Rest

I am restless quite often. Last night, well actually this morning early, my thought pattern landed at "Be still and know that I am God." How often am I just still to rest in the goodness of God? Not often enough.

Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me: Part 2

Several weeks ago I wrote about the song Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me and that song has stuck with me steady in the intervening time. However, I am thinking specifically of one line this morning: Jesus,

Savior, pilot me
Over life’s tempestuous sea;
Unknown waves before me roll,
Hiding rock and treacherous shoal.
Chart and compass come from Thee;
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

The storm has shown the depth of the tempestuous sea. Yet, I know the one who quiets the sea (Mark 4:39). My thoughts and prayers are with those on the East Coast.

Moments of Clarity

The past few days I have been feeling utterly restless and unhappy. I felt like I square peg in a round world... like I just didn't fit. Then at 2:52 (approximately) this morning I had a moment of clarity. I do not feel like I fit in because I have forsaken my identity in Christ. I have walked away from who I am in Him and who I am called to be.

So, who am I?

I am His creation formed by his hand (Psalm 13913). Not only did he form He knows everything about me (Psalm 139:1) and I was made in His image (Genesis 1:27). Only in Him can I find my life and have my being (Acts 17:28). God even chose me before the foundation of the earth (Ephesians 1:11-12) and I am not a mistake because I am written in His book (Psalm 139:15-16).  Because I am His child he longs to rejoice over me with singing and quiet me with his love (Zephaniah 3:17). As God's child, He desires to lavish love on me, for no other reason than I am his (1John 3:1). He is the perfect Father my heart needs (Matthew 5:48). I have all of my needs met in the person of Christ (Matthew 6:31-33). I am a woman with a purpose (Jeremiah 29:11). I am forgiven and reconciled (2 Corinthians 5:18-18). I am comforted by the source of Comfort (Psalm 34:18). I am carried close to the Father's heart (Isaiah 40:11). I am not separated from God (Romans 8:39). I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). I am rooted and I am built up (Colossians 2:7). I have been faith, hope and love (1 Timothy 1:1,14).  I am His.

16.8

I was challenged several years ago by someone who asked if anyone truly tithed their time. I then issued the challenge to people in both of my congregations. Then last night at church it came up again... A tithe of my time would be 16.8 a week equaling 873.6 hours a year. Is anyone giving that much time to ministry in any capacity (who isn't getting paid to do it)? 52,560 minutes of service a year from every Christian would make an enormous difference for the kingdom. 3,153,600 seconds to serve... even if that was given by just ten percent of the church the world would dramatically change. If I include worship and Bible study, I am currently at church approximately 4.5 hours a week, not even a third of what a true tithe of time would be. That is pretty weak. What would happen if I just doubled it? What would it be like if I reached the 16.8 hours a week that would be a tithe of time? Almost 17 hours a week seems like quite a bit, but how many days a week to I spend at least 2 hours in front of the TV watching movies, jeopardy, Big Bang Theory, or Grey's? 2.4 hours a day is what it would take. 144 minutes. My favorite movie is 153 minutes long and I find time for it frequently. What are my priorities?

Sleepy Saturday

I typically don't sleep well, so I feel tired a lot. Today, so far has been a very groggy, sleepy Saturday. I have watched a few movies and done several loads of laundry, but mostly have just been laying around. Rest is required to recharge my physical body. Rest is good for my brain to take some time off. But this is not the most necessary form of rest. I must learn to rest in the arms of the Almighty.

We are commanded to have sabbath. Typically, we think of the Sabbath as Sunday, a day set aside for public worship. However, true Sabbath is sacred idleness and rest in addition to corporate and private worship. We were created to have a rhythm of work and rest. Yet, in this busy society with technology at the fingertips of all who want it, rest has lost its priority. Jesus models, particularly in Luke 5 and 6, the rhythm of work and rest... so this afternoon while I rest my sleepy body I am going to try to put my heart in the rest and assurance of God. (While leaving my computer, phone and TV off for a few hours.)

Human Frailty

This morning I am marveling the frailty of humanity, particularly our bodies. I am, at times, frustrated by the brokenness of my body. This morning I wasn't feeling well and I wasn't happy about it... but then out of nowhere a idea flew through my brain. Psalm 139... God literally knit me together and knows all the frailty and frustration in my body. I know this is simple, but it feels like the first time I have truly contemplated the full meaning of that verse.

I have been contemplating a lot of different stuff this morning actually. I have been up for hours and have been at work since well before normal time. I have been thinking about providence, free will, choice, good of all, salvation and sanctification. That is a lot to have swimming around in my head on top of my own human frailty. (Some of this randomness I am going to blame on lack of sleep and my current obsession with classic rock.) I know I often over think things, but it seems to me that God has made understanding faith very difficult. From the why we have such easily broken bodies to trying to determine whether entire sanctification can be truly known on this earth, I feel like I have many questions.

