Emotions

I have been feeling many emotions lately. None of which I am particularly happy about. In college, Dr. Horst used to call me Spock because I was non-emotive and an enigma. I miss that. Today I woke up EARLY and was thinking, emoting, worrying, etcetera. And then a thought crossed my mind... part of Zephaniah 3 - "He will quiet you with his love." Am I allowing God to quiet me with His love? Am I resting in the love and goodness of the Savior or am I spending more time upset and worried? I know what I should be doing; however, I am much more apt to do the exact opposite.

Words

A couple days ago I talked about needing to hold my tongue. I am happy to report that day was mostly successful. But now I want to talk about the power of words. There is nothing worse than a silence that you can't take back. Sometimes words are all we have to offer comfort, hope, love and strength. You can use words to build people up or crush them to pieces. One of the biggest lies we tell kids (and ourselves) is that words can never hurt us. Words have done a lot of damage in my life. However, there are people that have spoken words of restoration. I have had people speak words that are helping to redefine who I am. These are words that reach to the very depths of my heart and put healing salve on a wound that I would be humiliated if they knew about fully. Words that speak to my being wanted and worth something. Yes, these words sting and elicit more emotion than I care to admit, but these words give life to parts of me that I had given up for dead. Am I using my words to edify or destroy?

Odd Blessing

Blessings often sneak up in a weird way. Last night I was chatting with a friend of mine while she was working on preparing sermons. She is preparing a three part sermon series: Belong, Believe and Become. She asked for help finding text for these topics. She wanted something for belonging that reflected how we are all broken. In a brief moment of inspiration, it hit me... brokenness isn't our common thread. Sin is what we all have in common. We have all fallen short of the glory of God. So the pastor that I hold in high esteem or the person who is further down the path of wholeness and freedom that I can sometimes be jealous of, started out no different than me. We all need the grace of God. We are all dependent on Christ for redemption, and that truth (even though I knew it intellectually and theologically) was my odd blessing last night.

Holding my Tongue

Today feels like one of those days where I could say any number of offensive and hurtful things. For example I would like to tell some of my colleagues "It is okay that you don't give have a crap about the students; I still do." Or I would like to say to some 'friends' "It is totally fine that you treat me like an option even though I always make you a priority." And to others "I don't want to freaking deal with you any more so I am removing you from my life."

However, I will not say any of these things because I have been reminded of James' words. The tongue is a small spark that sets your whole life on fire. I do not want to ruin any part of my life just because I am in a bad mood today. It is not any one's fault that I don't feel well. Therefore, I should not take it out on anyone. So my exercise for today is to keep my mouth shut and hold my tongue even if it hurts. 

Rest

Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

I have been in bed since Friday night, resting my physical body. Like most people, when I am ill, I just stay in bed. Resting my body is the only way it has a chance to repair itself. The same is true for my soul... the sicker my soul is, the more weighed down with burdens, the more it needs to rest in the presence of God. Jesus is waiting to take my worries. It is easy for me to crawl into bed while I am sick. Why is it so hard for me to trust God when my soul is heavy?

The Name: Part 3

It is Sunday, so I am back to the names and attributes of God. Two weeks ago I just listed the first five or six alphabetically, last week I talk about Jehovah Rophi- the Lord who heals. Today I have thought about what to do about the Name this week. I feel compelled to talk about more of the compound Jehovah names.

Jehovah Jirah, the Lord that provides. God knows infinitely more than I know, even about myself and what my needs are. God provides things in ways that I don't always understand or how I would have, but He does always provide what I need. I may not always have what I want, but I have never legitimately been in need of the basics in life. I have always been in a comfortable house with food and clothing. I may only have a few dollars to my name, but I have never been without the things I need. I usually even have a good deal of what I want. God has put people in my life that have paid for counseling sessions, have put gas in my car, volunteered to take me to the doctor and even those who have spent money on my prescriptions. More than the material things in life though, God has put people in my life that love me enough to provide those things. I am overwhelmed with the love I have received even in the past week. I don't deserve it at all. However, these individuals, who love God, love me just because. And that provision is changing my identity. Love conquers all sorts of internal issues.

Jehovah Rohi, the Lord is my Shepherd. Of course this makes me think of the twenty-third Psalm. God is indeed the Shepherd, but I like a sheep am often led astray. I get distracted by pain, frustration, anger, illness, among other things. But like any good shepherd, God leads me back to places of calm, love, reprieve and safety. Which leads me to the next name Jehovah Shalom, the Lord is my peace. I wish that I had peace in the midst of the trials and the storms. I wish that I trusted the shepherd to lead me to peaceful pastures. I know that He is the giver of peace. I just have an extremely difficult time resting in that truth. Psalm 23 has at least ten promises of God's care in it. That alone should bring peace.

