I have been journaling and thinking about surrender for months. Almost every week at church, I feel the struggle between my mind and my heart. My heart wants to surrender to Christ fully. My head thinks it is a terrible idea.
My heart continually breaks over my own inadequacies, sins and hurts. There is a part of me that is angry with God for not exercising his omnipotence and benevolence in ways that make more sense. My intellect is demanding answers. My heart knows that there are not answers for all of my questions.
A part of me knows that if I just surrender things will change. Surrender, however, seems quite impossible most of the time. To relinquish control is terrifying. To admit that I do not have and cannot find the answers on my own feels week. Surrender acknowledges that I am not enough on my own-- it says I need Him.
I can concede to an extent. I do NEED Him. I depend on Him to keep me breathing, to keep my heart beating. How do I surrender my pain to him? my anger? my brokenness? How do I become dependent on Him for life abundantly?
I know that God is deliberately drawing me to Himself, but I don't know how to let down that wall again. When will I figure out how to let it go and just hand it to Him. I have a lot of really important knowledge about God and theology. Unfortunately, that does not make this particular struggle easier. It doesn't help because I cannot argue my way out of it. I am afraid to surrender because I do not trust God to be all that He promises that He is.
I am struggling with this too. I know in my head that God will never leave me or forsake me...but my head thinks that any moment He is going to pull the carpet out from under me and "test my character" and make me figure it out on my own rather than come save the day. Sometimes that is what we need..to have the rug pulled out...but it's hard to accept. And truly he is always there "saving the day"...we just can't see from our perspective now how that will all play out. No one wants to be in tough situations--especially ones that we can't truly do anything about but just live through them. Praying for your journey and for both of us to learn to surrender.
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