The Attacks

During a sermon I said that the enemy tries to disconnect us from the vine by Isolation, Intimidation and Ignorance. I have returned to that thought several times in the past week.

Isolated: adjective- to set or place apart; detach or separate so as to be alone. For what I am talking about I will be talking about detachment and being alone. The tempter will always try to work in secrecy. The more alone we are the less likely we are to be truly fruitful. Someone once said you are only as sick as you are secret. We are only letting the devil in as much as we are not accountable. We must stay connected to each other and more importantly the true vine. Isolation is a dangerous place to be.

Intimidated: verb- to make timid; fill with fear; to force into or deter from some action by inducing fear. Our enemy is good at using the things of this world to scare is into remaining the same. The fear of loosing friendships or even relationships with family members keeps us bound to our old ways. Or perhaps it is even the fear that we will never be better than what we are. Do not let the devil scare you. You were not given a spirit of fear but of love, power and a sound mind.

Ignorant: adjective-lacking in knowledge or training; unlearned;lacking knowledge or information as to a particular subject or fact; uninformed. Satan has no authority to trick us into using our own will against ourselves. We must be continually transformed by the renewal of our minds. When we do this, we will know the will of God and be able to move our will accordingly. When we are conforming to the pattern of the world we will continue in ways that are destructive. The enemy has no authority until someone gives it to him. "Keep your authority!" is what I want to say to myself but all too often I just hand it away.

Just About Missed

I just about missed posting today... I just don't have anything to say. I have no real excuse for not posting this morning. I simply haven't felt like it. I have been very contemplative today. It has been six months since my surgery. I still think it was the right option, but there are still parts that make me sad about all of it. So that is all I really have to say today... boring. Sorry.

Being Thankful

Yesterday I was told to focus on one thing a day to be thankful for. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:  If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Today I am thankful for good friends who pick me up when I fall and defend me even when I'm the problem.

Sensitivity

I like to tell people, especially Michele (the therapist) and Dawn, that I am a bad ass. I think it is funny and I wish it were true. The truth of the matter is this: I am extremely sensitive and tenderhearted. I hate that because it seems so mushy. I get my feelings hurt by crazy, stupid stuff. I cry if I get yelled at and I hurt when I think of the pain that some of my students live in. Nothing about those things are bad ass at all.

No great insight or anything about God here today... sorry.

Life Hurts

If there is one really discouraging thing I know to be true it is this: life hurts. We could all have more health, more friends, more love, more money, more happiness and less sickness, strife, hatred, poverty, and sadness. John 16:33 confirms that I am right that life hurts, but also gives hope to my hopeless statement, "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart I have overcome the world."

The KJV says that I will have tribulation. I like the word tribulation because it is more what I feel. Tribulation feels rocky, full of pits and twists and turns... dangerous. Life feels very dangerous and unpredictable. Some days everything is going well and then out of nowhere life throws a curve ball... tribulation. This is an absolute certain declaration that is pronounced by Christ. He himself is the Truth so how could this be anything but true? No one is exempt. Tribulations concern us because we don't really prefer to have them. We would much rather have a quiet and painless life. But Jesus' words here preclude us from living a life like that. You will have tribulation. There is no getting around it.

As long as I am on this planet, I will suffer from the frailties and weaknesses of all humanity. Do I feel particularly sensitive to them? Yes, I do. I feel like there are those in my life that weather the stormy seas of life much better than I do. I also feel like I am more frail and weak than most of my compatriots. I am sick a lot, and my heart is wounded in ways that I cannot express. It would be amazing and awesome to be free of those things; it really would be. However, the weakness of my body, the consequences of my sin and the sin of others are here to stay.

There are several versions of the Bible that say "be of good cheer for I have overcome the world." I chuckle a little at the phrase "be of good cheer." I am rarely of good cheer. I am a cynical realist. Then the second part, "I have overcome the world." I have no theological doubt about Jesus being seated at the right hand of the Father having conquered death and hell. However, I feel like there is still so much bad in the world. Jesus will, of course, have ultimate victory in the world, but right now life seems to have more trouble than overcoming. I should be of good cheer though based solely on the face that Christ has set free the captives, ransomed them from the power of sin and death.

I have had a tough week, that is for sure. Last night at church I was weeping, thinking, and trying to pray as we sang. I just kept coming back to this world having trouble and how I want to escape the pain of this life. I wanted Jesus to overcome my trouble. I literally wanted to see God face to face and be absent from this world forever. I do not think that is what is supposed to happen or else it would have. I think that there is something more for me to do in this trouble and in the pain, even in the midst of hopelessness and heartbreak. Paul reminds me that God's grace is sufficient for even me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness. Am I using the pain, tribulation and trials to let my weakness be a place for God's power to be made perfect? I don't think so. I don't even think I know how to. I feel like I am at rock bottom emotionally, physically and mentally. But even at the bottom, Christ has overcome. (Now to learn how to rest in that assurance.)

