Last night I served communion with Pastor Cindy at Fellowship Mission. That is a pretty straightforward, no need to be explained, statement; however, there were so many emotions that went along with it that make it necessary to talk out (write out). This is still a mess in my head and heart so I am just going to list somethings that I felt and you'll see why confusion is what I came away with.
Grace and forgiveness shown through the sacrament of communion made me feel humbled and grateful.
Serving next to Cindy made me feel humbled and unworthy.
Uttering the words "the blood of Christ shed for you" made me miss being a pastor. (Which I RARELY miss.)
Hearing David play O Holy Night made me feel so happy that Christmas is here, that we are dwelling in the Advent season and living with anticipation for the coming of Christ. And yet hearing David play Christmas music makes me think of Karen and then I miss her terribly.
We gave a toddler communion and he made me think about sweet, tender Bennett and how I hope he always has a tender heart. He gives me hope and yet makes me feel bad for the world my generation is going to give to him. He makes me want to be better.
Mostly, I just drove home thinking "what just happened?" I had all the feels. I still kind of do. My prayer today for me and for you is that no matter what we feel as we approach the holidays we give it all to Him. He wants our confusion, sadness, joy and hope because he wants our hearts.
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