Retreat

As I am laying in bed, I am thinking like usual. I am thinking currently about retreat. We all need times away and apart. We need moments were we take a step back to move forward. Retreating is sometimes the only answer. Going on an organized retreat is sometimes nice (even though I pretty much hate the social aspect of that).

However, there is a danger in retreating. I am extremely prone to major depressive episodes, even while medicated. During these episodes, I retreat further and further into myself. I start being distant or surfacey with my friends. I answer questions with vague, sometimes not completely true, responses. It is not like I am exactly lying, but it is in these times that the words, "okay, fine, whatever, I don't know," and the like come up far more often than necessary. I also start finding reasons to spend more and more time alone. Starting to rationalize terrible decisions, has become like a flashing alarm that I am spiraling downward. I find myself stemming more than usual, too. I don't always recognize the retreating pattern very early in the process. Sometimes it is weeks in and sometimes even when I am on the way out of the isolation. Unfortunately, I can see the pattern currently.

I was reminded Saturday night at church that I was indeed built for community (as much as it makes me twitch it is still true). When I retreat into myself, I hurt not just myself but those around me. This is a tough reality for me to face. The idea of people getting close to me is terrifying.The fallacy that I often fall into is that it is easier and safer to go it alone. The truth is that it is self-destructive and could be catastrophic.