Gratitude Goes a Long Way

I just got home from a long evening/night in the Emergency Room. Yep, sick again... or still. But that is not the point. As I was being wheeled up to the radiology department for my CT, my nurse, Haley, said "I have never had a patient say thank you as much as you do." I told her that I was grateful for the work she did and that I was appreciative of the excellent care I was receiving. Then she said what I found to be extremely interesting. She said, "You have shown me a better side of people."

Haley was probably only 22 or 23 and was working the 12 hour over night shift. I felt terrible, as do all of her patients. But being thankful that she was so attentive to my needs caught her attention. It is never her fault that someone is sick, but she is often times not treated so well. Well, Haley, I was grateful for your attentiveness to my need. I am thankful that God put you in the ER when I needed someone to look after me. I may have shown you a better side of people, but you showed me the heart of Christ.

Content vs. Contempt

These two words sound similar, but have vastly different meanings. I have to examine my own attitude when I think about these two words. Do I face life with an attitude of contentment, resting in who God created and what he is doing? Or do I come at life with contempt for my present circumstances, always cynical?

It is Well

Phillip Bliss, the writer of the words in the hymn It is Well, lost his fortune in the Chicago fire. He sent his wife and children back to England while he finished up the business details in the States. Days after his family boarded a ship he received a telegram from his wife that said simply, "Survived alone." Bliss learned that there had been a shipwreck in which all of his children had perished. He got on a boat to return to England. His intentions were to reunite with his wife so they could grieve together. Late one evening, while standing on the deck of the ship, the Captain came to Bliss and informed him they were passing over the spot where his children tragically lost their lives. Phillip Bliss then penned this poem, "When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul. It is well, with my soul, It is well, with my soul, It is well, it is well, with my soul. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul. It is well, it is well, with my soul." Later Horatio Spafford would put music to it and it would become a classic hymn.

I was thinking about this story and the words Bliss used last night. Through the worst tragedies of his life Bliss was able to say "Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, it is well with my soul." Am I able to say that it is well in the darkness of uncertainty? Am I able to say it is well when I am faced with heartache and sorrow? When sorrows are around every corner can I say it is well with my soul? Sadly, but honestly, I can say that is not my first reaction. My first reaction is usually one of complaint, fear, anger or doubt. Even as I type these words I am not able to fully say it is well. It is 5:56 am where I live and I have been awake for two hours already. My brain is racing with thoughts, worry, anxiety. I need to come to a place where it is well with my soul.

Faith and Trust

I know, I know... I talk about faith and trust all the time. But I have another thought on the subject. I was thinking about the woman with the issue of blood this morning. She was healed by her faith. Am I lacking faith that God will indeed heal me? I am not sure but I am sure that I will give it more thought.

I wrote the first paragraph early, early this morning. Then I was sent a Bible verse on my phone. John 14:1 "Do not let your heart be trouble..." Would my lack of faith and trust be remedied if I could rid my heart of its trouble? Or would it be the other way around?

Cuppa

This morning when I arrived at school, I made a cuppa (what the Brits call a cup of tea). I enjoy my cuppa every day, almost. My mug is has Wesley Seminary printed on the outside of it. Seminary feels like an eternity ago. My life is so different from the day I walked in to class for the first time. I now lead classes instead of take them. I grade papers instead of writing them. I prepare test keys instead of studying for tests.

Life continues to move and evolve, even when I am resistant to change. God continues to grow and stretch me even when I do not want to be grown or stretched. Above all else that is happening in my life or at my job, I must remember that the sovereignty of God is much greater than my finite mind can comprehend. I have a tendency to be overly analytical. God can not be figured out by anyone's intellect. Life moves on.

Rejection

Luke 10:25-37 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?” “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?” He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, Love your neighbor as yourself.’ “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.” But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’ “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?” The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.” Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”


Do you know what I believe is the number one thing that plagues America today? It is not poverty, crime, drugs, abortion or any number of other things that may pop into our heads, but it is the sting of rejection. There are millions of Americans feeling unloved and unlovable because of repeated rejection.  Think back to the first time someone called you stupid or fat or ugly… that sting is still there in the pit of your stomach. Now imagine, feeling that way all the time. That is how millions of people are walking around feeling every single day.