Sowing

Proverbs says that those who sow in tears will reap in songs of joy. I have sown a butt ton of tears in the past two years and I am tired of crying.

Mentoring

I believe that mentoring is the key to a great life. Titus 2 encourages older people (or more mature) to help, teach and guide younger (or less mature) people. I believe that it is important to have a mentor and be a mentor when the opportunity arises.

I have been extremely blessed in my life to have men and women of God who have taught me, guided me and loved me through some yucky stuff. God has faithfully brought people into my life at every move and every step to show me what it looks like to live a righteous life and to trust Him.

At Indiana Wesleyan, Tamara poured into my life. When beginning ministry Karen and Kayc made sure I was okay. While working at the YMCA, Lindsey challenged my ideas of salvation and wholeness. And now, in what I feel like is my most difficult season (last 2 years or so) I look at my life and it is filled with people who are always ready to step in and help. Dawn is always there for me at every turn, through every bump in the road, even in the midst of her own stuff she continually comes by my side to remind me that I am not in this alone. She also reminds me of who I truly am. She loves me when I cannot love myself and she fights for me when I have given up. Amy challenges my ideas of grace and failure. Shawn and Michelle open their house to me when I need some breathing space. Reba always has an encouraging word. Susie is always available for a good rant... numerous people from church, who don't even know me, are praying for me

Holy Spirit and Fire

Dawn and I were talking about Jesus being baptized by fire this morning. She asked why do we use fire to represent the Holy Spirit when there is fire in Hell? I said it was because fire was historically a sign of cleansing, which is true. However, it got me thinking. Why DO we use fire to represent the Holy Spirit. So, I did some research.

I know from Acts 2 that the Holy Spirit appeared as tongues of fire and rested on each of them. God's revelation of himself by fire was not unusual and would have been understood by the Jewish people of the time. Fire had been used in reference to God in at least seven symbolic uses prior to the day of Pentecost. But how did it start?

The first time we see fire in the Bible as a representation of God's presence is in Exodus 3. Moses interacts with God through a burning bush.There is no doubt that the fire represented God. The Levitical code has fire as a sign of God's approval. This idea of approval of a sacrifice is confirmed in 1 Kings 18. If an offering was acceptable, it would be burnt up. In Exodus 13, fire represents the Lord's guidance. The pillar of fire showed up every night to guide God's people. In Zechariah we see fire as a representation of God's protection. Malachi shows us that fire can be for discipline and testing. Fire represents the Word of God in Jeremiah. In Leviticus 10 fire represents God's judgement. Therefore, we can make the logical link that the fire of the Holy Spirit (especially in the baptism of Christ) assures the Lord's presence, approval, protection and guidance for ministry is there.

Sticks and Stones

As a child, I repeated the phrase "sticks and stones may brake my bones but words will never hurt me" hundreds of times. What a lie! Words hurt. Even when they are true they can sting... "your white blood cell count is still too high." It is true, but my heart sinks every time I hear something like that. Words hurt even  worse when they are coming out of a place of someone's pain, but pointed at me. These are often not completely true statements, but have enough truth in them to really jab me right in the heart, "you are such a disappointment." That hurts for obvious reasons.

Then there are times that someone says something nice (really nice) and it hurts too, "no, really how are you?" "It is my job to care about you." "I love you..." Why do these hurt? Partially, because I do not feel like I deserve to be known, cared about or loved. And partially because I know how incapable I am of reciprocity right now. I am a bad friend right now. I am completely self-absorbed and typically don't feel very well. Some people (mostly the person who says these things *cough, cough Dawn* and my therapist) believe that the pain of these words is the pain of my heart repairing and mending.

James tells us that the tongue is like a small spark that can set the whole life on fire. I agree with that but would add that it has the power to burn someone else, too. Words have the ability to tear down or build up. Paul encourages us to use our words to edify and impart grace, but all too often (and I am guilty) we use words to impart knowledge without grace and just be plain rude. There is so much power in words. What am I using that power for? A word well placed can soothe anger, it can create good will, and it can provide comfort.  A careless word can cause much destruction. 

Yesterday, I was accused of making some disparaging comments. I said nothing that was untrue and I held back a lot of my opinion. However, those words may not have been in good taste. I do not apologize for saying them. I most certainly do not apologize for believing them. I do apologize that once again I have been taken out of context and my words were offensive to some people. I will not say what was said to me in response, but I believe that their are individuals who want to use their words to harm me further. To them all I want to know is why. Why am I a threat to you? Why do you seek to destroy me? Why can't you get over the fact that I am not a part of you anymore? 

Feeling Ugly

Sunday I was reminded of some of the worst things about me. I feel ugly... not physically but my character. I have failed in some pretty epic ways, especially in the United Methodist Church. However, there is no one that knows the whole story and yet I am continually judged by people's perception of what happened. How would any of them feel if they were continually recognized by something that shamed them and caused them unspeakable pain?

