Thursday, February 28, 2013
On My Mind
Do you ever just have someone on your mind? and on your heart? I can't shake a person today. I have prayed multiple times for her and I just can't help but feel heavy hearted as she crosses my mind yet again. I am so thankful for Godly friends and that I can lift all of my friends to the throne without even knowing about their day or anything. I am glad that God cares about things that I care about.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Being Still
Scripture encourages us to "Be still and know that I am God." Being still in this world of busyness, hustle and bustle is tough. It is hard to be still for even 5 minutes. It is hard to quiet ourselves to hear God's voice in the midst of everything going on.
If I were to be still today, I would probably ask myself who are You (God) to me right now, right here? This is a loaded question; and how I would answer it speaks volumes to where I am at in my walk with God. I challenges all of us to reflect on who God truly is.
If I were to be still today, I would probably ask myself who are You (God) to me right now, right here? This is a loaded question; and how I would answer it speaks volumes to where I am at in my walk with God. I challenges all of us to reflect on who God truly is.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Deepest Hurt
I was reading a devotional last night (I am trying to go through a Lenten devotional but I am not good at doing it everyday...) and one of the questions posed at the end of the reading was "What is your deepest hurt?" Well, like any normal person several things came to my mind. However, my very defensive personality began to rear it's ugly head. Questions like "Why is that any of this dumb devotional's business?" and "What difference does it make?" began to push through the thoughts of hurt.
This defensive tactic made me think of something that was said to me many years ago. I was in college when someone had the audacity to say to me, "Anger is a secondary emotion; it is always rooted in something else, usually hurt." I did not like that statement then and, surprisingly enough, I do not like it now. Why can't anger be the primary emotion? Why do we have to have hurt to have anger? Why do my deepest hurts cause anger? How do I let go of both the hurt and the anger?
Back to the original question: What is your deepest hurt? I do not enjoy the question. I think it is yucky. It is thought provoking, emotion provoking and just plain hard to look at. It made me think of a sermon that I gave at Wheatland Avenue three or four years ago. I said something profound (which was only of God because I did not truly know it then nor have I truly begun to understand it even yet), "It is in the midst of our deepest hurt and deepest need Christ shows up... to Thomas he gives belief in place of doubt, to Mary he gives life instead of death, to the disciples on the road to Emmaus he gives vision instead of confusion, and to you and I he gives hope in the place of despair and hurt." Now I believe that that was true when I said it and it is still true now, but how do I actualize it? How can it become reality in my life?
These questions beg another: If the incarnate Christ were to physically manifest himself in my life right now, what would he touch first? The disciples did not specifically ask for clarity; Thomas did not ask for belief. Jesus knew what the needed and met there deepest need with his a single touch. He is aware of my (and your) deepest hurts and needs even more than I am (you are). So what would he want to do with someone like me?
This defensive tactic made me think of something that was said to me many years ago. I was in college when someone had the audacity to say to me, "Anger is a secondary emotion; it is always rooted in something else, usually hurt." I did not like that statement then and, surprisingly enough, I do not like it now. Why can't anger be the primary emotion? Why do we have to have hurt to have anger? Why do my deepest hurts cause anger? How do I let go of both the hurt and the anger?
Back to the original question: What is your deepest hurt? I do not enjoy the question. I think it is yucky. It is thought provoking, emotion provoking and just plain hard to look at. It made me think of a sermon that I gave at Wheatland Avenue three or four years ago. I said something profound (which was only of God because I did not truly know it then nor have I truly begun to understand it even yet), "It is in the midst of our deepest hurt and deepest need Christ shows up... to Thomas he gives belief in place of doubt, to Mary he gives life instead of death, to the disciples on the road to Emmaus he gives vision instead of confusion, and to you and I he gives hope in the place of despair and hurt." Now I believe that that was true when I said it and it is still true now, but how do I actualize it? How can it become reality in my life?
These questions beg another: If the incarnate Christ were to physically manifest himself in my life right now, what would he touch first? The disciples did not specifically ask for clarity; Thomas did not ask for belief. Jesus knew what the needed and met there deepest need with his a single touch. He is aware of my (and your) deepest hurts and needs even more than I am (you are). So what would he want to do with someone like me?