When I was in middle school there was a large group of people with the WWJD bracelets. To someone who wasn’t going to church at the time these bracelets were no more than a fashion fad. WWJD? What would Jesus do? As bearers of the good news, isn’t that the question we should ask ourselves all the time? But in this instance and in most I believe the answer to what would Jesus do is love out loud. How I love one another whether members of the same religious affiliation, gender, sexual orientation or anything else says
volumes about how much I love God.

In a recent discussion with a friend of mine something was said that is so true about how the world sees Christians and it is not our love. I asked Annalisa why she didn’t even want to come to church. Her response was, “Because Christians claim to be this army fighting for the good side, but they are the only army I have ever seen that shoot their own wounded.” I sat there a little stunned and realized how true that statement
is. I am guilty of lacking grace and love towards other people's struggles. I feel tempted to answer with snide remarks to their pain. As a pastor I used to throw scripture at them of just walking with them in their time of need.

What do I believe God is wanting to say to those who are feeling unloved?  "O beloved, how I have yearned to embrace you as I have watched your heart rent with the pain of rejection from one who once held you as their loved one, the only object of their affection. For you are My child, I have been with you when no man know the rending of heart and pain you endured. And as the words like poisoned arrows were flung back and forth, so I was there standing,weeping, for you, My heart heavy with grief for you. And so it is that even at this time, as you have laid on you bed, your pillow soaked night after night, I want walk toward you through the pain and the agony of rejection and despair, and I want stretch out My hand to you, and be your Savior, your Deliverer, your comforter. And yes, I hear the anguish of your soul crying out comfort?! There is no comfort! And so I will stand here with you in this place of heartache. I will take your face gently in my hands and I will brush away the tears from your cheek and I will be with you. My hand is not shortened to save.  I Am still the miracle-working God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. For I tell you even this very day, where those around you have said it is too hard, it is over, that I have your heart in My hands. And so I declare to you that from this day forth the battle is no longer yours. So gently disentangle yourself and loose your situation into My hands, into the hands of your Father, and as you ease that which you have held so tightly to yourself-- So I will tell you, My child, my supernatural rest shall start to flood your soul. And where you have found no ease for your aching heart, and where the pain and agony of rejection and loss have been too much to bear, there shall be an easing and a healing, and a strength that shall flood over your soul. Fresh hope will infuse you. For it is not finished my child, and where those around you would say let go it is over, you have known deep in your heart, that this is not the way that things should be. Jesus was born into this world to destroy the works of darkness and to undo the works of Satan, and so I say to you: be strong. I tell you that there is a miracle in your midst. If you just cling to Me, the Lord, you will see that I am indeed good and great to be praised and adored. I have loved you with an unfailing love, and have sent those who love you as a small messengers and just a dim reflection of my love. I am here to love you no matter what, because I am love. I am saying, today I am here to draw you tenderly to my side and out of your loneliness and your despair. I am ready and willing to declare your life to be a new thing."

This is a difficult thing for me to say that I think God would say. Rejection and events that happened that were perceived as forms of rejection have left me with many wounds. It is nearly impossible to see myself outside of the skewed identity that rejection has produced.

I believe that God is saying to those who want to make a real difference in the world that it is time to go put the rubber to the road and love people with all we have. Those who want to change the rejected hearts of the world are the messengers of the fresh season that can enter a rejected heart. I believe that there is a new day dawning and there will be a love revolution. People will be liberated from their past and from the pain of rejection. God didn’t plan for anyone to live in the sting of rejection but to dive into the freedom of His love and into the love of positive, edifying relationships. Every time someone loves me well, or says something that affirms me as a person worthy of love, a piece of my armor melts and the pain of rejection begins to heal. My identity is being reshaped in a way that doesn't perpetuate shame and rejection. God’s heart does indeed break with the things that break our hearts and the rejected hearts. He sees the tears of despair and the pain of rejection. I believe that, because I believe that he has specifically put people in my life to help heal my heart. If it didn't hurt Him too, he may not do anything about it.

1 Corinthians 13:13 says now these three things remain faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. When was the last time we thought love was the greatest thing. 1 Peter says above all love each other deeply
because love covers a multitude of sin. Love deeply. LOVE DEEPLY.

Life isn’t about the number of people who have loved you, but the number you have loved well. 1 John 4:19 says we love because He first loved us. One communion liturgy says forgive us God we have failed to love you and one another.

The Name part 2

Last Sunday I covered the first five names of God alphabetically. Today I want to address only one. Jehovah Rophi: the God who heals. I need to trust in this name.