There is a part of me that thinks "who the heck are you?!?! You don't know me!" But there is a bigger part that just accepts that they are right and I was and remain wrong. I will never be ordained in the UMC... that is true. I still have very strong feelings about the UMC and their doctrine, services, process and whatnot.

We are taught to treat others how we want to be treated. I really doubt that anyone wants to be treated the way that people have treated me over my exiting the church. Matthew 7 tells us that we are to basically deal with our own sin before telling other people their sin. I doubt the people who constantly want to throw that stuff in my face and speak to me with exceeding condescension are perfect, but neither am I.

The bottom line of this rant is they really hurt my feelings and made me feel worse about myself than I already do. I do not know how that is showing the love of God. 

Repentance of Believers

Conviction of the sin that remains causes believers to need to repent. When you are already saved but have the conviction of the utter helplessness to rid yourself of all sin on your own, it is time for a believer's repentance. God prompts a hunger within for us to discover all the grace God makes available through the atonement of Christ.

There are four basic responses to our sin problem. In light of the revelation and conviction that sin remains some people give up. Others accept that this is the best we can do. Some believe that God can deal with things one brick at a time. And a very select few believe that God can deal with us just as he did in conversion... smash the brick wall down.

I fail... I fail hourly probably. Sins of omission and commission are a daily occurrence. I am a believer that needs to repent continually. I need to surrender to the rule and reign of Christ in my life. I need to submit my will to the will of God. But I find myself in a constant tug-o-war instead.  

Something for Sunday

I am taking a hiatus from my Sunday series this week. Last night I got to take baby Bennett with me to church. This seems like a small thing, but it produced some of the biggest emotions I have ever had. As we were singing, he fell asleep in my arms. I just kept looking at him thinking about how much I love him and how God gave up his baby for us. (While Bennett is not my baby, he is the closest genetic link I will have to the next generation and I love him more than words could ever explain.) I don't think I could give Mr. B up for people who wouldn't appreciate it... or really at all. I feel like if that was what was required I would said NO! By this point in the service I am bawling and using his burp rag for wiping up tears. When all of a sudden a wild though flies through my brain.... Jesus died for Bennett too. Bennett is still pretty much perfect (I am not saying he doesn't have a sin nature... I am saying he has never committed a sin of commission.) Yet, Bennett will need the grace and sacrifice of Jesus too. Mind-blowing!

On the other end of this emotional roller coaster was pain. I love Bennett more than I can tell you. However, there was a twinge of pain that I will never get to do this with a child of my own. I will never put my own infant to sleep during church or whisper in his ear how much I love him and God loves him. It is extremely difficult to adopt an infant and very expensive. It is much easier to get a toddler or a child. So it isn't like I will never be a mother... it is that I will probably never mother an infant. I have not felt very sad about the hysterectomy at all, because having a uterus was just making me more and more sick. But I have been sad about no longer being able conceiving a child...

This was fairly random and rambling... sorry.

100

This is my 100th post. It is hard to believe that I stuck with this for 100 days. I do not have anything profound to say. Saturdays are always the hardest day for me to write... I have absolutely no words. It is extremely rare in real life to catch me speechless, but week after week Saturday comes and I have nothing worth while to say.

So I wrote the first paragraph about 2 hours ago and since then I have been working diligently on some reading for school. Why is it that the more I learn the more questions I have? I believe fully that God gave me my inquisitive mind for a reason. However, I feel like the constant need for an answer shows a lack of faith at times. Perhaps these are not mutually exclusive, but it sure feels like they are. And with that I will bid thee farewell for today and go write a paper.

Help

Everyone needs help sometimes. Sometimes the only prayer that I can breathe is "Help!" There is a part of me that feels that these simple prayers are the most honest and heartfelt. They are also desperate and in an attitude of truly needing Christ.

Grief

Grief is a fickle beast. I can go days, weeks, and months without the slightest touch of grief, but then in a date, a sound, a smell my heart can be overwhelmed by great sadness. I know that psychologist talk about the five stages of grief, but I think they are quite a bit more fluid than that. I can move from acceptance to disbelief in seconds.

Grief in my world is a complex, multifaceted response to heart ache and loss. Some people focus on the emotional response to loss, and it is great. However, I would say right now, as I have physical pain, the desire to socially withdrawal and philosophical questioning, it is much deeper than just negative feelings.

In Biblical times, when a person was in mourning they dressed in sackcloth and put ashes on their head so the community would know they were hurting. Now we put on our normal clothes, a fake smile and pretend that nothing is wrong. This prevents people from knowing our pain... or sharing it to help lighten the load. Ecclesiastes says that there is a time to mourn or grieve. Ecclesiastes also tells us that friendship is necessary... I am trying not to make too big of a leap with this connection; however, I feel like friendship is part of the cure to a heavy heart.