Sunday, February 24, 2013
I am a Mess
This morning I was getting ready for church and I needed to take some medicine. I wasn't hungry, so I took it on an empty stomach. BIG mistake! Now I am home and have missed church. I am a mess. I needed to worship and I needed to see my friends. I have deep sadness. I am also frustrated by my own stupidity. I hope everyone else has a better Sunday than mine has started out.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Every Person
I don't typically write on Saturdays, but since I have been in bed with bronchitis for two days, I have plenty to say.
I have heard (and read) that every person comes into your life for a reason. I am more than a little bit skeptical about this train of thought. Are people who only hurt you in your life for a reason? Are people who annoy you to know end in your life for a reason? I believe that we can offer Christ to each person we meet and that is a reason. Other than that I believe that there are people who just are in our lives by happenstance and we are better off putting space between us and them.
I have heard (and read) that every person comes into your life for a reason. I am more than a little bit skeptical about this train of thought. Are people who only hurt you in your life for a reason? Are people who annoy you to know end in your life for a reason? I believe that we can offer Christ to each person we meet and that is a reason. Other than that I believe that there are people who just are in our lives by happenstance and we are better off putting space between us and them.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Day Off
Today I am incredibly thankful for Snow Days. I was going to have to take a sick day, but instead weather gave me the day off. I am going to nap on and off and watch movies all day. It sounds nearly perfect!
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Enemy Territory
Do you ever feel like your whole life is living behind enemy lines? And that there are bullets flying from every direction? And you can't get out of the way? That is where I am at right now.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
The Daily Grind
Today, it is back to work and the stress of "real life." And I find myself pondering the questions: how do I push through the daily grind? How do I set aside the emotions that I still clearly feel from this weekend and do my job? How do I remain steadfast in taking steps towards wholeness and freedom without getting caught up in the daily stress of life?
The only things I can combat these questions with right now are: Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." I cannot let the world determine how I feel or how I act. I must renew my mind constantly to stay in line with what God is doing in me. John 15:19 "If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." John 10:10, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." There is a real enemy who is doing everything in his power to steal, kill and destroy me, but Christ came so that I may have life and have it abundantly!
The only things I can combat these questions with right now are: Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." I cannot let the world determine how I feel or how I act. I must renew my mind constantly to stay in line with what God is doing in me. John 15:19 "If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you." John 10:10, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." There is a real enemy who is doing everything in his power to steal, kill and destroy me, but Christ came so that I may have life and have it abundantly!
Monday, February 18, 2013
Beauty in the Midst of Brokenness
Wow... it has been longer since I have written on here than ever before. To my faithful readers, I am sorry. I was on a retreat Friday, Saturday and Sunday and just didn't want to fuss with this.
I am broken. My brokenness is profound and it is ugly. Saturday night Kathryn Parker, our speaker for the weekend, challenged me (and all of us) to start letting go of the hurts of our past by forgiving those who have hurt us. This message has been coming to me from many angles for about five weeks or so. It was extremely difficult to listen to her talk about forgiveness and feel like she was talking directly to me. Amy was sitting next to me and was very aware of my inner struggle; she kept reassuring me that it would be okay. I did not think Amy or Kathryn was really right. Okay, I knew intellectually that they were both correct; however, my heart was ripping apart. As Kathryn listed things that need to be forgiven, my inner pain was so palpable it was hard to breathe.
Time seemed to stand still as Kathryn kept talking about this word that is so hard. Then for a brief second it was just her and I in the room as she stated assuredly, "You don't have to know how to forgive-- you just have to be willing." I honestly don't know how to forgive and it has been one of the major barriers to true forgiveness. She then followed those words with, "When we don't forgive we are imprisoned in our own pain." I do not like who I am with unforgiveness in me. I do not like my pain or my brokenness.
Time slowly crept on and it was time to sing and respond. I did NOT want to respond to this particular message. Nonetheless, I found myself standing in front of Kathryn to be anointed that the healing work of forgiveness would begin in my own life. At this point, my brokenness was extremely evident as I wept. My brokenness was ugly in sobs of years of bottled up pain and I fell to my knees at the altar and cried bitter tears. But here is the beauty of that horrifically broken moment... soon I felt Amy on my left and could hear her praying, Katie on my right holding on and reassuring, Lori behind me praying and Michelle behind me praising God for a breakthrough. There may have been others, and I am sorry if I am missing someone, but in that moment my shear, utter brokenness brought the five of us (that I know of) to the foot of the cross together. In that moment, I did not have to bear my brokenness, my hurt, my grief, my sorrow alone... we were sharing it and something broke loose. I will not be the same. Do I have forgiveness figured out? Absolutely not!!! But I am one step closer to freedom.
