Feelings are Hard

Today has held many feelings. Emotions running rampant is a hard thing to manage. I am taking some comfort in the fact that Jesus had feelings too. He wept; he flipped tables out of anger; he begged God to let the cup pass from him and he loved his disciples. But overall today has been hard. Feelings are hard. They aren't always rational or convenient. However, they are so hard to ignore. Tears prick behind the eyes and beg to fall, how do you ignore them? Anger boils and wants to lash out, how do you real it in? Happiness bubbles but is inappropriate to express. Fear paralyzes, hope refuels, sadness consumes and the list could go on. Here is hoping to a rest filled night and a God filled tomorrow with a few less emotions.

Does Jesus Wear Blue Scrubs?

I recently spent six days in Parkview Regional Medical Center (just a fancy way of saying a big honking hospital). You can learn a lot about yourself and the world in six days. You can also learn a lot about people... particularly nurses. Nurses dedicate their vocation (and yes I use the word vocation with intention to see how it is a calling) to caring for the sickest among us. They wade through blood, poop, blown IVs, vomit, being yelled at and worse. Sometimes all that occurs in a matter of minutes other times days, but their's is a tough road.

While at PRMC, I received the best care anyone could have ever asked for. Every 12 hours the shift would change but the level of care never did. Each person who walked into my room in blue scrubs treated me exactly how they would have treated their best friend, mother, daughter or spouse. I was treated with respect, dignity, and, yes, even love. My nurses comforted me in the night, explained what they were doing and even took walks with me. So my question stands: Does Jesus wear blue scrubs? Because it sure felt like I was in a holy presence when I was with these individuals. If only we were all a bit more like them.

God's Twists

I can not tell you how many times my path towards the heart of Christ has taken a turn. God knows far better than I do what I truly want or need. Well, today that path took another turn... I will be housing a 17 year old start Thursday until the end of the school year. Your prayers and advice are greatly welcomed.

Matthew 25:35-36

I have been thinking a lot lately about Matthew 25:35-36, "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me." After being in the hospital for six days, I can tell you that I was all of those things: hungry, thirsty, a stranger, in need of clothes and a shower, sick, and in a form of prison tethered to an IV machine and limited to one floor of the hospital to walk. 

I will never forget those who cared for me and those who visited me. Conversely I will also never forget those who didn't visit me because they had better things to do. Well, I should dwell on that because it will just make me bitter. I can say that the people who cared for me have a very special place in my heart for I was the least of these and they took care of me as if I were someone of great importance. 

Thank you all for your prayers and such. Have a wonderful weekend. 

So...

What is your favorite Bible passage? We ask this question to one another when there is a ebb in the conversation or when we really need guidance on passages we should read. But how do we really answer that? I mean it is the Bible after all- is one passage truly better than all the rest? To God, no; however, to us there are passages that always deeply touch us and others that are important for a season.

How do I currently answer that question? I recite John 10:10 and John 16:33 "The enemy comes only to kill,
 steal and destroy but I have come to give you life and life abundantly... In this world you will have trouble, but take heart I have overcome the world!" And then I add on right now I am stuck on "So it came to pass..." It is in the Bible dozens of times. It gives me hope because whatever was going on it came to pass. It was over there was something new. Life has a lot of junk in it but it all comes to pass or we learn to live with it so our attitude passes.

What is one thing you would like to see come to pass?

Vulnerability

I am usually fairly transparent on here, but today I am going to be down right vulnerable. I am not doing this for your sympathy or your comments; I am doing this so you may understand what me and people like me go through. 

In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan Proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.”

I have never had the joy or privilege of holding my breathing, squirming, pink new born. And I never will. I had a medically necessary hysterectomy at the age of twenty seven. I have lost the ability to ever experience biological motherhood. It was and is sad. 

Last night at church I was holding and snuggly little baby. As she cozied right in against my chest, I looked at her with awe. Babies are an incredible miracle from God. Even though I was nearly breath-taken by how amazing it is that this tiny human was made from a single cell, I had a moment when I was just sad. I had a moment when I thought I will never walk in the middle of the night with a restless baby that I have given birth to. I will never nourish a baby from my own body.

It is hard when it seems like everyone my age is popping out babies; however, I am not the only who is in this situation. For me and for others like me, I beg you if we don't offer you an explanation of why we don't have kids please don't ask. This is not the hand that I wanted to be dealt but it is the hand I have to live with. 

New and Improved

Many things offer us a "New and Improved" experience. My cereal this morning made that claim; I, however, would have preferred the old and plain. Their new recipe was not an improvement.

I think about this in comparison and contrast to the things of this world. Many things offer to make us better. The new and improved version of ourselves. Whether it be an exercise program or a college class, the world is offering an improvement to our current circumstance. Yes, these things may enrich our lives; nonetheless, only one thing can make us truly new and most definitely improved. That one thing is Christ. Christ's recipe for our life is to give us life and give it to the full. While the world's recipe may offer things of grandeur in the end they are only of death.

