Uncomfortable for Christ

Don't you just hate when God calls you to do something that just makes your flat out uncomfortable? But if we cannot get uncomfortable for Christ, then what is worth it?

Not to mention that we are also in good company... Christ himself prayed to our Father that the cup of suffering would pass from him that he would not have to drink from it. But he finished that prayer moments before his arrest with these words, "Not my will but Your will be done."

Doing the will of God continues to push me into places that I would rather not go. Doing the will of God makes me share things that I would rather not share. For His glory, I must say yes even in the discomfort.

Lord, I believe, Thou help my unbelief.

What Should We Be Doing?

As I sit here, in Martin's Supermarket, procrastinating, I am struck with the question: What should we (believers in Christ) be doing right now?

Me as an individual, should be writing my sermon for tomorrow evening, but alas I have sat and prayed, looked at books, read scripture and asked other people for ideas and still don't have much to go on. If I was at home, I should have laundry going and other chores completed. (But we all know I would be laying in bed or on the couch playing Candy Crush or reading a book.)

What should the body of Christ be doing as a whole right now and are we doing it? Well first we should probably start with Jesus' words found in Luke 10, "Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, and with all of your mind, and with all of your soul and with all of your strength. And also love your neighbor as yourself." I think another part of the answer comes to us from Matthew 25 "I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me... Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me." And I think the more of the answer comes to us again from Matthew but in chapter 28, "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you."

Is this all? No, but it is a good start. I could quote dozens more passages of commandments that we should be doing. Am I doing these things as an individual? Not really very well... I don't love people easily. I am easily frustrated and angered at others and don't give a lot of grace for moments that I perceive as other people's stupidity interrupting my life. I don't give as much as I should. I don't always love God will all of my heart, soul, mind and strength... So I am struggling as an individual for sure with these things but I am working on them and growing in the grace, love, and knowledge of God each day.

But how are we doing as the body of Christ? Well... I have a hard time answering this honestly, because I do not like the answer. We fight amongst ourselves. We do not give to the poor as we should. We do not feed the hungry. We do not care for the sick unless they are our own. We stay in the safety of our own walls and never do a ton for the kingdom. Now, don't get too bent out of shape about my negativity about that. I am very lucky to be a part of a church that is doing really great and awesome stuff! And I know that there are many congregations around the world that are being the hands and feet of Christ for a lost and hurting world. I was making a point about how the world views us collectively sometimes.

Where can we go from here? I know that there is a stirring among many Christians currently. We are praying for the future, politically and spiritually right now. I know that I need to get beyond my own stuff to do the work of the gospel. I know that I need to write tomorrow's sermon and continue to grow in my love of God.

When Waiting is the Only Option

I am not good at waiting. No surprise there, right? But who is? Okay. Okay. Okay. I am worse at it than most people. I do not like waiting for traffic, water to get hot (and will settle for lukewarm tea), commercials to end, lunch break to come, and the list could continue for decades. I think that I mostly don't like waiting because it increases my anxiety and then that increases my discomfort. 

Unfortunately there are times in life where waiting is the only option. I am in a waiting time that I have no choice about... I saw the doctor yesterday and this is what I said to a friend afterwards, "No real news. Had blood drawn for genetic testing. Urine to rule out infection. I have an ultrasound and follow up appointment on March 14, because doc thinks the next two weeks is a good time to go on vacation. Surgery is still looming in the future but is delayed for the time being." 

If it were up to me, I wouldn't have to wait for my surgery, for my surgeon to get back from vacation and more importantly I would not have to wait for ANSWERS. However, I am at the mercy of other people and just how long blood tests take and everything else that is 110% out of my control. I have to live with information that I would rather not have like knowing what the BRCA1 and BRCA2 markers test for. I have to live with the fact that surgery is coming and yet I have no idea when or how extensive it will be. I have to live with the fact that I cannot leave the house without Zofran and other medications. I have to live with the fact that there is something about me that all of this makes SUPER anxious. 