Can any person return to "normal" after a loss? Yes and no, I think. Things will be a new normal, but never how they were before. 

John 11
    Now a certain man was ill, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. It was Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was ill. So the sisters sent to him, saying, “Lord, he whom you love is ill.” But when Jesus heard it he said, “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”
    Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was. Then after this he said to the disciples, “Let us go to Judea again.” The disciples said to him, “Rabbi, the Jews were just now seeking to stone you, and are you going there again?” Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours in the day? If anyone walks in the day, he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world. But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him.” After saying these things, he said to them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but I go to awaken him.” The disciples said to him, “Lord, if he has fallen asleep, he will recover.” Now Jesus had spoken of his death, but they thought that he meant taking rest in sleep. Then Jesus told them plainly, “Lazarus has died, and for your sake I am glad that I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.” So Thomas, called the Twin, said to his fellow disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with him.”
    Now when Jesus came, he found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb four days. Bethany was near Jerusalem, about two miles off, and many of the Jews had come to Martha and Mary to console them concerning their brother. So when Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went and met him, but Mary remained seated in the house. Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.” Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” Martha said to him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.” Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?” She said to him, “Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world.”
    When she had said this, she went and called her sister Mary, saying in private, “The Teacher is here and is calling for you.” And when she heard it, she rose quickly and went to him. Now Jesus had not yet come into the village, but was still in the place where Martha had met him. When the Jews who were with her in the house, consoling her, saw Mary rise quickly and go out, they followed her, supposing that she was going to the tomb to weep there. Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?”

I am feeling particularly serious, contemplative, despondent, and somber. Even Jesus felt melancholy at times. Most people know John 11:35, "Jesus wept." This is the shortest verse in the Bible, but it shows fully the humanity of Christ. Jesus is brought to tears at the death of his friend Lazarus. 

Let me first set some context. Jesus was approaching Jerusalem. Bethany is really a suburb of Jerusalem and that is where Lazarus, Mary, and Martha lived. Jesus knew he would meet his fate at the hands of his people. He knew his death was approaching, he had told the disciples about it. We know that Holy week, the crucifixion and resurrection are fast approaching. Jesus is preparing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for the events that are about to unfold.

Here as Jesus is trying to prepare himself and his disciples for his death, Lazarus dies. Jesus had been told that he was sick and still alive, but by the time of his arrival it seems too late. However, in his apparent tardiness, his power will once again be manifest. Death never comes when we think it will.I have seen nursing home patients bounce back a half dozen times. I have also seen, seemingly healthy individuals die in their sleep.

Anyway, back to the story… why was Jesus crying? Out of guilt for not being there? Knowing that he could have saved him if he hadn’t been wasting time? Not that Jesus ever wasted time… just making a point. No, of course that isn’t why Jesus was crying, he knew how this story would end. He told the disciples that he was glad he wasn’t there. He told Martha that he was the resurrection and the life… Jesus knows where he is taking this story. So that can’t be why he was weeping. Why then do we find Jesus here weeping? What it a show? Was he faking it? No, the Lord is always honest even in his actions and emotions.

Was this an example for us to follow? Was Jesus crying to show us and let us know that its okay for us to weep at the loss of a friend, at the funeral of a family member, or even the grave of a loved one? It might not be why he wept but it is most certainly true. The scriptures never tell us not to cry when death comes, but only not to grieve like those who have no hope. Its true that even us “good” Christians,who believe in the promises of God about life and death, yes, even for us death is troublesome and painful. The first time I truly faced a death near me was probably the most painful day of my life.

It was painful for Jesus too, and maybe we are getting close to the real reason for his tears. Jesus knows completely what he is about to do in raising Lazarus from the dead, was still moved by the sorrow of death. Jesus knows that death is not what was the original plan… Jesus knows that if people die physically before they are right with God they have eternal death. Death is the interloper, which does not belong in this creation but has come to stay. It is a necessary result of sinful flesh… and with death comes pain, sorrow, grief, and even fear. Nothing pleasant there… this is why Jesus weeps.

Just few days after this interaction Jesus would be in the Garden of Gethsemane, and Jesus would be once again face to face with death. But this time would be his own. Jesus knew how it would end… he knew his father would bring him back- yet he was still troubled. There is so much we can learn here about godly suffering. We are not living in a trite system of positive thinking in which we are to simply to be happy or at least put on a happy face. We are not living in a life with a promise of no tears. Actually we are living in the opposite… we are promised persecution, suffering, and cross-bearing goes along with being a Christian. God never makes a promise that he will keep us from all pain. Oh how I have wished that he would…

There are many great promises for the world to come, heaven that is… and the one that got me is that there will be a place where suffering ends, and where God will wipe away every tear from our eyes. There will be no more mourning there, for even death will be destroyed, and the hope of that day, the promise of the future did and continues to comfort me in my earthly tears.