Like my cereal, claims of improvement can only be measured by experiencing them. I hope and pray that I experience Christ in some new way today.

John 1

"In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word WAS God.... The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us."

Jesus is the Word. Everything that was created was because of the Word. Christ became flesh and made his dwelling among us-- Emmanuel. I find it interesting that this passage specifically says among US. It doesn't say among them it says among us. Jesus is still the incarnate Christ, who intentionally made his dwelling among us. "He did not come into the world to condemn it but to save it" (John 3:17 but I get ahead of myself).

The Christ who was present, although in a different way, in the Old Testament, who became incarnate in the New Testament still lives among us, in us and through us.

John

Tomorrow I will be starting a long series on John. I have been doing the preliminary work for a long time. I just haven't felt much like doing this... the blogging, the talking about things that are hard, the trying to explain why in my world (that is crazy to put it mildly) Jesus makes sense. Nonetheless, I must come back to writing regularly. I need to focus on Jesus my writing typically helps that. So tomorrow I will look at John 1.

Moments of Grace

This is an extremely difficult blog for me to write. Grace is a tough subject for me and the moments of grace and lack there of were also challenging.

I am going through a tough time at church, directly an indirectly my fault. I have been working on making ammends and whatnot (sorry this is even harder than I thought it would be). In this process I have seen very clearly the two ends of the spectrum of giving grace to others. On one hand there are those who want me in church, and while still guarded, welcome me back. Those are showing the grace and love of Christ and I am so very greatful. However, there is the other hand, these individuals don't even want me in the same county as them let alone the same room. These ladies avoid direct contact, refuse to say hello, and generally ignore my presence.

I know I was wrong and I'm sorry. Nonetheless, you either believe in grace or you don't. And even though grace is hard for me I believe in it. I also believe that there is nothing as transformative as the redemption of Christ and a close second is to have the grace of a believer extended to me as needed. These pictures and moments of grace have taught me a lot about myself and about what others truly believe.

I hope you all have the chance to extend grace to someone today.

Love Languages

I was recently reminded of the book "The Five Love Languages." Here is what they are briefly: 

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.*

Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love.
Encouraging words: “Encourage” means “to inspire courage”. All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage, which often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things that we would like to do. Perhaps you or your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting encouraging words from you or from him.

Kind words: If we’re to communicate love verbally, we must use kind words. That has to do with the way we speak. The statement “I love you”, when said with kindness and tenderness, can be a genuine expression of love.

Humble words: Love makes requests, not demands. In marriage we’re equal partners. If we’re to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we make our needs known in the form of a request, we’re giving guidance, not ultimatums.


Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.*

This means giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television together. What I mean is taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other while talking. Time is a strong communicator of love. The love language of quality time has many dialects. One of the most common is that of quality conversation – two individuals sharing their thoughts and feelings. A relationship calls for sympathetic listening with a view to understanding the other person’s desires. We must be willing to give advice, but only when it’s requested and never in a condescending manner. 

Here are some practical listening tips: 
❤ Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking.
❤ Don’t do something else at the same time.
❤ Listen for feelings and confirm them. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”
❤ Observe body language.
❤ Refuse to interrupt. Such interruptions indicate, “I don’t care what you are saying; listen to me.”
❤ Quality conversation also calls for self-revelation. In order for your partner to feel loved, you must reveal some of yourself, too.

Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.*

Almost everything ever written on the subject of love indicates that at the heart of love is the spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse, but for some, receiving gifts, visible symbols of love, speaks the loudest. A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.” A gift is a symbol of that thought. Gifts come in all sizes, colours and shapes. Some are expensive and others are free. To the individual whose primary love language is receiving gifts, the cost will matter little. 

There is also an intangible gift that can speak more loudly than something that can be held in one’s hand. Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give. Your body becomes the symbol of your love.

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.*

People who speak this love language seek to please their partners by serving them; to express their love for them by doing things for them. Actions such as cooking a meal, setting a table, washing the dishes, sorting the bills, walking the dog or dealing with landlords are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love. I’m not saying become a doormat to your partner and do these things out of guilt or resentment. No person should ever be a doormat. Do these things as a lover.


Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.*

Holding hands, kissing, hugging and sex – all of these are lifelines for the person for whom physical touch is the primary love language. With it, they feel secure in their partner’s love. “Love touches” don’t take much time, but they do require a little thought, especially if this isn’t your primary love language or you didn’t grow up in a “touching” family. Sitting close to each other as you watch TV requires no additional time, but communicates your love loudly. Touching each other when you leave the house and when you return may involve only a brief kiss, but speaks volumes.

I am definitely a mix of Quality Time and Physical Touch. With people I love and am comfortable with, I need/crave/enjoy spending time with them whilst snuggling/holding hands/whatnot... I believe that pinching elbows and punching throats are included in this. I do NOT like physical touch that is not initiated by me. I do like hugs, tight, safe, hugs. 

What is your love language?