Mediocrity

Being a mediocre follower of Christ is a betrayal of the gospel. It fails to show the transformation though grace that only Christ can bring into a life. However, I feel mediocre in all areas of my life now. And if the whole truth were to be told I feel more then mediocre as a believer in Christ. I feel like a very sub-par Christian.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Yesterday I talked about trust and this is not completely unrelated to trust...

A relationship with Jesus doesn't just happen. We cannot receive salvation by passive infusion. Therefore siting in a pew won't cut it. I must interact with the grace and spirit of God to access fully the provision intended for us. Any relationship I have on this earth takes interaction and work. Anyone I trust or those who trust me we have had to work with it. Trust doesn't just happen, but God is completely trustworthy. I cannot receive by passive infusion; my relationship is active and evolving. 

10 Feet of Trust

Yesterday I had a conversation with Dawn about trust and specifically trusting God. I compared trust to a ten feet rope. My trust is 10 feet long. When I begin to surrender something I give God 9'11" but hold on to an inch for myself. Then something happens and I take a few more inches at a time. Before I know it I am holding the vast majority of the rope, leaving God with an inch or two.

We then talked about how to fully surrender and what I would say if I was still preaching to my congregation on the topic. I said that it starts with the decision do you trust yourself or God more? Who do you want to trust more? If I determine that I trust myself more than I trust the creator of the universe, I am then faced with the question: Can I save myself too? The simple answer is no. I am completely reliant on the grace of God through Jesus Christ for my salvation.

I don't know how to leave the rope at the foot of the cross. I don't know how it all works or all the implications of it.

I will leave this post with words that were sent to me this morning by Dawn. I don't believe in coincidences. Therefore, I don't think it was any accident that this was her devotion from this morning after the conversation from last night.

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. Psalm 20:7 Think about it, we board a plane, get served hot meals, and surf the internet all while cruising at an altitude of 30,000 feet traveling at a speed of 600 miles per hour. Most of us, nonchalantly put our faith in the airplane and crew that we will have a safe landing. Against all those obstacles, why do we find it harder to entrust our lives to God?"

Test

We have all heard the phrase "when the test comes the teacher is quiet." I have worked in public education on a part time basis for five years now and this is my first year full time. I know that I have to be more quiet when they are taking tests, but I also know that I can clarify questions for them. I feel like God is all too often silent in the test. I feel like I need clarification that He is not giving. I am not really sure what I think I need to know, but I feel like I am missing some vital pieces of the puzzle a lot of the time.

Identity

Dawn has a way of sending my little devotionals that are extremely poignant and perfectly timed.

"'Then the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground. He breathed the breath of life into the man’s nostrils, and the man became a living person.' There are things in our life that we identify with such as friends, music, job, or grade in school, etc. Sometimes we look to these things to find our identity in them. But really, we are more than the category we define ourselves by. These things don’t completely reflect and define who we are. Our identity is found in our creation as a son or daughter of the Most High."

I have a hard time with things and people defining who I am or what I am. I hear voices telling me that I am not enough and never will be. I hear a voice that reminds me that I am a disappointment. I see friendships drift apart and jobs change. I can also remember very clearly the first time I failed a paper in college. I saw myself instantly as a failure. There is a doctor's voice saying things that I don't like to hear or want to hear. How do I keep myself from letting those things define me? Honestly, I have no idea right now. I know intellectually, philosophically, and theologically that I am supposed to rest in my identity as a creation of the Most High. However, I have no clue how to put that knowledge into practice.  

Chapstick

Sometimes my brain is super random. Today is one of those times. I was searching for chapstick a few minutes ago. I thought to myself "I should write about chapstick." Of course I then had to ask myself about how chapstick has anything to do with religion or my journey towards the heart of Christ. The answer came very quickly and was very surprising.

Why was I looking for chapstick? The answer is easy, in the words of Napoleon Dynamite "my lips hurt real bad!" Why am I on a journey that hopefully leads me fully into the heart of Christ? Because my heart hurts real bad. That brought my mind immediately to the words of Isaiah "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;    to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified." Jesus quotes these words in Luke 4. He was the fulfillment. My only hope for my heart is the Spirit of the Lord. Jesus is the chapstick for my heart.

The Name: Part One

Dawn sent me another devotion that was extremely thought provoking.

"You haven’t done this before. Ask using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy.

John 16:24 When you meet someone and want to get to know them the first thing you learn is their name. We now have the freedom to approach God directly and call Him, personally, by name. And it’s not just an ordinary name, but a powerful one. When we call out Christ’s name in faith, we are calling on a force greater than ourselves who provides joy." 

