A Year Later

A year ago today I had a hysterectomy. At the time there weren't tons of emotions about all of it; I was so sick I had to do go through with it in order to get well. Now, a year later, I am sad. I am sad that another human, my child, will not grow inside me, that I will not give birth, that I will never nurse my infant, that my husband won't get to cut the umbilical cord, that we won't get to hear a heart beat or see tiny toes on an ultrasound machine. I would even go a step farther and say that I am grieving the fact that I will never be a biological mother. It hurts. And it hurts in ways that I can't explain or express.

What makes this pain worse is that everyone around me is having kids. If I counted correctly nearly 50 of my Facebook friends either have a baby under the age of one or are currently pregnant. Some of them even fall into both categories! I am happy that people are having families, truly. I am not happy that my wall is inundated with pictures of cute bundles of smooshy newborn awesomeness.

Last Thursday, I was holding my nephew Bennett (whom I love more than anything on the planet and has exponentially increased my understanding of unconditional love) and my heart ached a bit. No matter how much I love him, how often I see him... he will never be mine. I was holding him and leaning towards him so he would lean towards me and make our foreheads touch and it was so cute and loving. However, at the same time it also made something inside of me hurt and long for a baby of my own. Yes, I may be able to adopt at some point but the likelihood of getting an infant from the very beginning is HIGHLY unlikely. (especially being single, the income I have, the age I am and all of the other crap...)

People say the most ridiculous, insensitive crap to me about not having children like:

Well you aren't that much of a kid person anyway. You like babies but not really kids so much...
At least you can enjoy sleeping in...
You can travel whenever you want...
You just aren't meant to be a mom...

Those are all stupid. I love babies and I would love my own kid even when they were in fifth grade. I would trade sleeping in for a child 1000% of the time. Traveling alone... so much fun! Traveling is definitely better than having an infant... how is that supposed to make me feel better? And I am not meant to be a mom. Well thanks for the vote of confidence jackass.

My inability to have a baby makes me feel isolated and alone. Babies are everywhere. Everyone I eat lunch with is a mother, nearly everyone I work with a parent, all my friends basically have at least one kid.

I feel ashamed and like damaged goods. I don't want to date or get married because I can never give someone a child. I am not whole. I am the end of my family lineage and I don't want that to be true for my hypothetical husband. 

I feel angry about my body betraying me. I write all this not for sympathy or comments. But to say when I want to be alone today. I don't want some feel good statement. I don't want a Bible verse. I want to be left alone in my grief and heartache, while you go give your kids a hug.