I am broken. My brokenness is profound and it is ugly. Saturday night Kathryn Parker, our speaker for the weekend, challenged me (and all of us) to start letting go of the hurts of our past by forgiving those who have hurt us. This message has been coming to me from many angles for about five weeks or so. It was extremely difficult to listen to her talk about forgiveness and feel like she was talking directly to me. Amy was sitting next to me and was very aware of my inner struggle; she kept reassuring me that it would be okay. I did not think Amy or Kathryn was really right. Okay, I knew intellectually that they were both correct; however, my heart was ripping apart. As Kathryn listed things that need to be forgiven, my inner pain was so palpable it was hard to breathe.
Time seemed to stand still as Kathryn kept talking about this word that is so hard. Then for a brief second it was just her and I in the room as she stated assuredly, "You don't have to know how to forgive-- you just have to be willing." I honestly don't know how to forgive and it has been one of the major barriers to true forgiveness. She then followed those words with, "When we don't forgive we are imprisoned in our own pain." I do not like who I am with unforgiveness in me. I do not like my pain or my brokenness.
Time slowly crept on and it was time to sing and respond. I did NOT want to respond to this particular message. Nonetheless, I found myself standing in front of Kathryn to be anointed that the healing work of forgiveness would begin in my own life. At this point, my brokenness was extremely evident as I wept. My brokenness was ugly in sobs of years of bottled up pain and I fell to my knees at the altar and cried bitter tears. But here is the beauty of that horrifically broken moment... soon I felt Amy on my left and could hear her praying, Katie on my right holding on and reassuring, Lori behind me praying and Michelle behind me praising God for a breakthrough. There may have been others, and I am sorry if I am missing someone, but in that moment my shear, utter brokenness brought the five of us (that I know of) to the foot of the cross together. In that moment, I did not have to bear my brokenness, my hurt, my grief, my sorrow alone... we were sharing it and something broke loose. I will not be the same. Do I have forgiveness figured out? Absolutely not!!! But I am one step closer to freedom.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Monday
I have the weirdest brain... I was thinking about Lent and I wondered if Monday feels left out. I mean we have Fat Tuesday, Ash Wednesday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Black Saturday and Easter Sunday. Does Monday feel like they are getting the short end of the stick? Just how my brain works...
Monday, February 11, 2013
Beyond Repair
What would happen if you took a picture window to the top of the Sears Tower and pitched it off? It would undoubtedly shatter. It would break into such tiny pieces that there would be no hope of finding them all, let alone putting it back together with superglue. There would be slivers and shards that would never be found, but blown away by a gust of wind. I can't even imagine anyone wanting to attempt putting it back together. There is the risk of being cut or hurt and then, of course, the frustration of not finding all the pieces... This is how I feel about my inner self--- too broken to find all the missing pieces and no hope of putting them all back together again.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Challenge
Sometimes in life God puts people in our midst to help us grow, to challenge us to become better people... to say things that hurt or interrupt our ways of thinking. I have several of those people in my life right now. I am being pushed in ways I never saw coming. I am being challenged by grace and love...
Thursday, February 7, 2013
God Feels Far
Last night at Bible Study the question was asked about God being near and what keeps us from believing that. I responded because He feels so far away. Amy and I talked about it afterward and then Michelle joined the conversation. They both believe that God feels far away because I have ran. Well, I have turned back towards him... I believed that He would make up the distance. I believed that "if I drew near to God he would draw near to me" (James 4). I even brought up the song "When God Ran." Well, God feels far away. Grace feels hard to accept. Anger and frustration feel very close to the surface...
When God Ran
[Verse 1:]
Almighty God, The Great I Am,
Immovable Rock, Omnipotent, Powerful,
Awesome Lord.
Victorious Warrior, Commanding King of Kings,
Mighty Conqueror and the only time,
The only time I ever saw him run,
Was when...
