Between Head and Heart

Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I prefer things to be rational. I want to be able to see reason. I would leave feelings behind in a heartbeat, if I could. I have, for many years, had a philosophical, theological, rational "faith." I could (and still can) give you textbook correct answers. I enjoy working from my head, using my intellect to get by. Unfortunately, God calls to the heart, too.

Regrettably not everything makes sense rationally, but I have to know in the pit of my hearts that God is still God. And God is still good. I cannot mentally ascend to that level of belief; that must come from the heart. It is when your heart can say with assurance the same words that Paul said, "I pleaded with the Lord three times to take this thorn from my flesh. The Lord replied, 'my grace is sufficient for you; for my power is made perfect in your weakness.'" Am I there yet? No. I am still pleading with the Lord I think... and somewhere in the back of my mind hoping that His grace will be sufficient for me. But is it in my heart of hearts yet? Not really. Deep within me there are many doubts and questions. I am trying... REALLY hard. However, I just don't trust my heart. It has been the source of much pain; it is hard to imagine that it will become the source of life and freedom. I have covered my heart with concrete and stone in places.

Ezekiel promises that God will give me a heart of flesh to replace this heart of stone. Trying to trust today that God's promises are always true and always present to the believer. Mostly I am whispering these words:

1. Pass me not, O gentle Savior,
   Hear my humble cry;
   While on others Thou art calling,
   Do not pass me by.
   • Refrain:
     Savior, Savior,
     Hear my humble cry,
     While on others Thou art calling,
     Do not pass me by.
2. Let me at Thy throne of mercy
   Find a sweet relief;
   Kneeling there in deep contrition,
   Help my unbelief.
3. Trusting only in Thy merit,
   Would I seek Thy face;
   Heal my wounded, broken spirit,
   Save me by Thy grace.
4. Thou the spring of all my comfort,
   More than life to me,
   Whom have I on earth beside Thee,
   Whom in Heav’n but Thee