner, every decision, every step...

I will be honest trusting God completely is scary. I am thankful that God has put it in his Word 365 "Do not fear..."

I thought I had more to say about this, but I feel like simplicity wins today... Do not fear...

Elusive Peace

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed"

Now I know that this verse seems counter-intuitive to peace. But I do not need to tell anyone that life is hard. A lot of our lives fit into one of the categories listed in 2 Corinthians we are pressed, perplexed, persecuted, struck down all the time in life here on earth.  But without great trails there would be no great victories. However, that does not mean we are without peace in the process of the hard times. Finding that peace is what I struggle with though. I know that there is peace but my life is filled with things that don't feel peaceful.


Christ give peace and rest to all who come to him in faith. Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says, “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Sometimes I feel like I cannot lay my burden down and I cannot take on the yoke of Christ out of fear.

Isaiah 53:5 tells us that “the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by is wounds we are healed.” Jesus was punished for our sins so we could have peace. We should never fret about any wound or illness because by his wounds we are healed. That doesn’t always mean earthly healing, but we will be made whole by his wounds. Rest assured in that. “The message God sent to the people of Israel announced the good news of peace through Jesus Christ” is what Acts 10:36 tells us. The message of God is one of peace, but that peace is dependent on a relationship through Jesus Christ, but now I am getting ahead of myself.

Humble trust in the Lord gives us peace. Psalm 4:8 says, “I will lie down and sleep, for you  alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” I am as guilty as the next about losing sleep because of worry and lack of peace, but God alone will make us dwell in safety. Rest and sleep in his arms.

We as sons and daughters of God should expect the peace of God to be a part of our lives. The Lord intends for us to have peace. God promises peace to his people in Psalm 85:8, “I will listen to what God the Lord will say: he promises peace to all his people.” This promise of peace only comes with one condition and that condition is to trust in God. Isaiah 26 3-4 tells us that God gives peace to those whose minds are fixed on him, “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the Rock eternal.” What a promise! That is incredible the Lord is the Rock eternal now and forevermore. Why shouldn’t we have peace?


Submission to the Spirit leads to peace. Romans 8:6 reminds us that the mind controlled by the Spirit is a life and peace. Isn’t that what Christ came to give us? Life and life more abundantly. Life more abundantly is living in peace. 2 Thessalonians 3:16 says, “Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.” God is the Lord of peace and he wants us to have it at all times in every way possible. God himself gives peace as it says in Ephesians 6:23, “Peace be to the brothers (that is in Christ) and love with faith from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ."

How many people waste away their lives being anxious and worried? I am frequently anxious and I am guilty of being a worrier—and nervous worry at times even. But Philippians 4:6-7 says, “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” When I feel worried I look to this, and John 14:27 where Jesus says, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” Does this always help me? No, honestly I cannot wrap my mind or life around peace. I have never consistently had peace in my life. I find peace to be extremely elusive. I believe it is what I am supposed to have, but I have not found a way to make it a permanent reality in my life.

But what verse do I take the most comfort in and gain peace from? “And it came to pass” which is found over 450 times in the King James Version. Nothing is here to stay. No trial, no victory… it will all come to pass. But God is steady, everything will pass in His time. No matter how bad things get, they too will pass.

Horatio Spafford wrote the words to It is Well, while on a ship across the Atlantic. Spafford had lost all material possessions he had in the Great Chicago fire, and he was headed back to England to meet up with his wife who had gone back to England several months earlier. He penned the words to this hymn of faith while passing over the place where his four daughters were lost in a shipwreck just months earlier. He says that as he passed over the solemn place the first thoughts were of his wife’s words to him in the telegram that told him of the shipwreck, “Survived alone.” was all it said. Then the next thought was, it is well. Talk about understanding the peace of God. He knew beyond a doubt that whatever happened it would be well with his soul. In a time and a place where he had nothing of earthly value to speak of, Horatio Spafford wrote with confidence that it was indeed well with his soul.

Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything, but figuring out the time isn't always easy. I am trying to figure out the time for a lot of these things on this list. What needs to be torn down? What do I need to build? When can I laugh? When do I mourn? What time is it?

Hard Lessons Part 2

As promised, today I will write about the final lesson I have had to learn the hard way. That lesson, which has been the hardest, is follow. This is the value of learning and trusting.