[Chorus:]
He ran to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to His chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice He said
"Son, do you know I still love You?"
He caught me By surprise, When God ran...
[Verse 2:]
The day I left home,
I knew I'd broken His heart.
And I wondered then, if things could ever be the same.
Then one night,
I remembered His love for me.
And down that dusty road, ahead I could see,
It was the only time,
It was the only time I ever saw Him run.
And then...
[Repeat Chorus]
He caught me by surprise.
And He brought me to my knees.
When God ran... I saw Him run to me.
[Bridge:]
I was so ashamed, all alone, and so far away.
But now I know, that He's been waiting for this day...
I saw Him run to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
I felt his love for me again.
He ran to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
He said "Son"
He called me Son.
He said "Son, do you know I still love You?"
He ran to me (When God Ran)
(I saw Him run to me)
And then I ran to Him
(When God ran)
When God ran
When God Ran
[Verse 1:]
Almighty God, The Great I Am,
Immovable Rock, Omnipotent, Powerful,
Awesome Lord.
Victorious Warrior, Commanding King of Kings,
Mighty Conqueror and the only time,
The only time I ever saw him run,
Was when...
[Chorus:]
He ran to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to His chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice He said
"Son, do you know I still love You?"
He caught me By surprise, When God ran...
[Verse 2:]
The day I left home,
I knew I'd broken His heart.
And I wondered then, if things could ever be the same.
Then one night,
I remembered His love for me.
And down that dusty road, ahead I could see,
It was the only time,
It was the only time I ever saw Him run.
And then...
[Repeat Chorus]
He caught me by surprise.
And He brought me to my knees.
When God ran... I saw Him run to me.
[Bridge:]
I was so ashamed, all alone, and so far away.
But now I know, that He's been waiting for this day...
I saw Him run to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
I felt his love for me again.
He ran to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face,
Wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
He said "Son"
He called me Son.
He said "Son, do you know I still love You?"
He ran to me (When God Ran)
(I saw Him run to me)
And then I ran to Him
(When God ran)
When God ran
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Confessions of a Wayfarer
Here are some confessions for the general public:
1. I do not have it all together; in fact, I am a hot mess.
2. I struggle with the basic tenants of Christianity regularly.
3. I want to give up on something/someone at least once a day.
4. If God didn't continually pursue me, I would have been done with this whole religion thing years ago.
5. I blog because it is how I process what God is trying to do in me, through me, and sometimes to me.
6. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be on this earth.
1. I do not have it all together; in fact, I am a hot mess.
2. I struggle with the basic tenants of Christianity regularly.
3. I want to give up on something/someone at least once a day.
4. If God didn't continually pursue me, I would have been done with this whole religion thing years ago.
5. I blog because it is how I process what God is trying to do in me, through me, and sometimes to me.
6. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be on this earth.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Voices
There are voices all around us. The voice of the past reminding us of our missteps and sin. Voices pointing out our inadequacies, telling us that we will never be good enough. Voices telling us how broken, helpless, unlovable and unworthy we are....
But somewhere in the midst of all those voices there is a still small voice, calling our names. Calling out to us to come up higher and leave this world behind. Calling us to run after Him and find life to be beautiful.
These voices are in constant competition for our attention. And, unfortunately, the negative voices are louder, even if they are not true.
But somewhere in the midst of all those voices there is a still small voice, calling our names. Calling out to us to come up higher and leave this world behind. Calling us to run after Him and find life to be beautiful.
These voices are in constant competition for our attention. And, unfortunately, the negative voices are louder, even if they are not true.
Monday, February 4, 2013
The Altar
I am sure that many of you can remember certain altar experiences. I think of the day that I surrendered my life to Christ and the day I was called to the ministry. Of course there are other times I have been up to the altar. When I was sick, before we had a diagnosis, I spent time at an altar praying for answers and doctor's clarity. Now when I think about the altar I can add yesterday's experience to the things I recall...
Yesterday morning, I was feeling fairly apprehensive. I now believe that apprehension was a war waging inside of me. God knew what was about to happen and the Enemy was doing everything in his power to keep it from happening. When I left the church a year and a half ago, I swore that I would never return to church and if I did I would never kneel at an altar again. My hurt, frustration and anger were very evident in those declarations. I did, however, return to church and yesterday I found myself at an altar. I honestly did not know what exactly to pray. So I found myself begging God for things to be different because I am tired. Tired of...