In college I made a list of around 140 names/attributes of God. I am going to spend Sundays (probably 28 weeks or so) talking about the meanings and importance of the names and attributes of God. 

Alpha- Revelations 1:8 “I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty.” Alpha means beginning and it is no coincidence that it is also first in alphabetical order. God is the beginning of all things. With a word he spoke things into existence.

Almighty- “Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?" -Job 11:7 This speaks to God's unlimited power. He has great influence... greater than I can comprehend.

All in All- God is over all and in all. 1 Corinthians talks about Christ's sacrifice so God could become All in All to each person. There is nothing that goes unnoticed by God.

Awesome- Psalm 111:9 "He provided redemption for his people; he ordained his covenant forever— holy and awesome is his name." The creator of all has provided redemption for each and everyone of his people. I have a habit of calling many things awesome. It was an awesome movie.I had an awesome time. But truly there is only One who is worthy of the title Awesome. He alone is worthy of all of my awe.

Adonai- This is the Hebrew name for God when they are referring to him as the Master. Depending on the English translation of the Bible it can be Lord or Yahweh as well. This is a very reverent way to address God.

Music

I listen to primarily Christian music. Last night I heard Chris Tomlin live and it got me thinking about what an important role music plays in the life of the church.  I am happy that I do not belong to a tradition that is against radios and instruments. I love music. The melodies and harmonies usher me into the presence of God like nothing else can.

In the Desert

I know I talk a lot about fear and trust. I also talk a lot about God's will and a time for everything. But I am going to say even more about it now... Sorry.

I am writing this no where near my normal time. Typically I get up, lay around for a while, then eat a yogurt and write my post. It is just after midnight now and I should be asleep. However, I wasn't sleeping and thought now would be a good time to write today's post since my actual day is going to be quite busy, quite early.

Anyway... I digress. I write a lot about fear because there are a lot of unknown things in my life. I write about trust because I feel like it is one way to conquer fear. I talk about God's will because I know I need to trust it. And I talk about a time for everything because I believe that even in the unknown it is the time for what is happening. I was laying here in bed thinking about Jesus in the desert. I bet there were moments that he was unsure. It was his time to be tested and tempted. I feel like I am in the desert. I am scared to death; I am lonely; it is dry; it is hot; I am tired; I am hungry and thirsty. The Word of God tells me that no temptation (or trial) has come upon me that wasn't experienced by Christ.  So today I will try to remember in the midst of the unknown that Christ has been there too.

Time

Time is a funny thing. Four years ago today I spent a nervous Saturday rehearsing my first sermon for Wheatland Avenue UMC. It was not my first sermon in life, but it would be my first time to step into a pulpit that was mine- to look out at the flock I was supposed to shepherd. I was nervous and excited.

Now four years later, I am getting ready to head over to the high school and decorate my first classroom. It is the first time that my name is outside the door of a classroom- the first time I will have my own students. I feel like as I get ready to start another new journey my first sermon at WAUMC is just as applicable, here are parts of it:

"Our first scripture reading comes from Genesis 17:1-8.When Abram was ninety-nine years old the Lord, Yahweh, appeared to Abram and said to him, “I am God Almighty; walk before me, and be blameless, that I may make my covenant between me and you and may multiply you greatly.” Then Abram fell on his face. And God said to him, “behold, my covenant is with you, and you shall be the father of a multitude of nations. No longer shall your name be called Abram, but your name shall be Abraham, for I have made you the father of a multitude of nations. I will make you exceedingly fruitful and I will make you into nations, and kings shall come from you. And I will establish my covenant between me and you and your offspring after you throughout their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be God to you and to your offspring after you. And I will give to you and to you offspring after you the land of you sojournings, all the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession, and I will be their God.”

Our second lesson comes from Acts 13:9But Saul, who was now called Paul was filled with the Holy Spirit… Paul never went by Saul, except for when speaking of his old life, again

I am so glad that Scott talked about the mantle last week, because I am going to be going down a similar path. It just proves once again that God is still in the business of the little details, and for that I am very thankful.

Up until just a few weeks ago I was called many things. My friends called me everything from Megs to Meganathon and Owen to Piffer. At college for some reason no one goes by the name that their parents actually gave them. We all feel like it is absolutely necessary to have a half dozen nicknames. At work I was Meg, until I was doing purchasing then I was Ms. Manning. The little boy I watched called me My Megan. As a substitute teacher I went by Miss Manning, teacher, or hey you. Each of these names and the ones I didn’t mention are a part of who I am and they each have a role that goes with the name.