When Jesus first called the disciples, he did not ask them to write about him. He didn't ask them to study or to preach (well at least not in the beginning). His initial calling was simply to come and follow. I have a difficult time with the following. I consider myself to be fairly intelligent and should be able to lead myself... however, the call is the same to me as it was the original disciples: follow. In learning to follow Christ, I have also learned that more often than not He puts people in our lives that we should be following as well. People with a great deal of wisdom and care. Individuals who love God and love us. It is hard to trust and follow the advice of people. And I wouldn't recommend doing it lightly or with every person that you meet. However, I am a firm believer that God intentionally puts people in our lives that are there to mentor us and help us follow Him. 

Back to the topic (sorry for the rabbit trail). "The response of the disciples is an act of obedience, not a confession of faith in Jesus [as the Messiah]" -Dietrich Bonhoeffer. When Jesus calls the disciples, none of them profess faith that he is indeed the Messiah. Not one of them proclaims that he is the Christ. All of them do what was asked of them- they follow.

Is the call to me much different today? Not really. Yes, of course, I must repent of my sins and accept Christ as Lord. However, I do not believe this is the call set forth by Christ himself, primarily. To answer the call of Jesus is to lay down my life and follow him. It is to follow his heart to the least of these (Matthew 25:35-46). It is to follow what he started and to go to all nations (Matthew 28:18-20). It is to just follow (Mark 2:14). It is to abide in him (John 16:31-32).

I am forced to repeatedly ask myself one question. Can I answer this call to follow?

Hard Lessons Part 1

The Hardest Lessons I have had to Learn: Sit Down, Shut-Up, Hold On, and Follow

Sit Down: the value of being present

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
9 Two are better than one,
       because they have a good return for their work:
 10 If one falls down,
       his friend can help him up.
       But pity the man who falls
       and has no one to help him up!
 11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
       But how can one keep warm alone?
 12 Though one may be overpowered,
       two can defend themselves.
       A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

People sometimes gives me a hard time for being ADD. That is one thing that I have had to keep in check. I have often found myself ready to leave and life asks me where I am going. My point and my bottom line is that there is nothing more rewarding and fulfilling than being present with where you are.

I am sure we can all think back to a point in our lives where things just were not going well. Now think about who was there with you… that person understood the value of being present. They sat down with you. The people that you sit with because your love for God and them is so much greater than your love for anything else will always remember the difference you made.

Shut-Up: the value of listening and not talking

James 1:19-20
 19My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

Being quiet is not one of my strong suits unless I am at a party where I do not know very many people or in the doctor’s office. My mouth gets my behind in more trouble than anything else does. I just always think that I have something brilliant to say that cannot be kept in. The problem is that brilliant thing usually is not worth saying.

In times of anger, I have been known to blurt out many hurtful things. Word darts that could take anyone down were often aimed straight at the hearts of loved ones. Right before Thanksgiving, I was challenged not to talk when I was upset or angry with any member of my family. I was also challenged to really listen to what they were saying out of their own anger. Let me tell you that Thanksgiving weekend was a difficult and eye opening event in my world.

Hearing the words that were actually being spoken, instead of thinking of a response, was crazy. I have heard the phrase that broken people do broken things often, but this experiment proves that. My desired responses proved that I too am broken, but keeping my mouth shut and telling God how I felt made a world of difference.

I cannot tell you how big of a difference there is in communication when I listen completely to what the person is saying, and their body language. Then wait to for a response that is appropriate to what they are saying and what their body language is conveying. Shutting up is not always easy but it is better than shutting down our spiritual and operating in the natural. Naturally, we speak, and get angry but in the spirit, we can listen and stay calm.

Hold On: the value of staying even when it is hard

1 Timothy say, "Fight the good fight of faith." I do not know when a fight is ever easy.

Psychologists say that we all have a fight or flight response to adversity. Well, I respond by flight. I used to flee whenever things got hard or uncomfortable. I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to run away from the process and the pain. But staying when it is hard accomplishes way more than running.

Tomorrow one last hard lesson: Follow

Life's Not Fair part 2

I think the root of "that's not fair" statements comes from jealousy. I could be wrong overall, but when I think about my own reasons for declaring injustice against me, it almost always comes from jealousy. It is no surprise to me that envy is one of the seven deadly sins. Envy (or jealous) eats at the soul. It makes us look at others and miss our own blessings.