... being hurt
... being broken
... being tired
... not having purpose
... feeling unworthy
... feeling unlovable
As I said the word "unlovable," four arms enveloped me and I was both figuratively and literally wrapped in love. Michelle and Amy showed a tremendous amount of love and care for me. They also both prayed very powerful prayers over my heart and life. Prayers of wholeness, health, forgiveness, freedom, grace and love. Am I nervous about what the implications of yesterday are? Of course I am, however, I need for something to be drastically different and I believe that we are on the right path.
Yesterday morning, I was feeling fairly apprehensive. I now believe that apprehension was a war waging inside of me. God knew what was about to happen and the Enemy was doing everything in his power to keep it from happening. When I left the church a year and a half ago, I swore that I would never return to church and if I did I would never kneel at an altar again. My hurt, frustration and anger were very evident in those declarations. I did, however, return to church and yesterday I found myself at an altar. I honestly did not know what exactly to pray. So I found myself begging God for things to be different because I am tired. Tired of...
... being hurt
... being broken
... being tired
... not having purpose
... feeling unworthy
... feeling unlovable
As I said the word "unlovable," four arms enveloped me and I was both figuratively and literally wrapped in love. Michelle and Amy showed a tremendous amount of love and care for me. They also both prayed very powerful prayers over my heart and life. Prayers of wholeness, health, forgiveness, freedom, grace and love. Am I nervous about what the implications of yesterday are? Of course I am, however, I need for something to be drastically different and I believe that we are on the right path.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Grace
I have been struggling with what to write today...
Two Sundays ago Marsha asked me to come to her house after church for dinner with them, Amy, Lori, Jeremy and Connor. Lunch was amazing (particularly the chocolate Texas sheet cake)! However, that is not what I want to talk about. She had Max Lucado's newest book, Grace: More Than We Deserve, Greater Than We Imagine, out on the table. I asked her about it. She said it was their Sunday school book and it was pretty decent. I ordered it the next day... well I started it last night and could only make it to page seven (which is really only 3 pages into the actual book).
I struggle with grace. The whole concept of grace and all that it entails. The first page on the first chapter has three quotes from the Bible and two quotes from famous people. One struck me particularly hard; Ezekial 36:26, "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Isn't that what Amy has been praying for, for weeks? As a matter of fact this is one thing that Amy said just hours before I started the book, "I WILL also still pray for those walls to come tumbling down...for those chains to be broken...for Meg to FINALLY feel free!" Isn't freedom a heart of flesh? Not even a full page later I read, "God is in the business of changing hearts" Followed a short pageish later with, "God answers the mess of life with one word: grace."
I think the book is going to kick my tush and may also be exactly what Amy has been praying for. Thanks Marsha for having me over, leaving your Sunday school book out and for telling me that it was decent... you probably just changed the course of my life forever.
Two Sundays ago Marsha asked me to come to her house after church for dinner with them, Amy, Lori, Jeremy and Connor. Lunch was amazing (particularly the chocolate Texas sheet cake)! However, that is not what I want to talk about. She had Max Lucado's newest book, Grace: More Than We Deserve, Greater Than We Imagine, out on the table. I asked her about it. She said it was their Sunday school book and it was pretty decent. I ordered it the next day... well I started it last night and could only make it to page seven (which is really only 3 pages into the actual book).
I struggle with grace. The whole concept of grace and all that it entails. The first page on the first chapter has three quotes from the Bible and two quotes from famous people. One struck me particularly hard; Ezekial 36:26, "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh." Isn't that what Amy has been praying for, for weeks? As a matter of fact this is one thing that Amy said just hours before I started the book, "I WILL also still pray for those walls to come tumbling down...for those chains to be broken...for Meg to FINALLY feel free!" Isn't freedom a heart of flesh? Not even a full page later I read, "God is in the business of changing hearts" Followed a short pageish later with, "God answers the mess of life with one word: grace."
I think the book is going to kick my tush and may also be exactly what Amy has been praying for. Thanks Marsha for having me over, leaving your Sunday school book out and for telling me that it was decent... you probably just changed the course of my life forever.
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