Faith and Medicine

I take one of my medications in rounds. I know every time that the next round starts I will feel pretty bad for a few days... I swallow a horse pill of poison trying to make myself well. Last night, when I took my pill I wondered if I had too much faith in medicine instead of taking medicine even though I have faith in God. As I though about it, the answer was clear. I somehow have gotten to the point where the pills represent good counts, better kidney function and a promise to be returned to full health.  In reality it doesn't necessarily mean any of that. My faith in the Healer, the Great Physician are greatly lacking. We are quickly approaching the two year anniversary of my first hospital stay for this illness. I was in Parkview during that first stay for six days. I missed my sister getting her PhD. I missed a funeral of someone I loved... and in the intervening two years, more hospital stays and feeling gross I have missed a lot. But that is not my point right now, so rant over about that. Some how in this process of illness all of my faith in God to heal has been moved to faith in man and medicine. I can't even remember the last time I prayed about something not feeling right before seeking out the counsel of one of my doctors. There is a part of me who, falsely, believed that I could fix this through the earthly wisdom of doctors. Medicine or no medicine, better or not better is all in His hands. Sometimes healing doesn't mean getting well here on earth. Sometimes it means surrendering and living out all of your days whether it is one day or ten thousand days. It is hard no to want to control everything, but there is no way to control my health-- the past two years have proved that. The only thing I can control from here on out is whether or not I will trust God and surrender my health and all that entails (including my very life) to Him.