What am I jealous of? People who have more health than sickness. Women my age popping out babies all the time. People my age living on their own, with good jobs, and money... What do these thoughts do for me? They take away my gratitude for having breath and a beating heart. They rob me of the wonder of life. They and make me miss the fact that I do have a place to live, and have never truly wanted for any of the basic things in life. God has always provided more than I needed and jealousy throws that all in His face with a slap of dissatisfaction and absolutely no gratitude. Do I want to be well? Of course, I do. But not at the expense of the health of my heart and soul. Do I want children? Of course, I do. However, there are many more ways to be a mother than having a child naturally. Isaiah 51:4- "'Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married,' says the LORD." There is a spiritual heritage out there for me, and I chose to believe that instead of living in jealousy. I also chose to enjoy the children I am blessed to be around: at school, in the community, and especially my little nephew Bennett. All in good time I will have a place of my own, a job that I love and enough money to pay off my education. Until then I will try not to be jealous, because I don't want it corroding my soul more than it already has.

I was reminded this morning, by my good friend Dawn, that perhaps we really don't want God to be fair. If God were indeed fair, as we understand the word, we would all be destined for death. It wasn't fair for Christ to have to suffer and die for our sins, but he did it anyway. She is right; in that view of things I absolutely do not want things to be fair. Perhaps the things that I perceive as unfair are working a greater purpose. Mostly I believe that I need to working on gratitude. I have a lot to be thankful for and every time I begin to be jealous or complain my gratitude gets smaller and smaller.  

Life's Not Fair

We have all said it, "That's not fair!" Three very simple little words that sum up our experience of what we perceive as injustice. Somebody always has to add the second part of the statement, "Whoever said life was going to be fair?"

I was thinking about this last night. I have probably said "Its not fair" or  "That's not fair!" thousands of times in my life. But who hasn't? Then two things struck me: 1. The life of Job and 2. John 16:33.

Job was a righteous man that had everything taken from him. His friends told him to curse God and die. His life was not fair. Job argued with God. He simply wanted answers because conventional wisdom said that his suffering was just punishment for his sins. But he knew he was innocent. He wanted to talk to God face to face rather than accept what people said he knew to be untrue. Although God did not pronounce him exactly innocent, Job was transformed by the encounter. Perhaps everything I deem as unfair is God providing an experience that will transform me.

John 16:33- "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart I have overcome the world." Fair or unfair, Jesus has overcome all that we go through on this ball of dirt. I hope that the next time that I feel like complaining about something being unfair, I take a step back and rest in the Truth- take heart!

Academic

In a perfect world being able to approach all things of a spiritual nature from an academic standpoint would be productive. Unfortunately, most of the things I need most in my life must make the trip from my head to my heart. My Old Testament Professor, Dr. Wilber Williams, told us nearly every day, "Never forget that the journey from you head to your heart is vital and painful. Make it happen anyway."

It is too bad that correct theology, proficient exegesis, a working knowledge of the arguments for the existence of God, and a grasp of church history cannot save. Only One can save. I love studying theology, the Bible, church history and philosophy. I do not love trying to make these things heart things instead of head things. I have to constantly remind myself what Dallas Willard said, "The Bible is God's gift to the world through his Church, not to the scholars. It comes through the life of his people and nourishes that life. Its purpose is practical, not academic." This serves as a reminder; however, it is not that simple. My brain trumps my heart in almost all inner struggles.

Jesus did not come for my intellect to try to reason him out. Jesus came to save me from myself... even my brain. This does not mean that I have to neglect my academic pursuits. It does mean that I need to stop neglecting my heart. I need to let my knowledge inform and guide my heart to true revelation of all Christ has offered.

Journey's End

The journey towards freedom and away from my past has been difficult and is still full of twists, turns and bumps. There are often steps backwards and moments of wanting to throw in the towel. It doesn't seem fair that it is difficult to get whole and healthy. I would like to know when there would be smooth sailing. But Bonhoeffer knew the truth about the journey, "Only Jesus Christ, who bids us follow him, knows the journey's end. But we do know that it will be a road of boundless mercy."

Here's hoping that today's chunk of the road has boundless mercy.

Fool's Folly

"As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his [or her] folly." Proverbs 26:11

The word fool would really be best translated as idiot. The word "raca" was not something you wanted to be called. Being called a fool was an extremely shameful title.

Don't we all feel the shame of repeated sin or folly? I know I do. Yesterday, shortly after writing the blog about submission, I returned to my folly. I submitted to temptation not grace. I gave into old, familiar, hurtful wrong behavior. I could have chosen a different path, but in the moment of decision I didn't care about a better path. In that moment, I cared only about right then and right there. Sure I can justify my behavior. I can say that it didn't hurt anyone. But the truth is even though I was alone and wouldn't have even had to tell another person about it, it did hurt others. I can say that God understands and it is okay. Truthfully, God does understand but it is not okay. Sure, He will forgive me and offer grace. However, as Paul taught us I should not sin more to earn more grace.