In the anxiety, I find myself face to face with some unpleasant questions. Do I trust God even in the waiting? Do I trust God even in the fear while waiting? Do I believe that ALL things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose? Do I believe that even in the tough moments of having no answers that God is still in control? Do I trust that Christ has already overcome every trial I will ever face? Can I sit with God in the wait and not feel frustrated because I feel like he isn't doing anything? These questions get down to the nitty-gritty of who I really am and what I truly believe. Because when it really boils down to it there is only one question in all of these: Do I trust God that God is who He said He would always be? Answering that will change my perspective. Because either I do or I don't and there is no in between. I, of course, would say yes I do trust that God is who He said He would always be. But my anxiety and doubt make that answer questionable. I guess it is a moment by moment process and I will just keep singing John Waller's song While I'm Waiting:

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait

Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
I'll be taking every step in obedience, yeah

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint

And I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting

Where Faith and Fear Collide

As a person who has anxiety (to the point of needing daily medication), I understand fear. I understand worrying about something to the point of causing fear. I can know that something is seriously irrational and still be afraid.

As a person who loves God and His Word, I know that the Bible has exhorted us 365 times to not be afraid. I can see clearly how fear is an absences of faith and trust. Yet, I cannot always talk myself out of fear and back into faith.

However, there are occasions in life where faith and fear collide. (It is as dramatic as it sounds most of the time.) These are moments of worship in the midst of fear and the Holy Spirit whispers to my heart that it will be okay, no matter what the outcome is. This has been happening more and more lately. As the fear of what is happening to me medically comes to the forefront of my mind all the time, I have had to make worship, through song and prayer, a part of my daily routine. Sometimes I have to listen to the same song for four hours at work and let the truth of it sink way down to keep the fear at bay. Other times, I am full into the fear without even fully realizing in and then I hear a song that snaps me back into reality and out of anxiety.

When I allow myself to meet God in these moments, something holy happens. Something that I cannot really put into words, but the sweetness of those moments can only be from God. The tears from those moments can only be of healing. Trust is not easy, faith is not easy, but in these moments they are easier.

Stand Firm

If I had a dollar for every time I have known what I needed to write and then spent a day or two dragging my feet or trying to find a way around it, I would have a few thousand dollars....

This post is not easy for me to write (they rarely are but this one has all the feels). I need to give credit where credit is due. A lot of this stems out of Max's sermon from Tuesday night and the rest is combination from Jenny's preview and Cindy's service last night at Fellowship Mission and my own musings.

I must stand firm. Even when it hurts. Even when it is hard. Even when I am ill. Even when it is inconvenient. Even when it costs time, money, energy, sleep, et cetera. God honors every disciple that stands firm. But standing firm is hard.

I am intimately and painfully aware of the toll lasting illness has on a person. It is physically difficult on many levels. But it also reaches to other areas of my life: socially, financially, emotionally and yes, spiritually. My struggle for lasting health started in the fall of 2010 and has had some hard times and some easier times. I have felt farther from God in some of these moments than I ever have, even before my confession of faith. And it has pushed me deeper into the heart of God at other moments. God has felt quiet and he has been audible. I know that this all sounds like opposites and that both can't be true, but rest assured all of these feelings are real. I have felt isolated and I have felt supported and surrounded. I have been angry and I have been sad. I have struggled to pray, to find a place to hear God's still small voice. I have, in anger and disappointment, put my Bible on a shelf and not read it. I have, in desperation, pulled it back out to find its words to be sustaining and life-giving.

I have had to learn (relearn, relearn and relearn) my utter dependency on Christ's sufficiency. Every problem is an invitation for me to meet Jesus and His grace right in the point of my need, because as he reassured Paul, his words are still true, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Not easy words to swallow, especially in the midst of things. God is not limited by my circumstances. Although I often time limit Him, and myself, based on my circumstances. I must stop putting God inside the box of me not feeling well, because He doesn't belong there. My spiritual well-being is not dependent upon my physical state. I can still be spiritually growing and gaining ground while my body fails and betrays me.

Everyone faces some type of adversity everyday. I need Jesus and so does everyone else. Luckily, He is big enough for each and every one of us. I need to take Jesus into my doctor's appointments with me. I need Him in my fear. I need him in my emotions and not feeling like things are fair. I need Him to get me out of bed every morning. I need him in my not sleeping enough. I NEED Him.  Apart from Him, I can't really do much.

Let's have some ugly honesty... I knew that there was a good chance of coming completely unglued crying when arriving at church last night. I did not feel good physically, I was tired, the Holy Spirit was still working on me from Max's sermon and the last KGB meeting and I really wanted to run away. And then on the drive from the church to Fellowship Mission I listened to Crown Him with Many Crowns which totally added to my inability to hold it all together.

