Anger + Anxiety + Arrogance = An Unholy Advent Equation

It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I struggle with anger. I overreact our of anger, frequently. I curse more than I should. I hold grudges and refuse to forgive. I assume the worst of people far more often than I assume the best and that boils out because of deep-seated anger. Sometimes I think I was just born mad. As far back as I can remember, anger and hatred have flown out of my mouth and poured over my actions.

I also am anxious. I worry about things that I have zero control about. I make my own stomach hurt on a regular basis getting worked up about things that have yet to (and probably will never) happen. I am convinced that it is genetic. My dad worries even more than I do and his mom more than him and her mom even more than that.... We are anxious people with sweaty palms and slight tachycardia.

Unfortunately my anger and anxiety are often coupled with crippling arrogance. I am well read, have a decent education and I have a difficult time not holding some level of superiority because of it. I try desperately to fight it-- sometimes with success and other times with no luck at all.

When these three awful parts of who I am combine at full force I turn into a real asshole. And let me tell you it does not make for a very successful morning of worship if it happens on a Sunday. Well this equation came to a terrible climax yesterday at about 9:34 right as I was walking into church. The first Sunday of Advent and all I wanted to do was be pissed off, fearful, and argue with people to prove my theological and philosophical prowess. Not exactly how I should be preparing for the incarnate Christ.

Preparation. Anticipation. Hope. Peace. Love. Joy. This is what Advent is supposed to mean. But I sat there not feeling those things at all. Hostility. Anger. Frustration. Annoyance. Fear. Pride. SIN. I felt heavy sin in my heart. My feelings were taking away everything Advent is supposed to be.

As the service went on, I sang when it was time to, paid attention as I should, and (begrudgingly) put my check in the plate. The we sang O Come, O Come Emmanuel and my wrongness became more and more evident. The Holy Spirit was convicting me and I was trying like mad to ignore it. Except I couldn't really ignore the words "disperse the gloomy clouds of night and death's dark shadow put to flight." I was gloomy and dark shadows were cast all over my heart.

Oh the joys of conviction (read that with as much sarcasm as you can muster, then sigh and roll your eyes and that will capture my feelings appropriately). Regrettably (for me) the Holy Spirit is hard to ignore. By the middle of the sermon I was asking myself some tough questions:

How am I personally preparing for Christ's coming?
Am I showing Jesus?
Am I looking for Jesus?
How can I bring Advent to my cantankerous heart?

After resisting the overwhelming urge to skip Sunday School, I found my self in a room full of women watching a video about the Holy Spirit face-to-face with needing to make a decision right then about how to proceed. Answering the question on the video "Are you living with the blessing of the power of the Holy Spirit?" with a resounding no, I realized I had let my bad attitudes quench the rule, reign and peace of the Holy Spirit in my life. Crap. I knew right then and there that I needed a personal revival. I needed to stop obstructing the grace God wanted to pour upon me. I needed to be anointed and prayed for. So that's what we did after Sunday School- I went back to the sanctuary, with Pastor Cindy and many members of the Sunday school class, knelt and humbled myself. Pastor Cindy anointed me and prayed for me to be released from my anger and whatever else was holding me back (of course I was too prideful to admit my fear or arrogance but God knew).

Did I feel better immediately? No, and honestly I still don't. But I believe that in this season of Advent the Holy Spirit is trying to birth something real and life-changing in me. I'm making a conscious effort to prepare the ground of my heart and anticipate (instead of being resistant to) the changes.