Vulnerability

I am usually fairly transparent on here, but today I am going to be down right vulnerable. I am not doing this for your sympathy or your comments; I am doing this so you may understand what me and people like me go through. 

In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan Proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.”

I have never had the joy or privilege of holding my breathing, squirming, pink new born. And I never will. I had a medically necessary hysterectomy at the age of twenty seven. I have lost the ability to ever experience biological motherhood. It was and is sad. 

Last night at church I was holding and snuggly little baby. As she cozied right in against my chest, I looked at her with awe. Babies are an incredible miracle from God. Even though I was nearly breath-taken by how amazing it is that this tiny human was made from a single cell, I had a moment when I was just sad. I had a moment when I thought I will never walk in the middle of the night with a restless baby that I have given birth to. I will never nourish a baby from my own body.

It is hard when it seems like everyone my age is popping out babies; however, I am not the only who is in this situation. For me and for others like me, I beg you if we don't offer you an explanation of why we don't have kids please don't ask. This is not the hand that I wanted to be dealt but it is the hand I have to live with.