We set up and I was maintaining. Cindy gave the greeting and call to worship and I was still HAPPILY maintaining my facade. Then it was time to sing. We started off by singing We Lift Our Hands in the Sanctuary. No feelings, I was doing good. I was composed and glued together. Then it got to Draw Me Close... okay a few tears (a few more than a few really but who is counting) but nothing too bad. Then David started the music for Breathe... I knew that things were going to turn from a few quiet little tears to more than that. We got to the lines "And I, I'm desperate for You! And I, I'm lost without You!" and ugly cries began to settle in. Hard crying with the cry breathing, coughing, snotting and what not. The "I am never going to be able to pull myself back to composure ever again" crying. I was crying over my desperate need for God's presence in my life. I was crying because I am tired of not feeling well. I was crying because it just isn't fair. I was crying because it was the only thing that made sense to do. I did eventually stop the ugly crying and even crying altogether to tune into Cindy's message where I was reminded again of God being all that I need. Every need I have ever had or will ever have has been permanently and forever met in the person of Jesus Christ and I NEED to trust that. 

So, I wasn't crying at the end of the message, but then David started playing I Need Thee Every Hour. Cue the waterworks. When it was over, I excused myself to the restroom to pull it back together AGAIN... If only that were the last time. We prayed I cried, and got over it. Cindy asked me if I was ok and then the ugly cries came back.

My tears said more to God than my words ever could. I have been tender today. My tears have been easy even still. I am holding to the words of:

Psalm 126 "Those who sow in tears will reap in songs of joy."
Psalm 34 "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crused in spirit.
1 Peter 5 "Cast all your cares on him, because he cares for you."
Isaiah 53 "Surely he has born our griefs and sorrows..."

Philippians 4 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." 

and many others.

I am also choosing to trust that in this dark night of the soul God is bringing me to a new area, new depth and new understanding of my faith. But for now I am standing firm knowing that I am dedicated to Christ for His work and His glory. I am desperate for my Savior each and every moment of every day and that, by ANY definition, does not mean that I have this figured out. Because I really, really don't. If you are in a difficult spot, please know that I am praying for people who are in tough places with me. 

If You Really Must Know...

So, occasionally people say dumb things about other people who happen to have some sort of chronic illness. I am no exception to that. People often subject me to statements that I have to resist the urge to physically respond to. The one that I get most often that I absolutely hate is "You don't seem that sick." (***EYEROLL***) OK. OK. OK. I am not sure how people who are sick are supposed to seem but I have decided to photograph little things in my every day life that are effected by my illness.

It is not uncommon to see this hour or any other when I should be asleep because I am either in pain, nauseated, or have to use the bathroom.

Also, that can sometimes mean that my "night" consisted of a two hour nap and then giving up for the night. Which means I am often tired out of not being well rested and that leads to crankiness.

I can't remember the last time I slept without a barf bucket near by. Sometimes it is just a grocery bag. Other times I have the official pink bucket from the hospital 

 One is for my stomach. The other two are to control my anxiety over being sick (and other things) so my stomach doesn't hurt. 

 This is a must have because I never know when nausea will hit and this will subdue it slightly. Plus if I have to vomit someplace without my toothbrush this gives instant fresh breath. I do slightly panic if I do not have some and need some. I have been known to frantically ask entire rooms of people for mint gum.

I literally pray that there will never be a day that they stop making this drug. It is an anti-nausea medication that melts in your mouth and goes to work in just seconds.

I cannot get enough water, ever. But heaven forbid I take more than a 1/2 swallow sip at a time, lest begins a fresh round of nausea. Back to the gum it can quench thirst in a pinch.

 I have my favorite bathrooms in at least 10 counties already figured out. In emergency situations, I have had to stop less than five minutes from my destination to use the restroom. I have (on more than one occasion) uttered this prayer "Lord, please let this be a single person, relatively clean, with toilet paper bathroom because we both know I can't make it any farther than this."

I have or am trying every homeopathic/alternative treatment on the planet. I apply oils daily on top of prescription medication. 