We grieve for many things in life. And in the past year of my life I have cried and grieved over a lot of things. What should I do in moments like this? I should cling to the promise of his presence. I should know that he is always with me, even in my suffering. I know that nothing can separate me from the love of God in Jesus Christ. And I should rest in the comfort God promises… even in our tears. Even in my tears that are shed behind closed doors. Even in my tears that are shed in a car alone… But all too often I find in the depth of despair in a darkness with no hope.

Providence

Providence is a difficult thing for me to get my mind around. God's will, will always happen. It may not look like what I want it to or think it should. I do not understand what is going on behind the scenes. This is God's power guiding human destiny, but what about when things seem to go wrong? 

Can anything outside of God's will happen? Yes, of course. Sin is not in the will of God. However, God being outside of time and all-powerful sees these choices long before they ever cross our paths and knows our decision. 

I have an extremely difficult time trying to explain what providence is and what it is not. I also have a hard time knowing what I truly believe about God's interaction with daily life on this planet. The American College Dictionary says this about providence, "a manifestation of God's divine care or direction over His creation." That sounds great, but what does it mean? 

Providence is not the thought that all things happen by chance. Providence isn't even the view that God is sitting back, passively observing the happenings of the world. John Calvin made the mistake of believing that all things are predestined, therefore every action is because God willed it. I cannot get on board with that because this belief makes God the author of evil. This avenue also means that God can thwart the free will of man. I also cannot believe that providence is always identifiable.  

I believe that providence shows up in miraculous and mundane.  Providence is best seen in hindsight. It is nearly impossible to see it in the midst of life. God is by nature the provider. What all does God provide? Answers to prayer for starters (no and wait are answers). Sometimes He provides things we don’t even know we need. He gives direction, material blessings, love and many other things that can fall into the category of providence. We can’t see the pattern or direction of the whole world.

Providence in scripture is somewhat easier to see. God fulfilled his prophecy through the person of Jesus Christ. Joseph was released from prison to become a ruler. God intervened in the life of the Hebrews. Hanna’s prayers for her son were answered. Haman and Mordecai’s action towards Esther shows God working in an obvious way. 

 I cannot explain why some things happen when they happen. I cannot tell you why some people live to be 102 and while others die during infancy. I cannot explain health or illness. All I can say is providence is much bigger than my finite mind.

Retreat

As I am laying in bed, I am thinking like usual. I am thinking currently about retreat. We all need times away and apart. We need moments were we take a step back to move forward. Retreating is sometimes the only answer. Going on an organized retreat is sometimes nice (even though I pretty much hate the social aspect of that).

However, there is a danger in retreating. I am extremely prone to major depressive episodes, even while medicated. During these episodes, I retreat further and further into myself. I start being distant or surfacey with my friends. I answer questions with vague, sometimes not completely true, responses. It is not like I am exactly lying, but it is in these times that the words, "okay, fine, whatever, I don't know," and the like come up far more often than necessary. I also start finding reasons to spend more and more time alone. Starting to rationalize terrible decisions, has become like a flashing alarm that I am spiraling downward. I find myself stemming more than usual, too. I don't always recognize the retreating pattern very early in the process. Sometimes it is weeks in and sometimes even when I am on the way out of the isolation. Unfortunately, I can see the pattern currently.

I was reminded Saturday night at church that I was indeed built for community (as much as it makes me twitch it is still true). When I retreat into myself, I hurt not just myself but those around me. This is a tough reality for me to face. The idea of people getting close to me is terrifying.The fallacy that I often fall into is that it is easier and safer to go it alone. The truth is that it is self-destructive and could be catastrophic.

The Name: Abba

The name for God that probably bothers me more than any other name and also challenges my thought process and theology is Abba. This is basically calling God daddy. I feel like it is irreverent and too familiar. I do not like the name daddy even for earthly fathers, let alone the creator of the universe. I think it humanizes God too much, and makes him less than what he is... if that makes any sense at all.

Theologically, I understand the concept of God as Father. In order for Jesus to be the son, God has to be the Father. I feel like the only person who has the right to call him that though is Christ. However, I also understand the idea of adoption through salvation making us brothers and sisters/ coheirs of Jesus, which when played out to the end would make God our Father as well. But why call him Abba, daddy? I don't not have an answer for that. I know that it makes me cringe.

Quiet Calm

It is 7:01 am, on Saturday. I have been up for two hours. My brain did not get the message that it is Saturday and we should sleep in. My body is like, come on! What is your deal? It really isn't that bad; it is just moderately annoying.

However, in the midst of being awake so early there are several things I have noticed. One, it is QUIET. There have been no cars, Gwen and Brock's buses are still silent in their drive way, no one has gotten up to use the potty (aside from me), the TV isn't on and the list could go on. I like this quietness. My world is typically inundated with noise. Everything from music playing to students talking and telephones ringing to bus air brakes whistling are a typical part of the noise in my world, but not this morning. This morning it has just been the constant low hum of the fan and my own thoughts.

