I am taking a hiatus from my Sunday series this week. Last night I got to take baby Bennett with me to church. This seems like a small thing, but it produced some of the biggest emotions I have ever had. As we were singing, he fell asleep in my arms. I just kept looking at him thinking about how much I love him and how God gave up his baby for us. (While Bennett is not my baby, he is the closest genetic link I will have to the next generation and I love him more than words could ever explain.) I don't think I could give Mr. B up for people who wouldn't appreciate it... or really at all. I feel like if that was what was required I would said NO! By this point in the service I am bawling and using his burp rag for wiping up tears. When all of a sudden a wild though flies through my brain.... Jesus died for Bennett too. Bennett is still pretty much perfect (I am not saying he doesn't have a sin nature... I am saying he has never committed a sin of commission.) Yet, Bennett will need the grace and sacrifice of Jesus too. Mind-blowing!
On the other end of this emotional roller coaster was pain. I love Bennett more than I can tell you. However, there was a twinge of pain that I will never get to do this with a child of my own. I will never put my own infant to sleep during church or whisper in his ear how much I love him and God loves him. It is extremely difficult to adopt an infant and very expensive. It is much easier to get a toddler or a child. So it isn't like I will never be a mother... it is that I will probably never mother an infant. I have not felt very sad about the hysterectomy at all, because having a uterus was just making me more and more sick. But I have been sad about no longer being able conceiving a child...
This was fairly random and rambling... sorry.
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