So, I am sorry that I don't "seem" sick. But my daily life always has an undercurrent of illness. This effects me physically (obviously), but also emotionally, spiritual, relationally, and socially all the time. I have begged God for things to be different. I have cried many tears over it, even today as the prospect of scheduling another surgery becomes more and more of a reality. I don't know how people want me to act. I am doing the best I can with what I have. This is just who I am. 

Internal Dialogue

This is a bit more light-hearted than usual; however, it shows a side of me and my walk with God that is very real.

Sunday night I went to bed about 10pm and fell asleep no problem (which is monumental, because that is not always the case). Then, oh then, 1:38 am I got a wake up call from my brain. Here is the conversation that ensued.

Brain: Hey, everyone, I have some important things to discuss.
Body: No! We need sleep for work.
Heart: Actually, I could go for a good discussion.
Body: GUYS!!! No, tomorrow is Monday and we have a BIG week.
Bladder: Since we're up...
Body: Bladder, I will listen to you and take care of your needs then we are ALL going back to sleep.
a few minutes later....
Body: Ok, everyone is comfortable, warm, cozy time for sleep. That includes you brain.
Brain: Why am I singled out?
Heart: I thought we were going to have some time for a conversation.
Body: Guys we do no have time for this.
Emotions: Oh, hey everyone, sorry I am late to the party but I brought anxiety with me.
Body: Well, I just lost my vote. Please hurry so we can get back to sleep at a decent time.
Stomach: Emotions, did you have to bring anxiety, it upsets me.
Brain: Stomach, I will give you some meds, but you need to shut-up.
Stomach: Thanks for meds but your attitude needs work.
Heart: Seriously, when are we going to get to work? I have a lot to offer right now. Ok, I will just lay it out here, our talk doesn't feature me enough.
Brain: ARE YOU KIDDING?!?! It is all about you.
Emotions: Hey, I thought you might want fear to join anxiety for the night.
Stomach: Great....
Heart: Brain, you seriously disagree with me?
Brain: Yes, Your whole thing is mushy, full of your feelings and shows you off. I barely get two sentences.
Heart: You do realize we wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for you?
Brain: Your point?
Stomach: More meds please, and some peppermint oil while you are at it.
Body: We are no longer comfortable, lets roll around 47 times. And is it hot in here?
Brain: Body you are not a contributor currently.
Heart: My point is that we can't always be cerebral or we will lose people in the minutia.
Brain: I do not like your reasoning. Anything can be rationally explained to rational people.
Heart: We are not talk reason, we are talking relationship.
Brain: Relationship... barf. This is one of those God things isn't that no matter how much I fight you, how much reason I throw at you, or how many feelings emotion brings, you are going to win.
Heart: That is basically were we are at.
Emotions: Hey, everyone I would like to add a little something to this process before heart gets the final decision. This is going to be HARD on all of us. This doesn't actually seem like a good idea.
Body: I, too, would like to chime in. I need rest and if we go with heart that will be severely compromised.
Brain: See heart, it isn't just me. Lots of us are concerned about where you will drag us all.
Heart: I am choosing to trust God on this one. And you all will be fine. Stop being such babies.
Emotions: Hey pride called and wants to be a part of this.
Pride: Do you really want everyone to know what you have already written? and now you are considering adding more?!?! Do you care about me at all?
Heart: Actually, I don't care about you.
Pride: Alrightythen.
Brain: That escalated quickly.
Heart: Ok, so we are doing this. I am tired of arguing with all of you and I think body wants to go back to bed.
Body: Definitely want to go back to bed, but I could use some more discussion about where you are headed.
Stomach: I think I need to puke.
Brain: We aren't puking today have some water and chill out.
Stomach: Ok, ok, but I want it to be noted that I am still not doing well. And I too think this is a really bad idea.
Heart: This discussion is now over. We have a decision. I apologize in advance for any discomfort you feel as a result.
Body: But now I am wide awake, what should I do?
Emotions: I have plenty of things I can give to the brain to work on. Brain, here is anxiety, fear, feelings of unworthiness, and you can probably fill a lot of gaps with memories of every stupid thing we've ever done.
Brain: Thanks for the starting point, I know where to go from here, Emotions. Heart, you are an idiot that I unfortunately have to follow.
Stomach. Emotions, what did you just do? I am worse.
Body: Well, I guess I'll sleep tomorrow....