Through the Storm

Life for the past couple years has been a barrage of storms. I have undergone what I feel like is every medical test known to man. It took more than eighteen months to even get to a diagnosis. I stayed nineteen days over four separate stays. I had countless trips to the emergency room, endoscopy, colonoscopy, laproscopy, and an appendectomy all before finding the problem. Even now there are scans and blood draws, medicines and doctor's appointments.

I have struggled and am struggling so much with where God has been and is in the midst of all of it. It is very difficult to believe that God will never leave or forsake me when I feel alone and forsaken. This has been the loneliest time of my life. It is extremely difficult to believe that God has a plan for my life when my life seems to be one disaster after another. It is hard to believe that Jesus came to give life and life abundantly when I feel like I don't have any life left in me. I have found it nearly impossible to trust in the faithfulness of God through it all. There have been many times (laying in my bed, the hospital bed, or a couch) that I have thought I want to trust God but I simply do not know how... I can't. I have contemplated, more than once, the words of Psalm 37:74- "Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently on him." I have grown extremely weary of the being still and patient.

The hollowness of my soul has made me feel like I am shattered under the pressures of the past few years. Relationships are strained, partially because I am miserable to be around sometimes and partially because of distance and life stages. There is constantly a stack of bills that I cannot pay and as soon as I do get caught up there is another medical test or appointment. It is a never ending cycle. I had the slate completely empty not even six weeks ago and I have already accrued thousands of dollars of new bills. The unexpected is now what I expect, if that makes sense. I have grown so accustomed to the unknown it is now known. My health is never quite sure. Friendships and relationships seem ever volatile. God feels unfaithful and light-years away. I feel completely unsteady as the storm rages around me.

In these moments it is important, but very hard, to remember that God's faithfulness is much more than I can ever understand. In the moments when I am sure he has left me, I need to hold to the promise that he will never leave nor forsake me. When I feel completely unlovable and on the verge of being completely consumed by depression, I need to reflect on the words of Jeremiah in Lamentations 3 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail." When I feel utterly alone I cannot look past the loneliness Jesus experienced and remember that He has also provided a few FANTASTIC friends for me to draw strength from.

God's faithfulness is enduring to the end of the age. Do I always feel that? No, goodness no! Can I rationally and intellectually get say that I can always come back to scripture where we NEVER read a story of God failing His people? Yes, I can say that I believe. I believe that I can also find people in scripture that are having brutally honest conversations with God about his faithfulness. Job had a full out argument with God. David frequently questioned God. Jeremiah whined all through Lamentations about God's will. Jonah said it would have been better to curse God and die than to see Nineveh forgiven. Jesus asked "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?" Peter denied Christ. Paul begged that the thorn in his flesh be removed... to no avail. Why should I expect my life to be so much different from them? If anything it should be even worse, in reality. Jesus was the son of God for goodness sake and he felt completely forsaken by God. But in God's faithfulness Job was restored to wealth. David was called a man after God's own heart. Jeremiah's people were restored as was Jerusalem. Jonah was saved from his own attitude. Jesus rose from the dead and now sits at the right hand of the Father. Peter was the rock that the church was built upon. And Paul realized that His grace was (and is) sufficient. I guess I am in good company.

God is faithful even when I don't deserve it. I think about Moses and the Israelite children in the wilderness. They made an idol and God still gave them manna. They broke the first set of ten commandments. God provided more and still was feeding them manna. The complained about manna and God gave them quail. Given he gave them way too much quail to make a point, however he still heard their cry and was faithful to answer it. So while I am wondering in the midst of my desert, I have to believe that my cries are not going unheard and that God will be faithful to answer them.