Calm is the second thing I noticed. Things are still and not rushed. Life is often very fast and stressful, but this morning has been calm and slow. I have yet to get out of bed, it is still fairly dark out. It is calm. There is no hurry to get a shower and get out the door. The rest of the world still seems to be dozing.

In the calm and the quiet, I believe God becomes more real. This morning as I laid in bed, I was reflecting over the past nine years. Today is Homecoming at IWU and nine years ago was my first Homecoming experience there (so the number nine wasn't totally random). Many things have changed, both good and bad. I have lived in a lot of places: two dorms, two apartments, two parsonages, one loft, and three houses. Yes, you read that correctly, in nine years I have lived in ten different locations. God has always faithfully provided a place for me to live, even when I had no money and sometimes had no job. In the past nine years, I have met a lot of very interesting people. I am fortunate enough to say that some of them will remain close friends for the rest of my life. I am also lucky to say that I learned a lot of things from some of those people who just were here for a season. I have had the privilege in the past nine years to work for IWU, the UMC, Logansport Community Schools, Fort Wayne Community Schools, Nesting Doves, The YMCA, and now Whitko Community Schools. God showed up in different ways in each of these places, but all of it started with being taught at IWU to be open to that. I heard God saying, all of this has been a part of my plan...  I could go on and on about how the past nine years have been change after change, but I won't.

This morning in the quiet and calm that only early mornings can truly provide, I realized, as I reflected, that I need to take more time to be quiet. I need to take more time to be intentionally calm, to think about all the things in life. But more importantly, I need to remember to take time to be quiet and listen for God's still small voice.

Grace Part 2: Saving Grace

As I stated in my first grace post, grace is the unmerited work and favor of God in us, for us and through us. Justifying or saving grace is the grace God gives that allows us to gain salvation through Jesus Christ.

When I look at this concept closer, I see more than just a new birth. I see five areas of newness that come from a salvation experience. First, new standing, we are no longer guilty but we are justified. Then comes a new heart, we are regenerated. I also see that we have a new family; we are adopted into the family of Christ. Salvation gives us new confidence, we are assured. Finally, we have a new calling. We are called out of this world to a higher purpose and to sanctification.

Do we live in newness?

Vision

I have to wear glasses in order to see anything clearly. (I really do mean ANYTHING.) I have myopia, nearsightedness. How often am I myopic spiritually though? Is the question that is plaguing me today. Joyce Meyer's phrase of the day was "Seeing yourself the way God sees you leads to a life of overwhelming victory." I definitely do not see myself the way God sees me. God sees someone he was willing to give his son's life to redeem. I see someone who isn't worth nearly that cost. God sees his creation. I most often see his mistake. God sees a message and I see a mess.

Victory

I know I talk a lot about music and about struggling... well this post is about both. :)

As I have stated in the past, I enjoy having piano music on in the background of my life. This morning the old hymn, Victory in Jesus came on. I instantly recognized it even without lyrics. And the lyrics began to pop into my head without really trying.

I heard an old, old story,

How a Savior came from glory,
How He gave His life on Calvary
To save a wretch like me;
I heard about His groaning,
Of His precious blood's atoning,
Then I repented of my sins
And won the victory.

O victory in Jesus,
My Savior, forever.
He sought me and bought me
With His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him
And all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood.

I heard about His healing,
Of His cleansing pow'r revealing.
How He made the lame to walk again
And caused the blind to see;
And then I cried, "Dear Jesus,
Come and heal my broken spirit,"
And somehow Jesus came and bro't
To me the victory.

I heard about a mansion
He has built for me in glory.
And I heard about the streets of gold
Beyond the crystal sea;
About the angels singing,
And the old redemption story,
And some sweet day I'll sing up there
The song of victory.

Theologically, I believe this. However, I feel mostly defeated most of the time. I have not made victory a reality in my life. Moreover, I do not really know how. I think the answer probably lies in just trusting and walking by faith... which we all know how good I am at. Today I will be thinking about how to end the struggle and walk in victory.

Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me

I heard this song for the first time Sunday. This song has been in my head every since. I think the words are amazing and it is really speaking to me. I know that doesn't sound super deep but it kind of is right now.

Jesus, Savior, pilot me
Over life’s tempestuous sea;
Unknown waves before me roll,
Hiding rock and treacherous shoal.
Chart and compass come from Thee;
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

While th’Apostles’ fragile bark
Struggled with the billows dark,
On the stormy Galilee,
Thou didst walk upon the sea;
And when they beheld Thy form,
Safe they glided through the storm.

Though the sea be smooth and bright,
Sparkling with the stars of night,
And my ship’s path be ablaze
With the light of halcyon days,
Still I know my need of Thee;
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

When the darkling heavens frown,
And the wrathful winds come down,
And the fierce waves, tossed on high,
Lash themselves against the sky,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me,
Over life’s tempestuous sea.