My spiritual name, which I incidentally think is the most important, is Freedom Fighter. You will all hear more about that as the weeks and months go by. It is a huge part of my life and I can’t wait to share more about it, but today there just isn’t enough time.

Our name says who we are. I believe our parents have free will to name us do not get me wrong, but many times we grow up and we are a reflection of the name we have been given. Megan means eccentric pearl of wisdom. I do not necessarily believe that I am eccentric but I am quirky, and my degree is in Philosophy so I am pursuing wisdom.

 Abram in Hebrew means the one who bows his knee to the high father, and what did Abram do… in the scripture reading we see that he fell on his face before God. He was a reflection of the name he had. God then changed his name to Abraham, which means father of the multitudes. And we know from scripture and history Abraham is the father to all Christians. Interestingly enough a little known fact is Ishmael Abraham and Haggar’s son is the father of the Islamic faith so he is also the father of our Muslim counterparts. We cannot literally begin to count or even understand the number of descendants Abraham has.

Saul means in the Greek to think own self. Who was Saul worshiping? He was serving and worshiping himself. He did it under the guise of a faithful Jew, but his own interests were above all else. Paul means to cease or cause to leave. He ceased his old was and caused many others to leave their ways to follow Christ.
See how names can play a big part in what you are and what you become…

Now I have accepted a new name—Pastor. I take this role and responsibility very seriously. I am grateful and humbled to be given this enormous opportunity to work alongside of you. This name will not be like any of the other names I have held up until this point, but pieces of my other roles are coming along with me into this role to better equip me to fulfill it in a Godly manner. I believe that God has a name and a role for everyone here. Let’s discover the full meanings of your names and my new name together."

I have again accepted an new name-- Apex Supervisor. I take this role and responsibility seriously. I am excited for this new journey. I am thrilled to be helping students work towards graduation. I believe fully that God has opened the door to walk through into this position. My prayer is to be the person God has created me to be and be a light.

Bad Attitude

Today I have a freaking bad attitude. I would like to give the world the finger and go back to bed. But since I can't do that I would like to tell everyone I see today to piss off and leave me alone. But since I shouldn't do that, I should change my attitude. I don't really know how to do this. I would rather be mad and upset. I would much rather isolate and protect myself than share my heart. I wonder how many times I will have to remind myself that I am to do everything without complaining (Philippians 2:4).

Through the Storm

Life for the past couple years has been a barrage of storms. I have undergone what I feel like is every medical test known to man. It took more than eighteen months to even get to a diagnosis. I stayed nineteen days over four separate stays. I had countless trips to the emergency room, endoscopy, colonoscopy, laproscopy, and an appendectomy all before finding the problem. Even now there are scans and blood draws, medicines and doctor's appointments.

I have struggled and am struggling so much with where God has been and is in the midst of all of it. It is very difficult to believe that God will never leave or forsake me when I feel alone and forsaken. This has been the loneliest time of my life. It is extremely difficult to believe that God has a plan for my life when my life seems to be one disaster after another. It is hard to believe that Jesus came to give life and life abundantly when I feel like I don't have any life left in me. I have found it nearly impossible to trust in the faithfulness of God through it all. There have been many times (laying in my bed, the hospital bed, or a couch) that I have thought I want to trust God but I simply do not know how... I can't. I have contemplated, more than once, the words of Psalm 37:74- "Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently on him." I have grown extremely weary of the being still and patient.

The hollowness of my soul has made me feel like I am shattered under the pressures of the past few years. Relationships are strained, partially because I am miserable to be around sometimes and partially because of distance and life stages. There is constantly a stack of bills that I cannot pay and as soon as I do get caught up there is another medical test or appointment. It is a never ending cycle. I had the slate completely empty not even six weeks ago and I have already accrued thousands of dollars of new bills. The unexpected is now what I expect, if that makes sense. I have grown so accustomed to the unknown it is now known. My health is never quite sure. Friendships and relationships seem ever volatile. God feels unfaithful and light-years away. I feel completely unsteady as the storm rages around me.

In these moments it is important, but very hard, to remember that God's faithfulness is much more than I can ever understand. In the moments when I am sure he has left me, I need to hold to the promise that he will never leave nor forsake me. When I feel completely unlovable and on the verge of being completely consumed by depression, I need to reflect on the words of Jeremiah in Lamentations 3 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail." When I feel utterly alone I cannot look past the loneliness Jesus experienced and remember that He has also provided a few FANTASTIC friends for me to draw strength from.