How do I keep from repeating my folly? Simply it goes back to submission. 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." If I could figure out how to submit, perhaps temptation wouldn't seem so tempting. God's promises never fail and they are always present to the believer. He promises to be faithful and not allow me (or us) to be tempted beyond what I (or we) are able to withstand. The catch is I (or we) have to be submitting to the rule and reign of the Holy Spirit in my (our) lives.

Jesus told the woman caught in adultery to "go and sin no more." He repeats that invitation to us all at the foot of the cross... "Meg, go and sin no more." To which I must say "I believe in your grace thou help my unbelief."

Struggle of Surrender

I have been journaling and thinking about surrender for months. Almost every week at church, I feel the struggle between my mind and my heart. My heart wants to surrender to Christ fully. My head thinks it is a terrible idea.

My heart continually breaks over my own inadequacies, sins and hurts. There is a part of me that is angry with God for not exercising his omnipotence and benevolence in ways that make more sense. My intellect is demanding answers. My heart knows that there are not answers for all of my questions.

A part of me knows that if I just surrender things will change. Surrender, however, seems quite impossible most of the time. To relinquish control is terrifying. To admit that I do not have and cannot find the answers on my own feels week. Surrender acknowledges that I am not enough on my own-- it says I need Him.

I can concede to an extent. I do NEED Him. I depend on Him to keep me breathing, to keep my heart beating. How do I surrender my pain to him? my anger? my brokenness? How do I become dependent on Him for life abundantly?

I know that God is deliberately drawing me to Himself, but I don't know how to let down that wall again. When will I figure out how to let it go and just hand it to Him. I have a lot of really important knowledge about God and theology. Unfortunately, that does not make this particular struggle easier. It doesn't help because I cannot argue my way out of it. I am afraid to surrender because I do not trust God to be all that He promises that He is.

Faith vs. Counseling

"Faith and counseling aren’t at odds with one another. Spiritual growth and emotional health are both part of God’s desire for us. Counseling—like time with a mentor, personal scriptural study, a small group experience and outside reading—can help you grow, and can help you connect more deeply with God." -Relevant Magazine

All too often people of faith (good meaning individuals) tell people who are struggling to pray about it or to seek out the help of the pastor. As a former pastor, I can tell you that pastors have very limited training in counseling (especially when there are deep problems). Pastors are basically trained in premarital and marital counseling. This is a very small window of "expertise." I am not saying that prayer and the guidance of a pastor are bad; I am, however, saying that there is a legitimate need for good counseling for many parishioners.

I believe that God wants us to be healthy and whole. I also believe that he has uniquely gifted individuals that can help people get on the path to wholeness. I would never recommend Christian counseling, but I do feel like having and counselor who is a Christian is imperative. Proverbs 12:15 states that a wise man (or woman) seeks counsel. When seeking counsel you must seriously consider the problem. If the problem is medical, seek a doctor. If the problem is spiritual, seek a pastor. But when the problem is emotional or mental, seek a counselor.

I have sought out counseling. I am tired of the stigma and shame of being a Christian who needs help. Michele, my therapist, is one of the biggest tools God has used in my life. Faith and counseling are not mutually exclusive. They work together. When I started therapy with Michele, I "knew" I would never go back to church. I was questioning everything about my faith. We have had to (and still are) dealing with many tough things, but she has helped me tremendously in working out some of the kinks in my faith.

The next time someone tries to talk you out of seeking a trained individual for help I would urge you to ignore that advice. Getting yourself healthy, happy and whole is much more important than what people think of you.

What is a Wayfarer?

What is a wayfarer? A wayfarer is a traveler, especially one on foot. I am a traveler on a journey. This blog is a specific journey. I will be writing every day for at least 365 days about things of a spiritual nature. I hope that I am traveling towards the heart of Christ, that is the goal.

My history is chalked with things of a religious nature. I have an undergraduate degree in Religion. I have been a Master of Divinity student. I have even served as a Pastor. However, in the midst of life and struggles I lost what it truly means to love God. Unfortunately, my descent away from Christ started while I was serving a church. Religion and falsely pious parishioners and STAFF left me with a bad taste in my mouth. My skeptical nature began to roar. I walked away. Last fall I swore off institutional religion, but God knows better... I was invited to a nondenominational church. I went. The journey back to Christ was under way.

This is, of course, completely over simplified. There have been many fights with in myself and with others about all of this. There have been many conversations with my therapist and with my friends. Crying has become a normal part of every worship service. I know very little for certain, but I know this Christ has pursued me so I will pursue him.