As a mother stills her child,
Thou canst hush the ocean wild;
Boisterous waves obey Thy will,
When Thou sayest to them, “Be still!”
Wondrous Sovereign of the sea,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

When at last I near the shore,
And the fearful breakers roar
’Twixt me and the peaceful rest,
Then, while leaning on Thy breast,
May I hear Thee say to me,
“Fear not, I will pilot thee.”

Relection on Acts 3

I have been thinking and meditating on this blog for for several months. It has been stewing and marinating since then and it has been quite troubling to me. Typically if I have something to blog about, I just go ahead and write. However, this one has not come to me easily but through blood, sweat and tears... okay, just the last two.

A few months back I heard a sermon using Acts 3:1-16 as the text. The title was "Made Strong By Faith." I came away from that message without the take away that was intended. The intention of the pastor was to encourage us to remember that people are made strong by faith in Jesus and by sharing their faith. Here is the text and I will give my comments after the scripture.

Acts 3:1-16
1 One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. 2 Now a man who was lame from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. 3 When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. 4 Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, “Look at us!” 5 So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them.

6 Then Peter said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” 7 Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong. 8 He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping, and praising God. 9 When all the people saw him walking and praising God, 10 they recognized him as the same man who used to sit begging at the temple gate called Beautiful, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him.

11 While the man held on to Peter and John, all the people were astonished and came running to them in the place called Solomon’s Colonnade. 12 When Peter saw this, he said to them: “Fellow Israelites, why does this surprise you? Why do you stare at us as if by our own power or godliness we had made this man walk? 13 The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the God of our fathers, has glorified his servant Jesus. You handed him over to be killed, and you disowned him before Pilate, though he had decided to let him go. 14 You disowned the Holy and Righteous One and asked that a murderer be released to you. 15 You killed the author of life, but God raised him from the dead. We are witnesses of this. 16 By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus’ name and the faith that comes through him that has completely healed him, as you can all see.

I read this and reflected on a well given sermon and still came out with a different conclusion. My conclusion is more geared towards the pain of submission. My heart breaks at the reading and hearing of this scripture excerpt. I see the truth that we are all called and have a purpose in Christ. Peter and John were just trying to go pray like usual. But God had other plans. I see that plans are interrupted. Peter and John stopped to interact with the lame man. The power to witness is much greater than the power to perform a ritual. Do we still feel that? We must not forget to tell THE story. Peter and John were keeping the main thing the main thing without being religions and thinking the main thing was inside the temple for their afternoon prayers. They chose to stop, knowing full well that they may be late or even miss it all together. This makes me ask very hard questions: what am I doing to advance the Gospel? Would I stop and offer Christ to someone in need? Would I put myself in the place of submission that I would hear Christ telling me to stop?

I have also thought a lot about what the people around this story thought. Peter, John and the lame man were all called into question. Being fully submitted to Christ makes you an outsider to the general public. Being Holy Spirit led makes you weird. The Holy Spirit is not always nice and neat by our standards. The Holy Spirit requires us to think outside the box. Do you think that it was in the lame man's mind that he could just get up? Christ gives us confidence in our identity. Peter knew who he was and whose he was and by that power told the lame man to have confidence and look at him. The lame man obeyed Peter's command to look at him and Peter responded to his obedience and confidence with the words that set loose his healing.

I have found it interesting that this man had sat beside the Gate Beautiful for years and the number of people who had walked by him day after day. These people, some ignored him, others dropped a few coins, but none took the time to know him. No one had offered him religion, let alone Christ or healing. And then Peter and John came... it is our responsibility to help those around us, because we might be the only one who is able to. This takes a position of submission and openness to who God is telling us to help up, and what He wants us to do. This submission is a choice and a hard one at that.

The pain of submission doesn't end with just the choice to die to self. Think of the pain that the lame man must have felt the first time standing to his feet. Muscles and bones that had never been used were now bearing the weight of a full grown man. And I think I am sore after two hours in the car... Submitting to God's will and God's way of doing things with stretch us in ways that we have not previously been stretched. Scripture says that as Peter helped him up, the lame man's feet and ankles were made strong. Sometimes our submission to God's healing touch requires us to reach out for help. The lame man needed Peter to stand. We often need a helping hand to get us through the healing God is bringing us through. The lame man never hesitated to take Peter's hand, he knew he needed help up. Why are we blind to the fact that we need help up?

The healed man leaps and dances and is ready to testify, but is met with a question instead. Peter and John are asked under what authority they have to heal. The of course name God as the power that healed the man. Peter and John replied by faith in His name... you can see and know that Jesus has given the man perfect health... This faith was worked out by submission to what the disciples of Jesus said. He submitted and looked up when Peter commanded. He submitted and got up and walked when Peter commanded and he was healed! Why are we surprised that submission brings healing and freedom? "By faith in his name... Jesus has given the man this perfect health." Do you have faith and submission to that Name?