God's faithfulness is enduring to the end of the age. Do I always feel that? No, goodness no! Can I rationally and intellectually get say that I can always come back to scripture where we NEVER read a story of God failing His people? Yes, I can say that I believe. I believe that I can also find people in scripture that are having brutally honest conversations with God about his faithfulness. Job had a full out argument with God. David frequently questioned God. Jeremiah whined all through Lamentations about God's will. Jonah said it would have been better to curse God and die than to see Nineveh forgiven. Jesus asked "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" Peter denied Christ. Paul begged that the thorn in his flesh be removed... to no avail. Why should I expect my life to be so much different from them? If anything it should be even worse, in reality. Jesus was the son of God for goodness sake and he felt completely forsaken by God. But in God's faithfulness Job was restored to wealth. David was called a man after God's own heart. Jeremiah's people were restored as was Jerusalem. Jonah was saved from his own attitude. Jesus rose from the dead and now sits at the right hand of the Father. Peter was the rock that the church was built upon. And Paul realized that His grace was (and is) sufficient. I guess I am in good company.

God is faithful even when I don't deserve it. I think about Moses and the Israelite children in the wilderness. They made an idol and God still gave them manna. They broke the first set of ten commandments. God provided more and still was feeding them manna. The complained about manna and God gave them quail. Given he gave them way too much quail to make a point, however he still heard their cry and was faithful to answer it. So while I am wondering in the midst of my desert, I have to believe that my cries are not going unheard and that God will be faithful to answer them. 

Pondering the Path

Proverbs 4 says to ponder the path of your feet. I am on a path that I feel like is quite uncharted and I frequently find myself pondering the journey. The worry in the unknown sometimes overshadows the second part of that verse, "and let all your ways be well established." When I ponder my life, I must make sure to put God in the pondering. I cannot establish myself in any way that matters in the long run, but He can.

Children Are A Blessing

The Bible calls children a gift, blessing and heritage. I cannot have biological children, but this beautiful baby is my nephew. Today I will journey to Wabash to be a part of his dedication service. His parents, my sister and brother-in-law, will vow to raise him in the church. I (and everyone else in the church) will vow to be an example of Christ's love. I feel very blessed to have this little man in my life. He truly is a gift. I love him more than words can express. I often tell him, "Bennett, you are my favorite person ever."

Saturdays

Saturdays have become my hardest day to know what to write. My brain apparently turns to mush sometime between when I go to bed on Friday and when I get up on Saturday. I have been thinking for well over an hour about what to say today and so far it is still pretty weak. Sorry to those who read frequently.

Mark 7:15 says "Nothing outside a man can make him 'unclean' by going into him. Rather, it is what comes out of a man that makes him 'unclean.'" Every action that could be deemed sinful, first comes from a sinful thought. Out of the abundance of my heart my mouth speaks (Luke 6:45. Likewise out of the abundance of my mind, I act. If I am thinking poorly, I will act poorly. Only I can make my life clean or unclean but it starts with what I am spending time thinking about.

Barn Burning and Life Lessons

Last night my neighbor was burning his barn that he torn down. He walked away for a second to get his lawn mower (because apparently you should be mowing your lawn while your burning a building and the fire is raging away). Anyway while he wasn't paying attention a small ember landed on his other barn catching it on fire. We ended up spending about 10 minutes running in and out of the unintentionally burning barn to get as much of his stuff out before it collapsed. This is what I learned in the midst of it and after it that can be applied to life.

One spark can cost you more than you ever anticipated. He lost a barn and a grainery and probably $5000 worth of stuff. How often has one misstep or sin cost me more than I wanted it to?

You shouldn't go it alone. We need people looking out for us sometimes. We also need to work together. I helped him move a canoe- neither one of us could have done it alone. God did not create us to be autonomous individuals. We are created for community.

Pay attention. Steven could have lost even more, because he didn't even know that his other building was on fire. If you are walking close to a fire (real or metaphorical) diligence is a must. The Word says that the enemy is prowling like a hungry lion seeking to devour. If that isn't a reason to be diligent, I don't know what is.

And finally if you aren't sure, seek advice. Steven said after the craziness was over that he wasn't completely sure if it was safe to burn with the wind the way it was. He should have asked someone. Proverbs says that a wise man seeks counsel. Sometimes we need someone to tell us if we are headed down a road that will burn us in the end.

Faith and Medicine

It seems like from time to time I have been confronted with what it means to be a person of faith and take prescription medication. In college I went to a very charismatic church that believed fully in laying on of hands for healing, while possibly neglecting medications. When I was a Methodist, I saw people putting all of their hope into the wisdom of doctors and pharmaceuticals, while neglecting the command in James to have hands laid on them. Why are these two things at odds?

In the name of honesty I will show my cards and my bias, but I will try to be as far as possible. I take more than one prescription medicine. Also, I have had hands laid on me for healing and health more than once. I honestly do not understand why there are certain believing individuals (and denominations) that do not believe in medication or medical treatment. I have faith that God will heal me, but what if the way he wants to do it is through medicine and doctors?

Then there are those who assume I do not have enough faith because I am sick to begin with. That is asinine. We live in a fallen world with extremely fragile bodies. Getting sick has nothing to do with the level of my faith. There are those at the church I went to in Marion who would ask if I had unconfessed sin in my life. There was even one time there that I was told I would never be whole in my body until I renounced my homosexuality. I am not a homosexual and I never have been! To equate homosexuality with illness is also crazy, but I digress.

The bottom line here is this I will keep my faith in God and his plan for my healing. I will also take the medicine that has been given to me by a trained, gifted, Christian doctor. I do not believe that these are in competition or opposed to each other. I think it can and should be both faith and medicine.

Attributes of God

This morning Dawn sent me an email reminding me of a particular attribute of God. That got me thinking about A.W. Tozer's book "Knowledge of the Holy." Attributes are the best thing our finite minds have to know the character of the infinite.

God is so powerful and so big that my mind cannot fully comprehend all of how He is. This is one of the many reasons that it is imperative to know what I believe and to make sure that my opinions are shaped and formed by the word of God. I must be willing to set my thoughts and opinions aside to seek God. I need to always trust His word above my thought.

I believe in a God that is truly unimaginable, and when I do try to imagine Him I run the risk of making idols. Thus I am tempted to conclude that God has no characteristics as we know them, only attributes. As a human I will always have questions, luckily God has provided enough answers to fulfill our intellect, but I will never know all the answers. Finding the answers will always lead to more questions and more questions should always lead me further and further into the heart of God. His attributes lined out in scripture should (theoretically) put my questioning mind at ease.

I find it interesting that studying God's attributes, gaining knowledge, helps faith. Every person walks by faith. It makes absolutely no difference who you are, believer or not, everyone walks by faith. You either have faith in God or in something other than Him. Some people believe in science. I find it disheartening to put faith in science. The attributes of science are not personal, while the attributes of God are built out of relational and personal needs. Science has an origin. God is self-existent. This introduces something that I do not understand, yet I accept. How can something be without a beginning? Whatever God is, and all that God is, is Him. Humans have necessities, but God does not and cannot have necessities. He is fully reliant on Himself. This also makes Him immeasurable to us. The boundaries and limits I put upon myself and upon others cannot be put on God. 

The only way I can truly begin to understand God's infinite wisdom is to look at His mighty deeds and love. That in and of itself still does not and cannot do justice to the wisdom and glory of God. He knows everything, has all power and is everywhere.

God is completely faithful to His word; each and every attribute listed there is true to who he is. He cannot and will not go against it. Tozer said that "upon God's faithfulness rests our whole hope" (page 81). There is no better way to put it. In the email I receive the author put it this way: "The Scriptures abound with declarations that God is faithful. Since we live in a world that is constantly changing and face many disappointments along the way, it is reassuring to be reminded of the faithfulness of God. One definition of the word faithful is "worthy of trust," and this is certainly applicable to God because He has repeatedly proven that His word is sure and that He can be trusted." Without God's faithfulness we are hopeless, helpless individuals. In this faithfulness he is all good. God is good, but He is also just. If God were not just He would not necessarily be good.

Other attributes are his never ending mercy and grace. Mercy cannot end because it is not temporary, it last forever. "In God mercy and grace are one; but as the reach us they are seen as two related but not identical" (page 93). It is hard to differentiate or define grace or mercy. I can never understand how much I sin (because of sins of omission); therefore, I can never fully understand the grace God has given to me. Once I see this fully, I understand all the more how grace cannot be understood. The abounding grace of God is an attribute of his never- ending love towards me. God is completely love and love is completely God. Without God's love I cannot learn anything else about him. Without love he would hide himself. His love enables Him to be holy and sovereign as well.

Tozer said to know God is one of the easiest most difficult things to do. You can know about Him for free, but to know Him will cost everything. I can know plenty about Him, including much more about His attributes, but to know Him, I must lay down my life.